Inside the hospital, Kerry - who looks identical to Megan - approaches Michael and asks if they're "still on for tonight". When Michael coldly breaks the date she threatens him with sexual harrassment since, after all, she did "put out" by her own admission. Michael brushes her off as he approaches Megan to offer sympathy over Lexi and Coop's marriage. He continues smooth-talking her but Megan reminds him that hell will freeze over and monkeys will fly out of her butt before she and Michael get back together. Coop arrives so Michael fires off a sarcastic "Congratulations!" before Coop escorts Megan away for a walk - straight into the linen closet. Once inside, Megan chastises him for taking away her wedding ring and says she feels "used and discarded". After her pre-Melrose occupation you'd think she'd be used to that. Coop whines about how Jordan the lawyer was watching and he needed a ring and besides it's only "364 more nights". ONLY?! Megan, obviously insecure and desperate, accepts this weak apology and offers a demonstration of how diseases are spread in hospitals through unclean bedsheets as she and Coop proceed to tear off each other's clothes.

Ahhh, another year, another Savage Garden song to make fun of. Here goes: I'll wear whipped cream, I'll be your slave, I'll be your fantasy / I'll be your whore, no need for love, do anything that you need / I'll drug you more with every step you take in doggie-do / I'll bite your schlong, I'll do your cousin on the counter... Hey - I just saw Josie Bissett's name in the opening credits - rock on!

Over at AWA, Billy is giving a cheesy advertising presentation to a guy with a fake Italian accent named Giorgio. Giorgio seems impressed with Billy's work while I'm impressed that Billy actually DID some work for a change. Giorgio informs anyone who's interested that his company is expanding and will, therefore, be doing all their advertising in-house from now on. Since Amanda turned down his generous offer to relocate to Rome (Aaron Spelling beat you to the punch, dude) Giorgio offers to take Billy to lunch to schmooze him since there are obviously no good advertising candidates over in the entire country of Italy. Billy accepts and the two men walk out which is Sam's cue to start whining and moaning about how she did just as much work and how come she never gets any credit and how come she has to wear drab brown sweaters and how come no one wants to be her friend or play Barbies with her anymore. Amanda quips some nonsense about Billy "paying his dues" and then suggests Sam "learn some patience" to which Sam quickly replies, "Oh patience takes too long." There's another gem for the quote page. Amanda suddenly changes her tune and stops defending Billy, explaining how she really doesn't want him to leave for Rome. Since Sam is such a wet blanket and nobody likes her and no one would miss her if she left, Amanda agrees to promote Sam to Giorgio in the hopes she'll get the job, leave the company (and the country) and jump networks to do "The Net".

Michael is packing a suitcase when Taylor enters and asks where he's going. He explains he changed his mind about his college reunion and is leaving immediately for Chicago to attend it. Taylor excitedly offers, "Sounds like fun - I'll come with!" but Michael shoots her down and again I have to ask when the wardrobe people are going to buy her a hairbrush. Taylor, knowing she IS God's gift to all mankind, can't understand why Michael wouldn't want her tagging along and immediately suspects he's going to see a woman. Michael denies this and explains she's "too pregnant to travel". Since when? Never since "Soap" have I seen a pregnancy advance as fast as this one. With suitcase in hand Michael "goes it alone" and leaves.

It appears we're stuck in a Melrose loop as the screen flashes the exact same outside shot of Wilshire Memorial that was shown at the beginning of the episode. Thankfully, instead of being subject to another scene with Lexi and Coop, we're instead taken to the psychiatrist's office where Peter has returned to ask what he thinks about dreams. Dr. No-Name replies, "Dreams are the secret language of the soul." Deep. Peter then begins storytime with an all-too-descriptive dream he keeps having about Amanda. She comes by his apartment wearing a sexy red dress to pick up his rent check and that right there should tell him something. Amanda never, EVER, goes around collecting rent. Either you pay or you start packing. In the dream, Peter offers her some whine - I mean wine - and then becomes "physically assertive" as he embraces her until she gives in. Peter seems to think this is some great sign and it seems somebody has seen one too many Psychic Hotline informercials. The doctor tells Peter this is simply "wish fulfillment" and worries that Dr. Burns is becoming a bit obsessed. Why? Just because he moved back into Melrose Place? Just because he knows what he wants and is going for it? Just because he's so committed to the show and refuses to leave no matter how bad his storylines get? The doctor suggests Peter go the "party resort" which I'm assuming is somewhere near his "happy place".

Sam is leaving her apartment when she runs into Jeff in the courtyard. Jeff is there because he thinks he and Sam are going on a date but Sam informs him she's got a business dinner that "just came up". I expect other things will "come up" as well but we won't go there. She starts babbling about Giorgio and her job interview and how great it would be to move to Italy. Jeff gets mad since he's jealous and doesn't have an accent and doesn't like the fact that Sam forgot to tell him any of this. "I don't have time for this," she tells him and walks out.

At Upstairs, our newest musical prodigy Diana Krall is whining about "knowing nothing about you". Billy is at the bar talking to Jennifer about his interview with Giorgio and his potential job in Rome so she attempts to share his excitement by informing him she can speak Italian. "That's nice," Billy flippantly replies as he downs the rest of his drink so he can get back to the office to work on his resume. Jennifer offers to help him but he seems oblivious to her offer as he slides off his barstool with a "See ya at home - ciao!" Witness to all this is Kyle who immediately runs over to comfort Jen who fears she's about to "lose her best friend". Bah... go get a dog, instead.

Elsewhere in the bar, Lexi and Coop are putting on yet another show for their lawyer, Jordan, who obviously has no personal life of his own and, therefore, relies upon his clients for entertainment and free drinks. Lexi is drooling over Coop and prattling on excitedly about married life when Megan approaches the table with their drinks. Jordan comments how Lexi and Coop are happy together and her father obviously "knew what he was doing" and how Lawyerman can see anything with the wool pulled that far over his eyes in just plain amazing. Lexi coos some nonsense about knowing "what I like" to which Megan replies, "Sex and money?" Unfazed, Lexi agrees so Coop mentions he and Lexi are a "cute couple" which, even though it's a lie, still turns my stomach. Hearing this, Megan "spills" a drink on Coop who excuses himself to go to the bathroom and clean up. As Megan wipes up the chair and table (I didn't think the drink was *that* big) Lexi tells her, "you missed a spot." But now it's Megan's turn to be in control as she calmly replies, "I didn't miss a thing."

It's nighttime in Chicago where Michael is slowly walking through a crowd of people pretending to have fun. Michael emerges from the crowd and seeks solace at the buffet but is instantly pestered by old classmate, Irv Zuckus (who on EARTH comes up with these names?) Irv bores Michael, myself, and every Melrose viewer with statistics about his business as a toupee salesman. Thankfully his bantering is interrupted by the presence of his beautiful "Georgia peach" wife Faye who, forgetting she's supposed to have a southern accent, asks her husband to show Michael pictures of their kids. They ask Michael about his kids and ask if he and Jane got married so Michael tells them, "Actually, that didn't work out and then my next two wives died." Whoa Michael, way to get a party going! Why not mention the fact that Wife #2 was Jane's sister or Wife #4 was a hooker? Having brought the conversation to a screeching halt, Michael wanders over to a bulletin board where, under the heading "Hottest Couples of '88" is a picture of he and Jane that looks surprisingly similiar to a promotional picture used by the Melrose execs during Season One. As Michael reminisces about the days when he had hair, a short-haired blonde behind him comes into focus and it's JANE! WOOHOO!!! From the looks of it, the last eighteen months have been very good to Josie Bissett. She and Michael hug and then strike up the usual "What's New" small talk. Michael lies about being in town for a medical conference and then continues with how he was Chief Of Staff but moved on to "bigger opportunities" like buying and selling clinics. Naturally, all this has left him with "no time for a love life" as he tells Jane he's "sworn off women" (but getting them pregnant is standard). Jane informs Michael she's currently staying at her parents house while they're out of town, is working for a clothing design firm and has a bunch of artsy friends. Michael asks if they can go have a drink but when she turns him down he promises he's not trying to get her into bed. He just wants to hang with her but it's obvious she wants to run from him. She explains she has a pre-wedding party to go to tomorrow and then drops the bombshell: she's getting married. Michael feigns joy as he pastes a fake smile to his face and tells Jane how happy he is for her. Telling him, "See you at the next reunion," Jane walks away and Michael returns to the bulletin board to steal the picture of the two of them so he can take it back to his hotel room and - oh, nevermind.

Remember how last year everyone had relationship problems and ran to Jennifer (of all people) for advice? Ever wonder who Jennifer gets advice from? Well, according to this next scene, it's none other than her brother Michael who is busy packing when his idiot sister calls. She tells him about Billy and Italy and asks for his advice. Michael tells her it's obvious Billy doesn't want her to go with him and urges her to dump him. "But I still love him," she whines and with a reply like that why does she bother asking for advice in the first place? Michael, in true Mancini fashion, gives her the following words of wisdom: "Love is just an arrangement. You gotta learn when it's time to rearrange the furniture." He uses his run-in with Jane as an example of how "together" he is but when Jennifer hears about Jane's upcoming nuptials she orders Michael, "Stop her you moron... you can't walk away from true love." What would either of them know about true love? Michael ends the conversation and hangs up the phone.

Back at AWA, it appears Bad Knee Jeff has taken the time and energy required to actually get into the office just so he can harass his girlfriend Sam. Before he can speak, however, Sam apologizes for her behavior the previous evening. Maybe it's just me but this constant cycle of bicker-fight-apologize is making me crazy enough to want to smash both their heads through a plate glass window. Jeff vents that he's "tired of headgames" so Sam eagerly tells him she'll "try harder". Try harder to what - make the entire Melrose Place viewing audience crazier than we already are? Jeff echoes my sentiment with a non-emotional "Whatever" before telling her he's leaving town for some job interviews back East as a newscaster. What about the baseball team he's coaching? They'll be so disappointed - no doubt they'll especially miss those Sam and Jeff "Naked Makeout Sessions" in the dugout during practice. Jeff then tells Sam how he still wants to marry her but with the angry tone in his voice he makes it sound more like a prison sentence than a marriage proposal. He continues, "I won't be made a fool of" (too late) and tells her to contact him if she "comes to her senses" as he leaves.

Billy comes home to an emotional Jennifer but he's too wrapped up in his own problems to notice hers. He immediately starts venting about how Sam is trying to steal a job that doesn't even belong to him yet and how this mysterious Guy fellow saw her the previous evening and she was "practically in Giorgio's lap". Really? Here's a clue for you Billy - NOBODY CARES. Billy suddenly gets the brilliant (?) idea that Jen could cook a "family style dinner" for Giorgio to impress him and since when has she spent any time whatsoever in a kitchen? Jen agrees and asks if she should wear a sexy dress but Idiot Boy tells her, "You look OK." Jennifer chokes back her tears as she verbalizes her menu plans until Billy finally realizes she's crying and asks her why. "I'm going to miss you when you go to Rome," she tells him. "More than any other guy who's ever dumped me." Really? How about more than any other guy who's dumped you and shot his brains out in the front seat of his car? Billy tells her he just assumed she'd go because he's too busy to actually give a rat's ass about her needs, wants or desires. Even though this is what Jen wanted to hear, she gives him grief for not *asking* her - details, details. Billy professes his love for her and ASKS if she wants to go and naturally she says "Yes" and they hug and kiss and thankfully this scene is over.

Michael walks into Jane's parents' house and immediately asks Generic Couple #1 where the bride-to-be is. They point out the groom whom Michael follows into the kitchen where he discovers him making out with a short-haired blonde woman who, even from behind, looks nothing like Jane. If I can tell this through a TV screen and Michael can't in person, he obviously didn't pay any attention to her while they were married. Michael interrupts the couple only to discover - surprise! - the woman, in fact, is NOT Jane. Angered that Jane's fiancee is cheating on her, he does the only thing he can think of and punches the groom in the face. A fight ensues and the kitchen door is broken off its hinges before Jane runs up and stops the fight. Michael tells Jane how she "can't marry this guy" because he caught him making out with this "bimbo" who turns out to be the groom's actual fiancee. Embarrassed - and quite busted - Jane pulls Michael aside and admits, "I'm not getting married." Michael, who obviously took one of Billy's Idiot Pills, replies, "To that guy? Good - 'cause I think he's involved with this other woman." Jane explains that she's not getting married to anyone and tells him she "embellished" a little because seeing Michael at the reunion was a little more overwhelming than she'd anticipated. Having seen, experienced and lived through much worse things, Michael shrugs it off and suggests they go for a walk.

Coop pulls his car up to a very well-lit curb and parks directly behind Megan. I'm surprised he's not wearing a t-shirt that says "I'm Not In Love With Lexi" for as obvious as he's being now. Jumping into Megan's car he apologizes for the whole scene at the bar the previous evening and Megan counters that she's sorry she couldn't control herself so he replies that he's sorry for the "cute couple" comment and somebody please stop the Codependent Carousel - I want to get OFF! Megan suggests Coop, "Shut up and kiss me" so he does as he tells her, "I haven't done this since high school." You haven't kissed a hooker since high school? Man, you need to get out more often. Megan replies, "You're in luck - this is how I won my letter." She's got to be kidding. All this time here I was thinking she got her letter for participating in the Math Club.

Peter is sitting in his apartment drinking and holding a book wondering what exactly he's supposed to do with it when there's a knock at the door. It's Amanda, wearing a red dress asking for - guess what - the rent check. Peter offers her some wine but she politely refuses citing she's "in a hurry." Peter mumbles how he's "seen this dream before" and kisses her. Amanda angrily tells him how this won't get her back so he kisses her again and is surprised when she breaks free and asks if he's suddenly taken up smoking crack or talking to the dead ghost of Elvis. Peter is genuinely confused as he tells her, "I was just doing what I thought you wanted me to." Amanda spouts, "I just want you to put the check in the mail!" as she storms out.

Jane and Michael are walking and talking about "the good old days" before Michael morphed into the buzz-cut King of Indescretion he is today. "We were so young," Jane remembers to which Michael replies, "Anything was possible... we were living fast and having kids." What? As I remember it they were struggling to make ends meet and their single attempt at parenthood resulted in a miscarriage. Where he gets kidS from is beyond me. Michael then admits he's amazed Jane even likes him anymore but Jane tells him she "always has and always will". A crash from inside the house lets Jane know playtime is over so she kisses Michael goodbye and tells him to "call her sometime". OK, but what would you like him to call you? Michael agrees and leaves.

Billy storms into Amanda's office ready to kick some Loreal "I'm worth it" ass. "Tell me this is just office gossip!" he yells at her. Billy is a tad bit upset about Amanda helping Sam out with Mr. Italy and is afraid he might not get the job. Amanda explains how much she values Billy and loves having him around the office. Billy informs her this is about "what HE wants" - not Amanda - and sappily tells her how he wants to leave LA and start a new life with Jennifer. "We've been friends a long time," Billy says and then reminds Amanda how he's been to bed with her and, so far as anyone knows, Sam hasn't. Then again no one really knows the details of that little plane crash in the mountains last year but I digress. Amanda finally agrees to help him and says she'll put a call in to Giorgio.

Meanwhile, Billy's significant other, Jennifer, is cutting up pasta while learning Italian. Wait a minute - I thought she said she already *knew* Italian. Megan enters to whine about Coop and Lexi but Jen tells her now isn't a good time since she has to learn the entire Italian language, make an impressive Italian meal, and find what's left of her backbone all within the next 30 seconds. Megan offers to help so Jen asks her to work for her at the bar. Somehow, I don't think that's what Megan had in mind but she agrees to it just the same. The phone rings so Megan excuses herself as Jennifer answers it and discovers it's Michael calling to apologize for being "out of line" yesterday. He's concerned about Jennifer yet he's staring wide-eyed at the picture of him and Jane. No doubt he's wondering whatever happened to his hair. Jennifer is touched by Michael's concern for her and tells him about her "Let's Impress Giorgio" meal and how she and Billy are moving to Rome. Michael flips out and tries to convince her it's a big mistake, even when Jennifer gleefully tells him, "He loves me." "Love is just a word. In fact, it's not a word, it's a sound like Pavlov's dog drooling at a dinner bell," Michael tells her and then asks if Billy gave her "the big ring". When Jen tells him, "not yet but I'm sure he will" Michael responds with, "Yeah, when pigs fly" which prompts Jen to reply, "Does this mean you're coming home?" Har har har - get it? Michael tells her he's coming home tonight to save her so Jen furiously hangs up the phone on him.

At the Upstairs, the same chick in the same dress is at the same piano singing another boring jazz ballad. Peter is sitting at the bar drinking himself into a stupor when Amanda walks in. His eyes light up and he stumbles over to apologize for his rude behavior the night before. Amanda tells him not to touch her, not to talk to her, not to look at her and not to have sick, twisted dreams about her wearing a red dress. She finishes by informing him his lease is up at the end of the month and before Peter can protest, Strong Man Kyle intervenes and tells Peter he knows all about what he did. Naughty Peter - go directly to your room with no supper. Kyle throws Peter into the wall and tells him he's not welcome in the bar anymore and then threatens, "If you show up here again you'll become a patient in your own hospital." Oh, man, not the lobotomy thing again. Better hide the drill just in case. Peter resorts to calling Kyle names like "Soldier Boy" before Lexi comes over to escort the drunk doctor outside. Peter starts to thank her until she gets ugly and tells him how muchs he enjoys watching him be rejected by the woman he dumped Lexi for. Peter doesn't like "this side" of her and tells her, "This must be the woman who was married to Coop all those years" and walks off in disgrace because he realizes what an idiotic statement that is considering she IS married to Coop.

Billy and Jennifer are sitting around sucking up to Giorgio with nice pasta and great conversation when none other than Sam barges in on them. She whines about how Amanda is no longer backing her and how unfair everything is. Oh we should all have your problems - nice apartment, great job, cute boyfriend, Pool Boy... Billy is quick to reply and Billy And Sam Argument #84752 ensues. In the midst of the chaos, Michael calls to ask Jennifer if she is actually still going through with the dinner after he advised her not to. She quickly explains the disastrous situation happening so Michael begs to be put on the speakerphone so he can "fix everything". Jennifer tells everyone to quiet down because the phone has something to say and, surprisingly, Billy and Sam obey her ridiculous request. Michael immediately attacks "Campbell" and tells him he's not taking his sister out of the country. He then turns his attention to "Mr. Hauncho from Rome" who mutters some undecipherable jibberish in his bad accent. Michael wants to know how long Jen thinks her relationship will last once she gets to Italy but before she can answer there's a knock at Michael's door. He tells everyone to hold on a minute while he goes to open the door for the bell boy and - get this - THEY WAIT! Michael opens the door and turns his back before he can see the person at his door is actually Jane who listens as Michael starts his Love 101 lecture. He spews forth his wisdom about loving someone even after you both "crash and burn" and I'm sure Jane's thinking she's entered the wrong room or, worse yet, pod people have invaded her ex-husband's body. Michael finally turns and sees Jane who walks toward him with an "I want to eat you for lunch!" look on her face. At the same time, obviously moved by Michael's speech, Billy grabs Jennifer and asks her to marry him which is kinda funny considering he isn't even DIVORCED yet. Naturally she says yes and kisses him as Sam says, "I may puke" and walks out. Hey now there's something I want to see - keep the camera on her! And what is Mr. Italy's reaction to all this? He must think it's all some kind of floor show that comes with dinner as the camera never shows his face nor its reaction. In Michael's room, Jane takes the phone from his hand and hangs it up as she kisses him and starts undressing him.

The following morning Michael is packing his bags as Jane tells him how wonderful last night was. It was sex - of course it was wonderful. Michael realizes he won't see Jane again since she doesn't want to move back to L.A. and she agrees that her life is in Chicago. She then thanks him for talking, listening and coming to the reunion so they could bring her character back when King Smooth-Talker interrupts with, "don't forget about the night of fantastic sex!" Charming. And he wonders why he's single. Jane tells Michael she'll "never forget" him as if she could do such a thing even with years of therapy. Michael tells her to have a great life because "she deserves it".

Megan is afraid of getting caught as she and Coop catch a quickie in Lexi's condo while she's out of town. Then, all of a sudden - surprise! - Lexi comes home early. She instantly flies into a jealous rage and directs it all at Homewrecker Megan. Coop reminds her they have a marriage of convenience which Lexi obviously mistook to mean they go to the 7-11 frequently. She angrily hisses about how they could all go to jail for fraud and then grabs Megan's arm as she escorts her to the door. Before a catfight can ensue Coop breaks them apart and asks if Lexi has taken up glue-sniffing as a hobby. She cries how she never agreed to get humiliated because, "I HAVE FEELINGS TOO!" Yeah, so do smurfs. Megan leaves and Coop follows but not before slamming Lexi's head against the wall and threatening to kill her.

Peter walks into a mansion to meet with some rich Mafia-looking guy going by the name of "Mr. Beck". Does he sing, too? After some small talk about taking meds and Peter saving Mafia Man's life, Mr. Beck asks, "What can I do for you?" Instead of asking HIM what he thinks about dreams, he instead begins to tell him about Amanda and her advertising agency...

Amanda is finishing a phone conversation with Alison when Billy walks in. Alison? She's back? Or are they going to do a whole storyline without her? Billy questions Amanda about Alison so she tells him Alison applied for a job and needed a recommendation from Amanda. Seems she's been having trouble keeping a job down in Atlanta and, come to think of it, I swear that was her waiting on me the other day at McDonald's. Sam stands outside the office eavesdropping as Amanda continues telling Billy about Alison's "adjustment problems" and how she's been in contact with her ever since she left L.A. so she knows all about Alison "falling off the wagon" and going "in and out of rehab". Billy is shocked to hear all this so I guess he didn't do as well on *his* promise to stay in touch with her. Hearing of all her troubles, Billy immediately wants to save her - err, I mean call her - but Amanda informs him he can't since she's on her way to yet another treatment center. She urges Billy not to ruin his life out of a "misplaced sense of debt" or because he desperately wants a more exciting storyline.

Sam runs to her desk to phone Jeff in Tampa. He answers, not exactly excited to hear from Psycho Sam, and half-heartedly asks what she wants. And he said he wanted to MARRY her? Did I misunderstand? Maybe he said he wanted to BURY her. Sam tells Jeff she misses him and "wants to make things right" as she makes a face that means either A) her lunch is returning to haunt her or B) she's lying. The true reason for her call surfaces as she asks Jeff for "one last favor" - has he been to Atlanta yet? "I'll be there in a couple days," he replies.

Michael arrives home from work tired and not interested in dealing with Taylor who whines about all the time he's been away lately with working late and going to Chicago. She then hands him a present she made him: a framed picture of last week's ultrasound picture with the name "Michael Jr." painted on it. If pregnancy makes someone as boring as this, remind me never to have children. She whines about the baby kicking and the constant trips to the bathroom and her backache which, surprisingly, were all GOOD things when she was trying to convince Kyle it was his baby. Michael orders her to take a shower and stop bothering him which Taylor agrees to do as long as he rubs her shoulders when she's done. Yeah, yeah, yeah just leave already. The phone rings and he reluctantly answers it but is happy to hear it's Jane. She's in LA, is calling from her rented car and will be at Michael's place in 5 minutes. She tells him he was right and she does deserve a good life so she's going to try it in LA since she's obviously forgotten all the terrible things that happened to her here when she tried it before. Taylor calls out that she's ready for her backrub as the show fades on Michael's panic-stricken "I'm about to get screwed" face.

--written by Stacie, Dave and Matt

Jane and Taylor run into each other in the house and confront Michael; Sam gets someone to send a fax from "Alison" to Billy saying how much she still loves him and he tells Amanda, "She needs me"; Lexi dares Coop to be a man and "shut my mouth" so he throws her on the sofa and jumps on top of her; Mr. Beck tells Peter his friend will "be handled" in the next couple days after which Peter sees Amanda in the hospital slumped over in a wheelchair.