A tad later, the kidnappers arrive with Amanda at a leftover outdoor set from the X-Files. Actually, it's an abandoned cabin. They lead her into her new room which, ironically, looks bigger than Billy's apartment. When they remove Amanda's blindfold, instead of being grateful her mascara didn't smudge, she asks why they're showing her their faces. "We don't care," says the talkative captor. Like a real wiseass, he lays out the "ground rules" telling Amanda she's asking for trouble if she doesn't cooperate. "Kidnapping is a federal offense," she informs him. This brings no response as, of course, she is talking to a cri-mi-nal (noun, 1. one engaged in behavior outside the law...). The dude locks the door and walks out.

Kyle cruises the streets of L.A. looking not for Divine Brown and a quick fix, but for Amanda. I like the black comedy touch, playing "She's Gone" (a funky tune) in the background. He finally spots her car, abandoned and with a broken tail light, parked by a fire hydrant. If this was New York, she'd have 7 tickets on the windshield by now. He examines the car, and then removes the keys which are still in the ignition (another YEAH, RIGHT!!). Time to dial 911.

Jane, playing house like days of old, wishes Michael a good day at work and ushers him off. She is looking forward to enjoying a pleasant day with Taylor. Now, as there is no such thing, I wonder what these two are really up to. Could we be seeing the female counterplot to the departed Matt's alternative lifestyle? I digress. Jane is ready to hop in the shower, but Taylor asks her to stay with her a bit. "Have you thought about my offer?" Taylor asks. Jane says she has already purchased the Brooklyn Bridge. Actually, Taylor is referring to the take-my-baby-please proposition which Jane didn't take seriously because she thought Taylor was being "hormonal". But Taylor responds that some people have informed her she's a little self-centered, vindictive, and out-of-control. Gee, thank God she told us, I thought I was just completely misreading the character! "These are hardly maternal qualities," Taylor says so she must think hitting people over the head with shovels and burying them alive are some of the finer points any "Mother Of The Year" would possess. Jane proposes that motherhood can change a person, much like a hiatus from a show can change a short-haired blond dolt into an assertive, bitchy star. Taylor thinks that the only reason Michael's had no luck in love was because Jane was his only true love and she "jinxed" the rest. She don't watch no reruns! Jane promises only to discuss the subject to Michael. They smile and stare at each other lovingly, which for a second I thought would validate my earlier theory, but we go to...

Amanda's office. Hey it's Samantha - trying to work. Jeff Baylor walks in carrying a box of what appears to be all of the clothes Sam's torn off during their passionate love scenes. Jeff tells her his house has been put on the market and she has to get all her stuff out soon. Seems young Rizzuto has gotten that announcer's job in Tampa, Florida. He also feels very guilty about what he did to Billy on the fax - playing a fake Alison and all. Despite the beginning of the end approaching quick as a Deep Impact meteor, Sam wants to celebrate with dinner. Griffey agrees reluctantly to a meal at Kyle's since that is the only soundstage set available.

Hey they brought Savannah back! No, well anyway, Peyton, er Lexi walks along a dock with Coop to give him a "thank you for that spontaneous night of angry sex" present. What is it? A sailboat!! What bankrupt people can buy these days... Appears she used money from their "joint account" to buy it. She shows him the hole down below - the ship's that is. Coop says she's got her "get out of jail free" card - now leave the rest for me and Megan. Lexi reminds him that Coop is married to her, not his "mistress", Megan. She makes it clear that she has him by the cojones. In anger, Coop tries to slug the ho, but his swing is worse than Jeff Baylor's and he misses. She eggs him on to hit her, challenging his manliness. She then whips off the shirt (yes, bra there) and challenges the other manliness. She pulls him down and begins to make out with him but Coop breaks free this time and leaves.

The kidnappers call Kyle at his office demanding a million dollars ransom for Amanda's return. Kyle angrily demands to know she is alive so the kidnapper holds the phone up to Amanda's face so they can have some quickie phone sex. Amanda let's it "slip" that she's at a cabin so they yank the phone away. Even though Kyle has no way to get a million dollars (too bad Coop's already married) the rogues tell him they'll call back to agree on a dropoff spot.

Mike, at the hospital, spots Jane waiting for Taylor to come out of the docs office. After telling Mike she's almost done and doing fine, the boy plays slick and tries to make a quick exit. Jane tells him, "I've been talking a lot with Taylor" to which Michael replies, "Big mistake." Jane reveals the entire Taylor Rent-A-Kid Plan but Michael wants no part of this, saying Collagen Mom must learn to adjust to motherhood. Jane says he should take some responsibility - a word missing from Michael's vocabulary. She assures him that, although she won't necessarily take custody, she will "be there for the baby". This draws a hug and kiss from a for-once content Michael. I know this euphoria has to end soon - just a matter of how? We see a plotter's smile on Jane's face as she hugs Michael - could this be the start of the evil Jane we were promised?

Back to the X-Files cabin. Amanda has managed to pry one of the pins from a hinge on her door - this is more work than she ever put into that friggin' apartment complex! The Captor Who Talks walks in with her meal - a Jello sandwich (which, by the way, I invented at NYU in 1988 - expect a call from my lawyers). She asks who put him up to this and recites a "Who's Who" of Melrose Place Guest Stars by rattling off names of her enemies like the Parezi's, Rory's thugs, and others who left the show in body bags. The Captor tells her simply, "I guess a pretty face isn't everything" and walks out.

Schemer Burns - a name missing from Amanda's list - is on the phone with his mob connection, Mr. Beck. What a great Mafia name - I guess they were afraid of stereotyping the Italians again. Peter wants the deal called off but Beck refuses telling Peter he has "first date jitters". "Let the thing play out," he says, "and you'll have Amanda back." Kyle walks in right after Peter hangs up. He apologizes for his behavior earlier, obviously because of the question soon to follow. He tells Peter about the kidnapper's call and the one million dollar ransom. He goes on to explain how, even though he's mortgaged everything, he's still short $300,000. Peter agrees to help and tells him he only needs a couple hours to get it - not bad, that surgery business! Kyle stoically informs him he'll pay Peter back.

At a Kyle-less Kyle's, Sam and Jeff eat silently. Jeff is about as dead as Kimberly. "Saving your voice for the radio show?" Dopey asks. He says he has nothing to say to her. Sam informs Jeff he's "won" her over Billy but Jeff doesn't feel like he's won anything. Maybe if Sam wore nothing but a blue ribbon saying "First Place - County Fair" he'd feel differently. Then again, maybe not. At that moment, the Mancini siblings and their dates Jane and Billy walk in. Michael launches into his "I heard Alison fell off the wagon and you're going to rescue her" speech to which a contrite (or maybe it's just trite) Billy answers that he feels loyalty to her and wants to help. Given that she's on the next show making more money, I don't know exactly what kind of help Billy thinks he can give her. Jane, echoing Amanda's words from last week, says she knows Alison was having a hard time but thought she was doing fine until she heard about this fax. Jen then pokes fun at Alison's fax so Billy tells her to chill - he'll only be gone 24 hours. Jen is angry that their plans will get disrupted because of this and she won't be able to explain this to Dad Mancini. Tell him Billy went to play the horses or something! Jen lays it all on the line: Forget about Alison. Naturally, Billy says no so Michael calls him a bum. Jen walks off, Jane follows and Billy heads to the bar as Sam chuckles from her front row seat. Jeff, unable to take anymore of this stupidity, suddenly walks out of the restaurant - he wants to get as far away as he can from Samantha. He gets behind the pulpit and tells her how at first he thought she was an angel but she turned out to be a bitch - we guys have all been there. He tells her what I've been screaming at the TV now for years: that she blames her problems on everybody else - Billy, Jennifer, Psycho Dad - instead of taking any blame herself. Angry but silent, Sam stands there distraught as Jeff walks off.

Lexi, distraught herself, gives up on the candlelight dinner she had planned for her tardy husband and disposes of the salad just as Coop walks in. "You've been with her," sneers Lexi. "Yep," answers Coop. Wouldn't it be great to be able to say this to YOUR wife without being punished? Coop comments on how great the sex was with Megan and asks Lexi sarcastically if she wants to be "rated". Lexi then forbids him to sleep again with that "trailer trash" although I don't see where Paula Jones fits in here. She threatens to spill the beans about their tryst to Megan. She picks up the phone to call Megan but Coop grabs it and hurls it to the wall saying, "Next time it's your head." Lexi, knowing she has him by some male body part, struts her stuff into the bedroom ready for action if necessary.

Amanda's meals are improving - butter and eggs this time (although I must admit this is the first time I've ever seen butter served as an entree). It's all part of a diabolical plan by Aaron Spelling to fatten her up so they don't have to pay her contract next season. Amanda doesn't want to eat from "the dirty pan" which actually looks cleaner than any of my damn Farberware. The eggs like diner-menu quality. Amanda, in a fit of survivalism, nails our buddy in the back of the head with the pan - she shoots, she scores! Ready to escape, she removes the hinges from the window and steps outside to freedom even though she's still bound at the wrists. The Silent Sean-Connery Looking Captor spots her running off and starts in pursuit. He runs after her but Amanda Van Damme dips into a bush and evades him. Sadly, our survival guru is cut down as quickly as she was created because, as Amanda gets up from her hiding spot, the now-conscious Frying Pan Guy grabs her and hauls her ass back.

Coop tiptoes over to Megan's apartment and knocks on her door when Megan herself walks up behind him, obviously having done some laundry although I don't know what she'd be washing since she always wears the same black leotard outfit. Coop tells Megan that he wants to "run away" and tries to make it sound magical and Disney-like but Megan sees through the facade and asks, "What did Lexi do to you?" She needs pointers? Naturally, Coop says nothing but tells her to be ready at 10pm tonight.

Sam, having witnessed the healing of Preacher Jeff Baylor, visits Jen at the bar and confesses that she manipulated the whole "Alison Fax" scheme. She continues that she'll also tell Billy so he and Jen can "go back to being the cool couple" they were so now obviously Sam has also taken up smoking crack. Jen tells her not to say anything because she doesn't want to spend eternity with Billy knowing he's "just a phone call away from leaving her". "You're a horrible person, don't get me wrong," Jen laments but insists she needs Billy to prove he loves her without this information.

Megan pays a visit to Lexi at her condo, informs her of Coop's plans to run away and demands to know what's going on. Megan obviously doesn't know that one cannot earn their wings on this show - when you die on Melrose Place, you simply get reinvented on another Aaron Spelling drama. Lexi drools on about her and Coop and sex and being married and "Oh, I'm sorry, did I say sex?" Megan doesn't believe her at first but when Lexi informs her about the sailboat she realizes it's the truth. Running from the condo, she flees the set and demands her spine be returned.

It's 10pm and Coop arrives at Megan's apartment ready to run away from home and play grown-up with Megan. Megan, however, is sitting alone in the dark getting drunk - with none of her packing done. She tells Coop that she talked to Lexi and knows he slept with her. Coop plays dumb blonde at first but it doesn't last as he confesses to being a victim to Lexi's tricks. Megan is "tired of liars" and orders him to get out.

Peter goes to Kyle's office just in time for the kidnappers to call Kyle with the ransom drop-off instructions. He's to leave the money - a million dollars in small bills - in a public picnic area barbeque at 10pm tomorrow night (what's this sudden fixation with 10pm?) Another stipulation: Kyle isn't allowed to deliver it because he's married to her. Peter volunteers and since obsessive, dillusional, crime-hiring ex-husbands don't count as having any emotional ties to Amanda, he gets to go.

Back in Lexi-Land (where everything is an E-ticket ride) Lexi bitterly sips her coffee and realizes she should have invested in either a chef or cooking lessons. Coop arrives home so she compliments him on his promptness for "breakfast time" and snipes he must be "exhausted" from doing Megan. "Not me," replies Coop. "Pulled an all nighter at the hospital." When Lexi implies that Megan dumped Coop, he doesn't respond and, instead, plays kissy-face with his wife. He admits that, oh sure at first he wanted to kill Lexi for what she did but after giving it some thought he realized she was right and says her weeks of seduction have finally worked. Coop tells her he wants to "start over for real" and suggests they have their own "private little party" later that night to celebrate. With that he kisses the Lizard Princess and goes into the bedroom where he picks up the phone and dials Megan. She lets the machine pick up and listens as Coop apologizes and swears to get Lexi out of their lives for good.

Despite the fact that Jen is packing and the movers have arrived, Michael stops by and tries yet again to convince her not to leave. He's convinced Billy won't show up at the Mancini home in New Jersey once he's finished "supporting" Alison in Atlanta and goes so far as to call Billy a "male slut". Takes one to oh, no that's too easy. Jen finally admits she knows about the whole "Alison-Fake-A-Fax" but begs Michael not to "breathe a word" about so she can find out on her own if Billy loves her more than an old storyline.

Michael descends the stairs and runs into - Billy! Billy gets about as snotty as he can with Michael but he can't compete with the pro. Michael ruins Jen's "Billy Prove You Love Me" plan, revealing the true origin of the fax and negating Billy's excuse to travel to Atlanta to watch a Braves game. Even worse, he tells Billy that Jen knew about it all along. "Only a Mancini can keep something like that to themselves." WELL OBVIOUSLY NOT SINCE YOU CAN'T KEEP A SECRET MORE THAN 2 SECONDS YOU IDIOT!!! Michael offers Billy his condolences on marrying his sister and, at first, Billy is dumbstruck but quickly recovers with, "Wait a minute - why am I listening to you? You're an idiot." With that he turns and runs up the stairs.

The X-Files music is kicking in now as well as the scenery. At the cabin, the kidnappers are showing Amanda everything they learned as Boy Scouts in rope-knot class as they tie her seven different ways to a chair. Amanda demands to know where they're going so they inform her they're "off to get the money" and aren't coming back for her. "If the money's all there, someone will find you," they say. Given the fact her proposed heroes are Kyle and Peter, that's not a very promising rescue. The kidnappers bust out and, as is standard procedure for drama shows, they leave a potentially helpful article on the table - a beer bottle. Amanda knocks it to the floor and begins to use the fragments to help sever the rope.

Billy strides in to Jen's apartment, breezes past her, picks up the phone and cancels his flight to Atlanta to the short-lived pleasure of Jen. She excitedly thanks him for doing it but when he gives his patented Billy DUH stare, she asks him what's wrong. "Where do you want me to start?" he responds. How about in the stockroom, pretty boy! He angrily tells her he knows about the Samantha scheme, the Jennifer scheme, and the bitter fact he really WON'T have another scene with Courtney Thorne-Smith before his upcoming departure from this show. "What are we, in junior high school here?" he asks and, given the structure of that sentence, junior high would be an academic step up for him. He hates liars (maybe he and Megan should get together and have a WHINE and cheese party) and calls the engagement off.

Speaking of Megan, she's at the hospital looking for her husband-in-training - errr, I mean waiting - Coop. Apparently he took off hours ago leaving poor Michael in the lurch. Michael tells her Coop was headed for the marina and he speculates correctly that he's with Lexi on their boat with Gilligan, the Skipper too... ahem. Mike's Weather Channel forecast of storms did not stop Coop from going, either. Is it kicking in now, Megan? That little thing we call LOGIC? Mike, in his disclosure, tries to liberate his ex from Coop but to no avail.

And storming it is. Peter gets out of his really wet vehicle, walks over to the agreed drop-off barbeque grill and finds a map indicating Amanda's locale. Stuffing the money bag in the grill, he calls Kyle and tells him where he's headed. Kyle insists on meeting them, despite the storm, so Peter reluctantly gives directions.

Meantime, Ms. Survivalist '98 is doing pretty well. She's managed to use the beer bottle fragments to cut her bonds at the cost of some bloodshed. She is free, out in the gloomy open air, but as she exits the cabin the older, fatter kidnapper pops out of the shadows and for someone as out of shape as he is he certainly does get around pretty quickly.

Michael arrives back to Taylor and Jane, wet from the rain (I rhymed). He's brought a greasy deli sandwich for Taylor and nuttin' for me. As Taylor dives into her sandwich with contents too disgusting to name, Michael and Jane add to the nausea factor by discussing their shower plans and how amazing it is to be a couple again, especially given the fact Jane doesn't have red hair nor a penchant for knives. Just as they are about to be home free, Taylor screams. Is it contractions or the friggin' hot peppers? Looks like time to burst.

Peter arrives at the cabin where the firehose rain is now in full force, even if it is going in 3 different directions at once. Yelling for Amanda, he finds the bloody ropes and gets the wrong idea. He dials Mr. Mafia, despite being specifically told earlier to "lose his number", and tells him the situation. Beck tells him, "If your girl messed things up it's her tough luck." Peter sighs then calls Kyle to tell him she's gone...

--written by Anthony and Stacie, edited by Stacie

Coop takes Lexi out on their boat with plans to throw her overboard; Sam calls Jeff on his radio show and proposes marriage; Taylor, in advanced stages of labor, refuses to have her baby until Michael and Jane agree to raise it; one of the kidnappers threatens to shoot Amanda; Kyle is called to ID Amanda's body