Speaking of Amanda, Queen of the Jungle, she's running through the woods as the guitars begin their requisite screaming. Along comes the older of the two kidnappers and, for some unfathomable reason, he has a pack the size of a baby elephant on his back. Amanda sees him, does some bizarre twisty motion with her convenient trench coat, and runs on. Peter comes out of the cabin and goes to his car, pulling out a flashlight. He trots off into the woods muttering under his breath, "ME Tarzan! Kyle Simba! ME play jungle games in the Queen's Safarais-R-Us sheets tonight!" Amanda continues running to the tune of the extra-waily guitar, turning around just in time to see elephant-pack-man on her tail, grinning and shining a flashlight on her. "Oh God..." she breathes and turns to run yet again.

Sing with me: sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this Melrose port aboard a tiny ship. The mate was a - oh, you get the point. Lexi of the ever-changing shades of mood hair and the ever-wincing Coop are on board the SS Idiocy being tossed about in the storm. Lexi can't find the life jackets and Coop pleads innocent on that one since Lexi bought the boat. Sign these two up for the next water safety class. Coop promises Lexi a dozen life jackets and yellow roses (who on earth is his florist?) which will make her feel all better since SHE CAN'T SWIM. Lexi whines that she wants to go home and the always-practical Coop offers champagne and heads down below to retrieve it. Now, tell me - why would a woman smart enough to finagle 5 million dollars out of an unloving husband yet unable to swim go out on a boat in the middle of a storm without first putting on a life jacket and then agree to stay on deck with the boat being buffeted in the storm? I don't know either but that's what she does. Coop goes down to get the champagne but, instead, finds Megan the stowaway! She tells him she forgives him for his infidelity (or whatever the word is when you have sex with your wife instead of your girlfriend) and begs him not to kill Lexi and might I add that this bastion of virtue is an EX-HOOKER who, until recently, made her living off the fantasies of the dregs of society. Coop scoffs and tells Megan he just wants to scare Lexi a little which I'm sure is quite a comfort to his soon-to-be next wife. Lexi frantically calls out for Coop from up above instead of just coming below where it is safer and drier and altogether a better place to be in a storm. Coop tells Megan, "Think of it as payback," and explains his goal is to make Lexi mad enough to kick him out so he can resume his happy life with Megan. Megan is ashamed she ever doubted him, they kiss, and Coop brandishes a bottle of champagne at her as he runs back up to Lexi. Open-mouthed, Megan waits anxiously for Prince Smarming to return...

Both Peter and elephant-pack-man are both running around after Amanda with flashlights so it's hard to tell them apart. Hopefully Amanda won't have the same problem as she hides under some rocks and the bad guy bumbles right past her.

Then we get a very odd commercial for Feria haircolor from Loreal. Okay, so I understand that Jamie Luner's mood hair does need constant attention, and her loyal fans do want to lemming along after her, but when the model tells us that she sees herself "In Feria," as you look away from the TV to grab your Diet Coke and are not paying much attention, am I crazy or does it sound like she is saying that she sees herself "inferior" and what the hell kind of advertising is that? Is this Billy Campbell's last revenge on AWA?

Full moon over the beach house where Taylor, in the throes of childbirth, is screaming and pouting and puffing out her lips so much that if you look closely you can see the "Inflate to 35 PSI" tattooed insider her bottom lip. Taylor begs to go to a hospital but she's out of luck as the ambulance is delayed by a mudslide. Michael and Jane tell Taylor to push but Taylor refuses until they agree to take custody of the baby. They agree, Taylor pushes twice, and out pops a big, clean, month old baby making this the most unrealistic birth in the history of television. Michael comments that the baby has all his fingers and toes and, thankfully, doesn't have his mother's lips. Everyone congratulates Taylor on her hard work but since my own mother spent 27 hours in labor with me, I'm not impressed.

The guitars wail on as the Queen of the Jungle skips daintily though the raindrops...

Now we're magically transported to Tampa, Florida, where Jeff Baylor is working as a DJ at "WQAK, 100 AM" which really annoys me because I just realized I must have a defective radio in my car since my radio doesn't go as low as 100 on the AM dial. Jeff is talking to Vic from North Hollywood - oops, I mean Joe from East Tampa - telling him about his hero Ken Griffey Jr. who "plays clean and hard; even plays injured" and is, therefore, a great role model for upcoming athletes, which is a pretty twisted thing to say considering Jeff lost his prestigious position in the Minor League due to an injury. I guess misery loves company and the more athletes who play injured the more who will be permanently off the playing field and into interesting and rewarding jobs as DJ's at non-existent AM radio stations. Jeff looks up and sees Sam standing outside the booth so not only does this station have 100 on the AM dial, but they have lax security and they let their DJ's work alone in the station with no one else around. Congrats, Jeff - you appear to have landed quite a stellar job at quite an impressive establishment. I wonder if they give you cardboard and crayons and let you make your own paycheck, too! That would be swell! Jeff abruptly cuts to a commercial and goes out to talk to Sam. She tells him that his bawling her out the other day really hit home and she feels bad for hurting people and messing up their lives. At first, Jeff shows a touch of emotion, but he promptly forgets his lines and resorts to reading cue cards in a monotone. Sam tells him she confessed to Jen and Billy, asking for their forgiveness, but admits, "Getting on that plane and coming to see you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do." Now, that's saying a lot for someone who comes from a completely psycho family background with a gun-slinging mother and a deranged father who accidentally killed poor Syd on her wedding day to plastic-boy Craig, causing Sam excrutiating guilt and then trying desperately to get over the whole dead-father-coming-back-to-haunt-her stupidity, which reminds me of that ridiculous painting she made with her father all demonic and lurking in flames, and I just suppose that whole nightmare was NOTHING compared to getting on a plane and trying to get back together with AM-100-boy. Good God. Sam tells Jeff she loves him but Jeff tells her it really is over and gives her an unenthusiastic hug goodbye. Sam is left standing in the hallway looking confused as Jeff goes back into the booth and has an Excedrin moment.

Peter busts into the cabin, flashlight a-blazin', and receives a call from Kyle informing him about the road conditions. "He said no cops! They wanted no cops!" cries Rain Main Peter. Kyle reminds him they also said they'd return Amanda when they got the cash. He goes on to say he's been asked to ID the body of a woman in her mid-30's they think might be Amanda and let me just add here that this was such a stupid waste of our time, considering we all know that Amanda is the reason this show is still in existence and Spelling's folks have made it very clear this is the "season of Amanda". So, for the writers to think we would have any shred of doubt in our minds that the Queen still runs free in the jungle is just preposterous. But I digress. Peter shouts that the connection is breaking up and starts to mumble, "It's the battery. It's a dead battery. Dead battery. Wopner in 5 minutes. K-mart sucks..." He angrily throws the phone against the wall only to leave himself looking around the cabin thinking that if he were McGyver, he'd make his own damn cell phone out of breath mints, coal and some pinecones and the battery would never ever die, no sir.

Jeff is back on the air when he gets a call from Sam who is on a pay phone in the parking lot. She proceeds to explain to WQAK's entire listening audience of 3 all about her screwed-up marriage to Billy and her screwed-up relationship with Jeff, but she does it using baseball metaphors in case anyone out there gets suspicious and thinks she's not a legitimate caller. Once again, Jeff abruptly cuts to a commercial and runs out to see her, only this time they promise each other they'll get married in exactly "five months and eleven days" when Sam's divorce is final and, ironically, probably when her contract with "The Net" gets cancelled. They embrace and head towards the going-away party - 2 down, 4 to go.

Meanwhile, Kyle is anxiously waiting to identify the mystery woman the police brought in. He rubs his hands together and - presto, chango - is magically transported in time to the first time he told Amanda he loved her. Unfortunately, Flashback Time is cut short by the arrival of a police officer who, for some reason, gives Kyle the lovely task of pulling back the covering on the corpse's face. Kyle tells us what we already know - it ain't Amanda - and wonders what to do next.

Back to the SS Idiocy where this whole thing with Coop's boat is giving me motion sickness. Lexi is still freaking out because, in addition to not having any life jackets, it seems the radio is broken as well. Coop doesn't help matters much by insinuating he's going to kill her and acking like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining". Lexi runs below deck - FINALLY - where she promptly runs into Megan, the virtuous caretaker of all that is Melrose! Megan fills her in on what she knows, which is becoming harder and harder to believe. Lexi doesn't buy it either as Coop makes a big show of nailing the hatch closed.

We return to the boat after the commercial break to find Coop still playing "New Yankee Workshop" and Lexi still in mild hysterics. Megan keeps trying to convince Lexi that Coop's just fooling around and then decides to go up and talk to him herself. Lexi opts to stay in the hold but doesn't seem any more relaxed, and no wonder - Megan cut the engine. Megan can't find Coop and for a while it seems that he's downstairs with Lexi, who runs out on deck only to find him there. He grabs her and acts like he's going to throw her into the water. Megan tries to stop him, gets back-handed in the process, and goes overboard instead. "You lied to me", she wails after he and Lexi fish her out. Rather than apologizing, Coop proceeds to tell them how crappy his life is - he's got a nice boat and a beautiful wife, but he doesn't want them and it's all Megan's fault for being the "hooker with the heart of gold" and getting him into all this. Even Lexi is shocked. Surly Coop turns the boat - and his life - around as Megan cries and Lexi comforts her.

Shhhh... listen. You can almost hear "Stayin' Alive" playing in the background as Billy struts across the courtyard and up to Jennifer's apartment, to which he still has a key. Despite the fact the movers have already come and gone, he's only there to finish packing and remind Jennifer what a helpful person she is for helping him out of his marriage and all. Put off by his nasty attitude, Jennifer goes to take a shower as the phone rings. It's Michael telling Billy the news of Mikey Jr. He's glad to hear that the engagement's off and says he'll pick Jennifer up at 6 for her flight to New Jersey. Billy enters the bathroom and tells Jennifer the news but turns her down when she asks him to "join her". Whether she was referring to the shower or her trip is a moot point, I guess.

Jane is expressing her maternal instincts at Wilshire Memorial and apparently Taylor is expressing more than that because Jane's feeding the baby a bottle. Jane promises to be a good mom to the baby and to love him and pet him and squeeze him as Taylor chimes in with comments about how much the baby looks like her. Taylor asks to hold the baby but quickly returns him after nearly dropping him a dangerous 4 inches into her lap. "Oh, he hates me," she laments but Jane continues trying to boost her confidence. "It comes naturally," Jane insists, but Taylor replies that the only thing that comes naturally to her is something they can't discuss in front of a minor. Very nice - Mommy Dearest has nothing on this woman.

The rain seems to have stopped but that doesn't stop Fun In The Jungle. Amanda and her 4-inch heeled Spice Girl boots are reduced to inching down a 50-foot cliff as elephant-pack-boy closes in on her and squeezes off a few shots. "I want to be the Special Guest Star!" he booms but before he can finish her off, Peter McGyver tackles him to the ground and persuades him to lay off and go home so they can both "be heroes". Nevermind the fact the road's washed out or anything. "Fire off a round for effect," Peter orders as he releases the big lug and rappels down to Amanda. She flirts with MPD by first whacking him in the face and then giving him a big hug as she tells him how happy she is to see him.

Peter is now carrying Amanda toward a shack of a motel that actually looks just like the cabin with electricity and indoor plumbing added. Peter says, "My body heat will do you good." I bet. They reach the motel and bang on the door, screaming for someone to open up. A man sporting about 3 good teeth appears and tells him they're closed, but when he realizes it's Dr. Psycho and Amanda, Special Guest Star Queen Of The Jungle, he lets them in. They tell him they need to use the phone to call an ambulance but when he informs him the phone lines are down, they decide to get a room instead. Somehow I fail to see the connection - must be that Body Heat Therapy Peter mentioned. Sure enough, Peter tells Amanda, "We gotta get you out of these wet clothes" and asks the owner for extra blankets but Toothless can't be bothered to help. Peter then gives him Kyle's number and, explaining Kyle is Amanda's husband, asks him to call as soon as the phone lines are back up. Toothless, however, wants the dirt and with a raised eyebrow asks who Peter is. Before Peter can tell him how he used to date Amanda and then tried to kill her and then left and came back and dated her some more and then married her and cheated on her and divorced her and now he wants her back, Amanda chimes in with, "My personal hero." Perhaps someone should reiterate Peter's history to HER. Toothless mutters, "Congratulations" and hands Peter the keys.

And where is Kyle? He's still sitting in that remote police office, obviously waiting for another dead 30-something woman to come in so he can ID her, too. The cop tells him he can get to the cabin in a few hours despite the fact it's no longer needed and has probably already been reduced to firewood by the set construction team. Kyle's cell phone rings which he anxiously answers only to discover that Taylor is calling to tell him she had Mikey Jr. He tries to get her off the phone with a brief "Congrats - bye" but she prattles on and on about her "awe-inspiring miracle" and how she's been thinking about who she is and how she has no positive aspects and where her acting career is headed once she leaves the show. She continues her blathering by telling him how much she loves him and that she learned all of her non-existant "goodness" from him. To make him - along with the entire population of Los Angeles - happy, she's moving back to Boston and is selling her half of the club and restaurant back to him. None of this is leaving the intended impression on Kyle who hastily tells her, "Goodbye... and good luck." From her end Taylor tells the now-dead phone, "To hell with you!" and hangs up.

Elsewhere in the hospital, Jane confronts Michael about his sister, Jennifer, who's crying over Billy and, naturally, it's all Michael's fault. She asks him if he had anything to do with Jennifer and Billy's break-up adding, "He was THE ONE for her and you ruined it!" Bah... there is no such thing as THE ONE on this show. Michael feels the need to defend his actions, saying that Jennifer will move back to New Jersey, get fat and get over him. Even better yet she might return East and find the personality she lost once she moved to LA. Jane, who seems to be vying with Megan for "Special Guest Saint" status, tells Michael he can still wiggle his nose and "fix the situation".

Back at the "Not The Hyatt" motel, Peter aggressively rips the covers off the bed and gets a blanket for the freshly showered Amanda. As she emerges from the bathroom, wrapped in the blanket, Peter orders her to get into bed. "That's a prescription, not a come on," he explains. Amanda then asks why he came to save her so he tells her that since he got wet, he had to come... get her. Amanda tells him how she thought she was going to die, despite the fact she just renewed her contract, so Peter coos, "No one's going to hurt you now" and tells her to get some sleep. She follows his advice, rolls over, and magically falls asleep within 2 seconds. How else can one explain the fact that Peter strokes her face without getting his fingers gnawed off?

The following morning finds Amanda cozily sleeping on Peter's bare chest - it's amazing what can happen during a simple commercial break! They're rudely awakened by some idiot banging on the door and - surprise! - it's Kyle! Kyle then asks, "I don't mean to be ungrateful, but why don't you have any clothes on?" Amanda comes to Peter's rescue and defends him as strains of Joey Scarbury's "The Greatest American Hero" swell in the background. Kyle whispers to Amanda how worried he was but then notices she's not wearing any clothes, either. Who ever said Kyle wasn't a rocket scientist! Peter explains that her clothes were all wet, which Amanda again defends, so Kyle thanks him for his heroic actions as Peter goes in search of his cape.

At the airport, Jennifer and Jane sit around while Jen talks about Michael and his experience as a first-time father. Jen asks Jane if she loves Michael and when Jane says she does, Jen tells her not to "screw it up this time". I can't see her sticking with him much longer since infidelity rules at Melrose and she's not even in the opening credits. Jen then whines about how she'd give anything to have another chance with Billy when King Dorkiness himself appears with Michael in tow. Jen is surprised to see him there and asks if he's coming with her. Billy tells her he's only going to walk off the set with her and then she's on her own with her new goofy WB sitcom (must have something to do with her co-star, Shannen Doherty). All traces of Billy's spine vanish as Doormat Billy reappears and spews about how he couldn't possibly imagine going to Italy without Jennifer - after all, she took the time to learn the language. Michael tries to take credit for their reconciliation although Billy claims he'd already changed his mind all by himself and all of this is pointless given the fact it's his final scene. Billy and Jen embrace and Jane pats Michael on the head and gives him a dog treat for being a good boy. And so goes the final scene for a guy who spent the past 6 years on this show - what a sendoff! That's another 2 gone - only 2 more to go.

Back at Melrose, Peter, Amanda and Kyle come strolling in from their little adventure. Kyle thanks Peter one more time as he heads off to his apartment. Amanda asks if Billy is already gone and when Kyle answers "yes" she casually shrugs it off and given the fact Billy is the whole reason she got on this show in the first place you think she'd be a little more concerned. Kyle just wants to get inside with Amanda and get down to business which is too bad for him since Amanda asks if he'll take a raincheck and do I *really* need this much information about their sex schedule? Kyle picks her up and carries her upstairs, just barely missing grazing her head against the wall in the process.

Megan bursts into Burns-Mancini wearing a baby-spew shirt so awful even Sydney wouldn't be caught dead in it. She charges past our favorite new secretary, Kerry, and storms into Coop's office where he's packing up the last of his belongings. She demands to know why he won't talk to her and what's going on with them so he explains that he's not angry with her and is moving to Philadelphia to take that job Dr. Horny offered him last season. Before Megan can get to the bottom of this, Lexi storms in causing Coop to question aloud, "Kerry, what do I pay you for?!" Obviously not the same thing that Michael pays her for since Coop actually expects her to work. Lexi yells at Coop for calling her lawyer and telling him the truth about their marriage as well as the fact it's over. She reminds him they're responsible for returning the 10 million dollars which doesn't concern Coop since she's the one who spent it on the IRS, the sailboat, and her ultra-expensive mood hair. Lexi then threatens him with a charge of attempted murder but Coop doesn't care. "It's just your word against mine," he says so obviously he forgot the fact Megan was there and she counts as one of those WITNESS things. Speaking of Megan, she's still busy trying to change Coop's mind about ending their relationship by telling him he still loves her but he replies, coldly, "Not anymore." He continues, "You'll never find anyone who loves you like I did" which I think is supposed to be an insult of some kind but it's actually a positive reminder when you consider his "love" included marrying another woman, sleeping with that woman and then trying to kill her. Coop walks out of the office - and off the show - leaving Lexi and Megan to console each other with some "Burns-Mancini coffee". Only one left...

Jane and Michael are in the hospital hallway on their way to Taylor's room but they decide to have a little chat out in the hallway since "Taylor can wait". Michael makes a belittling remark about Taylor being hormonal but Jane says she's a little jealous since all she ever wanted to do was have a baby with Michael and all that stuff about fashion designs and shovels and tiki torches was just BS. Michael reminds her she'll still get to change diapers which is somehow supposed to be the same thing and promises he'll be right by her side "cheering her on". Maybe it's me, but I just don't see Michael sporting a cheerleader outfit anytime soon. Jane reminds Michael - and anyone who wasn't watching the show 6 years ago - about her miscarriage when she was married to Michael so he tells her he wasn't ready to grow up then (and he's grown up NOW?) They finally enter Taylor's room to discover what I knew all along - that Taylor is gone. She did, however, leave a note on the neatly made bed in which she tells Michael and Jane she "has a bond with Mikey Jr. and it shouldn't be broken". Jane looks heartbroken and why this is a surprise to anyone is beyond me considering the history of babies on this show.

Next we see Taylor packing Mikey Jr. in the car telling him all about the proper use of car seats and how is it she suddenly knows everything about being Super Mom? She tells him how she hasn't had much luck with guys but things will be different with them because she's his mother. As Mikey Jr. scrambles around desperately looking for a blunt object with which to end his misery, Taylor drives away from the beach house and off the show for good.

Amanda and Kyle are curled up in those ever-present leopard print sheets and after her adventure in the jungle you'd think she'd finally break down and change those things. As Kyle continues sleeping, Amanda sneaks out to call Peter and thank him for the ten millionth time. She also apologizes for being mean to him and putting him down for carrying a torch for her. Kyle wakes up and listens from the doorway, completely unbeknownst to his dear wife. Good thing, too, because now he gets to hear the part where Amanda tells Peter how she thought the "connection" between her and Peter would go away but it hasn't. She tells him how "this time she won't take it for granted" and hangs up. Kyle then slinks back into the bedroom before Amanda can see him.

--written by Ellen, zinc and Matt, edited by Stacie

It's Melrose Place's 200th episode and "everyone is dying to get their hands on a long, lost diary with every dirty Melrose secret."