At AWA, Billy comes in with Jennifer who is sporting her latest goofy hairstyle that reminds me of Shirley Temple except there's no Good Ship Lollipop. Sam bumps into them and immediately starts with the sarcasm as she both chastises them for their public display of affection and congratulates them on their upcoming move to another network - errr, I mean country. She finishes by telling them, "Hasta Spaghetti-O" and it's a good thing she didn't get that job or our diplomatic relations with Italy would take a nosedive. Even one useless foreign-language phrase such as "The gondolier has food poisoning?" would be an improvement. Forgetting whatever it was she set off to do before bumping into the happy couple, Sam turns around and returns to her desk to make a phone call while Billy and Jennifer go to visit Amanda in her office. For all Amanda's claims about how valuable an employee Billy is, she sure seems eager to get rid of him, an issue which Billy wants to confront but Jennifer prevents. Since Jen used the last of her functioning brain cells getting her hair done and even the simplest of tasks take ten times as long in California, it will take both Jennifer and Billy ALL DAY to get her passport. As they exit Amanda's office, we return to Sam who is on the phone with Jeff asking for her "one last favor". Outlining her diabolical scheme - and rehashing the plot for our convenience at the same time - Sam asks Jeff to send Billy a fax from "Alison" when he gets to Atlanta. Reluctantly, Jeff agrees as he takes all the pertinent information.

At the hospital, Coop is taking Taylor's blood pressure as she complains that Michael never followed her to the hospital like he promised. This is a surprise? What's surprising is that Taylor obviously took my advice and FINALLY brushed her hair. "Everything seems wrong," Taylor whines as she admits she used her baby as a "device to get men". Hey, there's a store down the street from me that sells plenty of other devices she could use that are far more effective and much less cumbersome. Coop, despite the fact he's never had one nice thing to say to Taylor, launches into a pep talk about what a great mom she will be and how she needs to "stand up for herself". As he continues talking about low self-esteem, being a doormat and "throwing yourself in front of a bus" his voice gets louder and louder until it's apparent he's stopped talking about Taylor's problems and is expressing his own issues. Coop apologizes for his rant but a polite - and yet terrified - Taylor tells him quiety, "I see your point."

Mr. Beck, Peter's para-Mafia patient, comes to visit Peter at the hospital to inform him he has two "pros" working on their "business arrangement". "Your friend will be handled in the next couple days," he tells Peter and I don't know if this means that Amanda is going to be shipped via UPS or squeezed like a grocery store melon. Actually, I don't want to know. What I do want to know, though, is exactly what Peter has in mind for Amanda because if he's trying to win her affection this seems like the wrong way to go about it.

Michael struts up to the nurses station to see Taylor's chart and is horrified to hear she's been discharged and sent home where a situation straight out of "I Love Lucy" awaits him. At the beach house - which has suddenly become awfully spacious - Taylor returns home and she and Jane manage not to encounter one another despite the fact that they each walk through every room in the house in a 15-second time period. Michael returns home just as Jane and Taylor each discover the other's suitcase and, in unison, ask, "Whose stuff is this?" To his credit, Michael admits his temptation to "tell a really big lie" but instead opts to come clean about everything. Jane doesn't understand why this didn't come up in Chicago (insert obvious joke here). Realizing Michael hasn't changed at all, she leaves before her lunch is the next thing to "come up". "See where the truth gets you?" Taylor asks Michael as she tells him he and Jane were wrong for each other, anyway. Michael retorts that he loves Jane and will never, EVER love Taylor. "No offense," he adds as he walks away.

Back at 4616, Kyle and Amanda are wrapped in leopard print when Kyle announces that he's been thinking. Realizing what a novelty this is, Amanda praises him and learns that Kyle wants to buy a house. The romance goes out of this scene when Amanda begins discussing their financial options, which include selling the apartment complex or waiting a year until they have more money and can buy the Barbie Dream House and then start a family. Yeah, make as many big life changes at one time as you possibly can. Kyle and Amanda start mumbling about "delayed gratification" and then smooch in a prolonged and strangely immobile fashion, so perhaps some gratification is about to be... nevermind.

Coop is eating breakfast and displaying some appalling table manners when Lexi saunters in wearing a slinky nightie. "For God's sake, put some clothes on," Coop demands with his mouth full, complaining that she's making him uncomfortable. Poor Coop - we should all have his problems. Continuing her embarrassing attempts at seduction, Lexi practically wraps her breasts around Coop's head as she reaches around him to get some coffee. "I like having you around," she coos. Once again Coop gets angry and once again we get to hear him remind Lexi about how this is a marriage of convenience and he plans to marry Megan the minute he and Lexi are divorced and I'm just about ready for both of them to jump in front of a bus. Lexi settles down and promises to behave, but only after she plants a nice goodbye kiss on Coop and hands him his lunchbox.

Jane enters the courtyard at 4616 and looks around at the apartments, giving the writers a chance to remind us why we started watching in the first place by inserting flashback shots from previous seasons. Looking at her old apartment, Jane remembers a scene from Season One when she and Michael were still cast as "Happy Boring Married Couple #1". Smiling, she then remembers Sydney's first scene and, even in flashbacks, it's good to see Laura Leighton again. Suddenly, her memories turn to the absurd as she stares at the pool while we're shown the famous "Jane throws Bridal Barbie Syd" into the swimming pool. Setting her suitcase down, Jane climbs the stairs to Amanda's apartment and is surprised when Kyle - her husband in real life - answers the door. "Hi Rob - errr, I mean Kyle," Jane says and since when does she even know who this guy is? I mean, granted, they were in the first half of Season 5 together but I don't recall a single scene where both of them were involved. Kyle explains how he and Amanda are married just as Amanda herself appears and invites Jane in for coffee. Jane informs them that she's just moved back to LA and was wondering if they had any vacant apartments since half the cast is getting ready to leave anyway. Kyle offers her his old apartment "rent free" but Jane insists on paying rent since "that's what Amanda would want". Agreeing, Amanda makes a bizarre comment about how she and Jane are "old friends" but Jane just stands there smirking - this scene was strange.

Billy and Jennifer are cleaning out his office at AWA when an extra walks in and hands Billy a fax. Why, it's from Alison who says she still loves Billy and wants to see him one more time even though her new Billy on "Ally McBeal" is a much better catch in my book. Clearly shaken, Billy leaves Jennifer to finish packing while Sam smiles smugly at her desk. Billy marches into Amanda's office, shoves the fax in her face and demands to know what she knows about it. Instead of replying, "It's a piece of paper that comes through a magical fascimile machine and all these little black marks on it are letters that form words and sentences," she advises him not to pay any attention to Alison's message. Billy, not one to ever let anything go, wants to know if Alison has asked about him. Amanda tells him "no" and admits the fax is a bit of a surprise. "Don't let your past back into your life," she advises because we can't have any more ex's mysteriously flying over bannisters or out windows to their deaths. "Ignore this and appreciate what you have."

Later that evening, Sam is at her apartment getting drunk and I would be drinking too if my outfit were as bad as hers. Jeff calls and, unlike Sam, feels remorse for what he did to Billy. Oh, and having an affair with Billy's brand-new wife was any better? He complains about doing Sam's dirty work and how revenge is wrong and since when did this guy get a conscience? Sam shows how watching hour after hour of "Jeopardy!" has finally paid off by using the word "sanctimonious" in a sentence, prompting Jeff to hang up on her - the first sensible thing he's ever done.

Joe Sample is playing at the jazz club, but no one has taken dance lessons, and Kyle is pounding on the stage in gorilla-like fashion as Jane enters with Amanda. The past 18 months flash before Jane's eyes as she's rapidly greeted by Peter and then Jennifer, told about Jen and Billy's move to Italy and introduced to Megan - "Michael Wife #4". Megan and Jane are friendly enough but it's a bit disconcerting to realize that Jane, Megan, Amanda and possibly even Jennifer have all seen Michael naked. Amanda suggests they open a bottle to celebrate Jane's return to the show and she, Kyle and Jane sit at a special table discussing what a wonderful life the newlyweds have. Again, given the real-life situation between Kyle and Jane, this all seems a bit odd.

Over at the bar, Peter looks ill and keeps staring at two surly men sitting at a table across the room. Unable to control the ants in his pants any longer, Peter approaches the 2 men, informs them he knows Beck and requests they "be gentle" with Amanda. This is such a bad opening line that for a minute I thought he might ask one of them to dance. Thug #1 warns Peter to stay away from them or they'll "make it hurt". They walk out without leaving a tip for Megan so we know they're tough and mean. Peter watches them leave with a terrified "deer caught in the headlights" expression on his face.

Amanda visits Jane at her new apartment which is surprisingly well-furnished considering all she brought was one suitcase. Amanda inquires about Jane's job search which, naturally, hasn't produced a job yet since she's only been back in town for one day. Amanda tells Jane she has this wonderful solution and suggests she hack off all her hair again using kiddie scissors and take up residence in the apartment garage making clothes for people who get buried alive. Hey, they've re-used so many old storylines I figured, why not? She tells Jane how she landed a new account with a clothing retailer because, basically, she lied and told them her agency had a lot of fashion sense. Jane, although easily snowed by Michael's antics, manages to see through Amanda's facade and tells her, "so you thought you'd come to me and do me a big favor so you could get me for cheap." Startled that she's no longer the only attractive AND intelligient blonde on the show, Amanda smiles and mentions how much "growing" Jane did while she was in Chicago. A knock at the door notifies Jane that this scene is about to end so she tells Amanda she'll "negotiate over lunch" the following day and answers the door. Michael bolts in and immediately launches into Forgive Me Speech #9785612. "I hope you outgrew this in Chicago as well," Amanda quips as she exits and Michael goes into full-throttle grovel mode. Jane tells him to be honest and after 6 years of being the manipulative, lying scum-pig-dog he is, I think chances are greater that I'll lose 50 pounds in 5 days before he learns to tell the truth. Besides, this show thrives on his dishonest antics. Michael confesses the only reason he went to Chicago was to see Jane and tells her, truthfully, about his arrangement with Taylor. "For once in my life I'm doing the right thing and I may lose you because of it," he whines. Jane then admits her maternal instinct kicked in when she saw Taylor because she always wondered what would have happened if she and Michael had kids. I can answer that. They would have aged in accelerated dog years and would now be teenage prostitute junkies either living with Matt or begging for roles on "90210". Hearing Jane's lament, Michael gets the brilliant idea that he, Jane and Taylor should all live together and use it as a "trial run" for when he and Jane have kids of their own. Pod people have obviously already taken control of Jane's body as she agrees to this ridiculous notion and tells Michael she and Taylor will talk.

Next door, the other resident Mancini is desperately clinging to her man making him kiss her before he goes out for a jog. Honestly, Jen, you got the engagement *and* the passport - feel free to chill anytime. As Billy kisses Jen goodbye, he adds to this week's Flashback Mania as he remembers kissing Alison goodbye at the airport when she left for greener pastures on "Ally McBeal". Jen asks Billy what's wrong but he again tells her he's just going out for a run and points her to the valium in the medicine cabinet. Once outside, however, a defeated-looking Billy sits on the steps with his head slumped between his legs while Jennifer watches him from her window.

Amanda is escorted into the Emergency Room by her #1 extra, Julie, who instantly starts barking orders for someone to help her boss who was hurt during a photo shoot. Those eyelash curlers really can be a bitch sometimes. Actually, it's Amanda's arm that's bandaged and bleeding so they put her in a wheelchair and page Peter. Talk about star treatment - I've seen people in car accidents covered in blood have to STAND waiting for a doctor longer than she does. Within seconds Peter magically appears, sees Amanda slumped over in a wheelchair and panics thinking Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dork have hurt her. Amanda assures him she's fine so he orders a suture tray and rushes to his office where he calls Mr. Beck. Since Beck is out of town on tour promoting his latest album, Peter reaches some unknown identity and orders them to "reach him" because it's an emergency - the deal "must be stopped".

Jen and her curls are working at the Upstairs bar when Megan walks over and tells Jen how happy she should be since she's one day away from leaving the country - and the show - for good. Jen complains about Billy's distant attitude and the fact he uses too much hair gel. She knows she should talk to him about it but Megan, suddenly an expert in successful relationships, tells Jen not to "put it on the line" because their relationship is so new. Yeah, I agree - better to start out with lies and deceipt - there will be plenty of time for honesty later when you're sharing denture cleanser and incontinence aids. Megan crosses the room to deliver Lexi her drink and the two share some "girl talk" about men. Lexi assures Megan that she has nothing to worry about and promises to "keep her guard up" even though she's taken to walking around the apartment half-naked. She continues baiting Megan by telling her Coop "appreciates women with class" which would explain why he left her in the first place for a psychopath doctor in a coma. Megan calmly informs Lexi how she and Coop "married hearts" on the beach the day of their bogus wedding. She continues about how one day she and Coop will marry and have their $5 million nest egg and walk off into the sunset where the ghost of Kimberly will greet them and tell them their careers have been one big nightmare sequence. "We'll see," says Lexi as she orders more nuts since she obviously can't get any at home.

Back to the Fantasyland ER where patients are still being treated in record time. This time Taylor is rushed in on a gurney with Jane by her side. Michael rushes over to them and Jane excitedly tells him how Taylor started having contractions and, again, I must say this is the fastest pregnancy I've seen since Corinne's Satan-child on "Soap". "We BONDED!" Taylor gleefully shouts as she proclaims her love for Jane. Even though the contractions stopped, Michael tells Taylor she'll have to take it easy for the remainder of her pregnancy. Taylor tells him, "If you're telling the truth this time, I want Jane to come stay with me." Uh-oh. I sense it won't be long before they're asking Michael to move out of the beach house. "It's alright honey," Jane coos to Michael, "we were just talking about you a lot tonight" and now I KNOW this has to be some bizarre dream sequence. Jane oversmiles and Taylor oversmiles as they each share in some hearty laughter which starts to echo as...

We cut to a new scene. So much for my dream theory. Now we're back to the 365 Day Nightmare as Lexi sits on the sofa - again barely dressed - drinking her 100th drink of the season (and this is only the fifth episode). Coop emerges from the bedroom - also with drink in hand - and Lexi immediately starts harassing him for being on the phone so long. Who can blame him? He can't see his girlfriend and the thought of sex with Lexi is revolting so, naturally, he's resorting to calling 1-900-GET-LAID. He asks Lexi what she said to Megan earlier and, instead of telling him the truth, she whines that Megan "hurt her feelings" - as if such a thing is even possible. Exasperated, Coop starts to leave telling Lexi, "I'm not putting up with anymore of your crap" but Lexi informs him otherwise. She reminds him how he'll get sued for fraud and then tells him, "Megan is counting on that money." Coop angrily tells Lexi to shut up so she suggests, "Why don't you shut my mouth?" Enraged, Coop throws his glass against the wall, pushes Lexi backward on the sofa, jumps on top of her and spends way too much time fumbling with the spaghetti strap of her nightie during which time I swear her breast is exposed. Finally he kisses her and somehow I think Lexi would do better to get on the phone and try that 900-number instead.

The following morning Lexi awakes on the sofa magically wrapped in a black towel while Coop sits at a nearby table looking like Lassie just told him Timmy is stuck in a well. He sternly tells Lexi that the "twisted thing that happened last night" never happened and she'd better keep her mouth shut. Lexi has no problem with his request, provided he does her one small favor - put the rest of the settlement money in a joint bank account. Disgusted with himself and the situation Coop agrees and exits the room.

At the beach house, it appears Taylor's pregnancy has moved from her uterus to her breasts as she walks down the hallway, pausing to look in the bedroom where Jane is sleeping in Michael's arms. She conveniently opens her eyes and sees Taylor who instantly runs out to the living room. Jane kisses Michael as she gets out of bed to follow Taylor and does anyone else find it odd that she's living in the house originally owned by the woman who caused Michael to leave her in the first place? In the living room, Jane finds Taylor crying because everyone has someone and she's going to be stuck with a screaming baby. As Taylor continues to lament about how she and the baby won't be good for each other, a lightbulb appears above her head as she suggests Jane and Michael raise it. Shocked, Jane tells Taylor to stop dropping acid and get plenty of rest since she's obviously tired and dilusional. Taylor agrees although the look on her face says otherwise.

First, Jane returns to the show. Then we get to see both Sydney AND Alison courtesy of flashbacks. Now, to top it all off, we're treated to the return of POOL BOY!!! I salute you... and I ignore you as I continue with this scene. Inside her apartment Jennifer is excitedly jabbering as she packs a suitcase for Italy. What is with these people? They relocate to new cities and countries and all anyone packs is one suitcase? I'm just moving across town in 2 days and I've got more stuff than that. Billy enters the room and tells Jen they need to talk. He tells her about Alison's fax and explains she's "in trouble" and needs his help. Amazing how, even in script only, Alison can still manage to be a needy pain-in-the-ass. Jen is understandably confused and asks to see the fax which Billy reluctantly gives to her. Tears well up in her eyes so Billy reassures her he just needs to "make sure she's ok". Jennifer asks him to call Alison and tell her he's getting married (just as soon as he gets DIVORCED) but he defensively explains she's in rehab and, therefore, can't be reached by phone. "I just wonder if you're being honest with yourself," Jen explains but Billy hisses something about her not understanding as he leaves the room.

Wow... not only does this week's musical guest get his picture shown, he also gets to be in THREE scenes! As he sits onstage playing what sounds like the theme to "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood", Megan confronts Coop and asks him point blank if Lexi is seducing him. Naturally, he denies it and our theatre of pain rotates to the other end of the bar where Peter (didn't Kyle tell him last week never to return?) is sitting watching Beck's thugs who are as equally attentive watching Amanda. She kisses Kyle goodbye and leaves and Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dumber follow after her. Peter jumps up to chase after them but not before Kyle stops him to ask if he's "chasing after his wife". "I don't care about either one of you - leave me alone!" Peter yells and runs out the door. Outside, Amanda and her car pull out of the lot as Peter jumps in front of the thugs, tells them he's "in charge" and then offers to pay them more than Mr. Beck so they'll stop. They contemplate this for a moment but decide beating up the doctor would be more fun than any amount of money could buy. They leave Peter writhing in the parking lot as they jump in their car and leave.

Amanda is stopped at a stop sign when a car slams into the back of her's. Looking behind her, we see it's Thug #1 who follows her as she motions them to pull over to the curb and park directly in front of a fire hydrant. They each get out of their cars and Tweedle immediately admits responsibility and apologizes. As Amanda walks toward him, Thug #2 sneaks up from behind, covers her mouth with a chloraform rag and drags her now-unconscious body into the backseat of the car which then speeds off.

--written by Ellen and Stacie, edited by Stacie

Lexi forbids Coop to sleep with Megan anymore and uses their one night together as blackmail; Jennifer asks Billy not to go to Atlanta but he refuses her request; Jane promises Michael she'll "be there" for him and his son; Kyle gets a phone call from Amanda's kidnappers who demand 1 million bucks.