The next scene was a bit disconcerting, because it starts out with a woman talking, and you can't see who it is. I was betting dollars to donuts that it was Carol Channing, but it turns out to be LEXI! Give Lexi a few drinks and she turns into Mame? Scary. Lexi and Megan are commiserating about the "sharks" in the world and boozing it up at Kyle's (because God knows there is no other DRINKING establishment in the entire city). And let me get this straight: Lexi, the drug addict, can handle sucking down hootch, but just give her one little prescription Scooby Snack and she is a quivering mess? Uh, substitution much? Lexi's mood hair has now completed its progression from Daphne red to Velma brown. Megan asks her newfound friend Lexi to come join her at the Matt Party, but Lexi refuses. Peter compliments Lexi on her "new look" and gets snubbed. And let me just add right here that we got this whole "Lexi gets a new look" tease and what has she done? The same damn thing that she has done for pretty much every other episode since she has graced the show - CHANGE HER HAIR COLOR. Fine, Peter. So you notice her hair when it's brown, what about all the other shades? Hmmm? I guess since they aren't living together and he doesn't have to deal with the incessant trips to the salon or if she is feeling "In Feria" the constant chemical yuck and staining in the bathroom sink. But I digress...

Peter, Amanda, and Kyle are seated at a table and Megan, who appears rather drunk, crosses the restaurant and joins them. She procedes to tell the whole Matt Party that she is tired of men always leaving and let me just remind you Megan, they always have left, but they usually left $50 on the nightstand which is probably what you miss the most. Everyone is sitting around waiting for Matt and reminiscing about how much they love him and if they loved him so darn much, how come we haven't heard a THING about him since he left the show? Jane shows up and gets the "200th Episode Black & White Flashback Party" started by remembering a time shortly after her miscarriage when she and Matt took a walk on the beach with the dog she only had for one episode and then lost, and then refound, and then gave away to the woman who found it, and let me just say this whole thing SCREAMS maternal instinct. Flashback Jane tells Matt in a really weak foreshadowing moment, "I've never known anyone who's ever died. I mean personally." We return to the Matt Party where Peter says "Saint Matt" always knew what the right thing was to do which is, of course, why he was so boring and got bumped off the show and Peter smugly realizes that he will probably never get bumped after all the crap he's pulled. Everyone continues to talk about how great a guy Matt was and how he was so good to talk to and what a great listener he was and with all this talk about how Matt *WAS* it seems obvious what's going to happen next. Amanda is called to the phone at the bar and it's Michael calling to tell her that Matt died in a car accident. She comes back to the table zombie-like and tells everyone, "It's Matt. He's dead."

Then the opening credits start rolling and they've FINALLY added Josie Bissett! They've also removed a lot of people so they use several shots of each actor because if they don't they'll run out of characters before the opening theme is finished.

The next scene begins in an overly-obvious dream sequence with Amanda walking on the beach in a flowy white dress, picking up shells and turning to the camera with a smile to display her bottle of Summer's Eve just as the credits flash the fact that Heather Locklear co-produced tonight's episode. Narcicism much? Peter, at his shrink's office, is talking about his Amanda dream. The shrink tells him that Amanda doesn't love him blah blah blah whatever whatever whatever. Peter mentions the fact that his friend died in a car accident and since when were he and Matt such good friends that his death should rock Peter's world even a fraction of an inch? Walking over to the doctor Peter, whose hospital ID picture looks identical to one of those "Guess Whose High School Graduation Picture This Is" photos, tells him that he and Amanda have a connection that will last forever which, I might add, is what Frisco said about Felicia when Jack Wagner was on General Hospital years ago...

Michael and Jane are at the beach house out on the patio and Michael is blithering that he had Matt on the operating table and couldn't do anything to save him and then he had to call Matt's mom and what a nightmare all that was even though now he can't remember a bit of it. Michael then asks Jane if she was serious about them having their own baby. She replies, "yes" so he says he wants to start over and asks her to marry him "this time forever". She accepts and then hugs him as she giggles, "Oh my God!" which is exactly what I was thinking. Michael, in an obvious attempt to reassure her tells her, "Six is my lucky number!" although, by my accounts, he's only been married four times, not five. Maybe he's referring to the number of wedding ceremonies he's had...

Peter and Nurse No-Name are walking down the hospital corrider when she informs Peter that Amanda and Mr. Beck are in Peter's office. Rushing in, Peter discovers Amanda and Mr. Beck happily chatting away and why is Amanda calling him Mr. Beck yet he's on a first-name-basis with her? Beck hands Peter a briefcase with the "papers" Peter requested and exits. Peter opens the briefcase with Amanda no more than 2 feet away and discovers it's full of money - no doubt the same $1 million Peter risked his neck last week to deliver. Quickly closing the briefcase, Peter files it away in a cabinet and he and Amanda trot off to lunch.

Then we end up at the Upstairs where there is a lot of construction going on. Kyle says that he can't afford all the remodeling because he recently had to spend all his money getting his wife back from floundering kidnappers which makes you wonder why exactly he didn't call up the construction company and tell them that the work needed to be postponed, but whatever. Lexi shows up to see Megan and she tells Kyle that if he wants to improve the place he should start with the music, but somehow I REALLY don't think that she was hinting that he should hire SEAN LENNON.

Lexi tells Megan that her company is finally out of tax trouble and she wants to add advertising to the mix. First of all, do we really have a shred of an idea what Lexi's company does and second of all, how the hell did it get out of tax trouble if she lost her $5 million when Coop blasted out of town just last week and third of all, Lexi tells Megan that she used to do advertising before she and Coop were married but I thought she had been an interior designer! Do the writers ever read their own old scripts? Lexi asks Megan to join her because they'd make a "fabulous team." Yes, of course. Two women that hated each other until one week ago - great team. Lexi reminds Megan of the ridiculous plot line from last season in which she worked for Eric Baines and learned so much. And how stupid was it that Megan could go from being a hooker to a receptionist to a top ad woman, but I guess if Billy could go from being a failed screenplay writer to a dance instructor to a cab driver to a magazine writer to a top ad exec in no time flat, anything's possible in Melroseland. Megan refuses the offer, but Kyle tells Megan that she should consider it. Megan says that money isn't important, but love is. When lughead asks if she's referring to Coop (no, she's referring to Barney the dinosaur) she replies, "Coop was just a way to avoid Michael - no job can replace him." Yikes!

Amanda goes to see Mrs. Fielding and congratulate her on getting to milk one final scene out of her Melrose character. She asks if she and "her friends" can do anything to help and then asks if it's alright for them to attend the funeral. Mrs. Bitterness replies, "No, it's for family only." Amanda says that, in a way, they were his family, too. Yes, that's right. That's why he never had any lines or anything good going on and was just a sounding post for the rest of the crew and, once he was off the show, he was never mentioned again. Mrs. Fielding then gives Amanda a journal of Matt's that was found in his car and tells her bitterly that there's nothing about his family in there, just gossip and rumors about the Melrose folks. And that's pretty sad considering he's been off the show for QUITE some time and has nothing to say about what he's done since he's been gone. What's even more surprising is the fact the journal is only about half an inch thick and yet it's supposed to contain all the darkest secrets of every Melrose character for the past 6 years? Amanda takes it from Mrs. Fielding, tucks it under her arm and walks away.

Since this is the Season of Amanda, we return to Amanda, now reading the Mel-rosetta stone and laughing in her living room near Kyle. She says, "It's like reading a trashy novel except you know all the people." Kyle is complaining about construction costs, etc. because they spent all their money on ransom. She tries to cheer him up, asking if he wants to know a Michael secret or a Taylor secret. He isn't interested in either. Amanda comes up with the bright idea that Peter needs another woman to focus on, and suggests that she get him back with Mood Hair Woman. Kyle wants to take a shower, and he suggests that if Amanda can pull herself away from Matt's journal, she should meet him in the bedroom for some jungle lovin'. She reads more of the journal, freaks out, has a flashback of someone getting pushed off a building, and pulls a page out of the journal. She puts it in a book on the shelf, making sure that there are loose ends available for someone to discover.

The following morning Kyle is in the living room reading the journal when Amanda emerges from the bedroom and apologizes about last night. Kyle isn't very interested in her apology because his nose is buried so deep in the gossip-fest. There is stuff in there about Kyle having a brother who had some kind of thing with Taylor and since when was Matt chummy enough with either Kyle OR Taylor to get dirt on them? We go to another fake flashback where Kyle and his brother Ryan are fighting over Taylor which is pretty sad *and* wrong if you ask me. Ryan says that the Non-Lip-Challenged-One tried to seduce him and took her clothes off because Kyle and she were having problems with "some waitress." Hmmm. Could they mean the recently departed Jennifer? Kyle's loyal brother wouldn't do anything, even though Hefty-Lips used her slinky charms. He tells Kyle "you married a tramp, bro." Bro? Is this Melrose, or have we done the skippety-do-dah back to 90210 for some Steve-and-Brandon banter? Punching Ryan in the face Kyle mutters, "I don't have a brother anymore - we're through" and storms out of Flashback Land and back into the real world where he tells Amanda it's all "ancient history" now. Amanda tells him, "You made it sound like it was just yesterday" which is ironic since that's probably when that scene actually took place.

At Burns-Mancini-no-more-Cooper, Michael is in Peter's face telling him that Amanda has discovered the Mel-rosetta stone and it is chock full of new and exciting plot lines that will hopefully pick this show up off its sorry butt. They both panic about what may be in there about them.

Lexi arrives at AWA to meet with Amanda. Lexi asks what the big emergency is and Amanda replies that it's time to "clear up the bad blood" between the two of them and that she would like them to be allies. Lexi accuses Amanda of stealing her boyfriend when she already had a husband of her own. Amanda, in an attempt to reconcile, says the most insulting thing I have heard in a long time by saying that Peter left Lexi without Amanda even giving him a shred of hope for reconciliation. Gosh, I'm sure that that makes everything just peachy-keen in Amanda's little world, but Lexi's not buying it. Amanda tells her that Lexi is the right woman for Peter and that Peter has just been fooling himself. Amanda for the millionth time in this episode proclaims her everlasting love for Kyle. Methinks the lady protesteth a bit much, eh? Lexi replies that she is not interested and she has a lot of suitors. "I better watch myself when I'm around you. I wouldn't want to get caught in the stampede of eligible bachelors," Amanda snipes. She finishes by telling Lexi she's a bitter woman incapable of love. Lexi retorts, "I know you are but what am I?", turns on her heel and leaves.

Lexi bumps into Michael as she struts out of Amanda's office. "Why don't you get out of my way, moron!" she snaps to which the kinder and gentler Michael of this season's wussbag fashion retorts, "That's DOCTOR Moron to you!" He tries to stop Amanda from leaving for lunch by whining about the journal. He follows her into the elevator just as Peter shows up. Peter tries unsuccessfully to follow them into the elevator and ends up taking the stairs. After Michael begs and blithers, Amanda tells him that Matt wrote about when Michael and Matt worked together at a strip club in Chicago. We flash back to Michael stripping as "The Lone Ranger". I can't even begin to describe how terribly pathetic this scene is and how non-talented a dancer Michael is. Michael says it was humiliating and I must agree. He begs her not to tell anyone that he was "a male stripper dancing to Addicted to Love," just as they are getting out of the elevator in the parking garage and just in time for Peter to overhear him. When Peter insists that he must know what the journal says about him, Amanda tells him that there is nothing in there about Peter. Peter walks away singing "Addicted to Love" as Michael slumps against the wall. Oh, the humanity!

Michael goes to the Upstairs where it appears Kyle has taken Lexi's advice and changed the music format to include the Def Leppard-like music that's currently playing. Seeing Megan he asks if she's seen Jane, which she hasn't but asks if she can talk with Michael privately. He agrees so she takes him to the office and pours them stiff (wishful thinking on her part) drinks. She says she's gone through a lot with the whole "Coop business" and that she hasn't treated Michael fairly due to "old grudges and pride". Because of Matt's death she has realized how important lasting relationships really are. "I need you," she coos and tells Michael that Jane is just a "substitute" for Megan. She tries to kiss him but he rejects her and informs her he's engaged to Jane - his "first love" and his "one love". They each apologize and Megan walks out.

Peter goes to the laundry room and sticks his head Scooby Doo style around the corner. Amanda and Kyle are hanging out, folding some stuff, and chatting about the Mel-rosetta stone. And considering that the laundry room seems to be a great place for action and bizarrity in the Melrose scheme of things, I have to say that this scene made me quiver to my very bones with anticipation. Kyle mentions that he read a section about Amanda telling Matt about her feelings about Peter and that there is something "dark in him that binds him to her the way no other man ever has or ever will." Ah, so that's it. Try to kill a woman a few times, go psycho over your dead wife and force her sister to impersonate the dead wife, and she'll be yours forever. Just think how much she'll love him after she finds out about the kidnapping scheme! They'll be inseparable! Amanda denies that she tore out the missing page. Peter slips away from the door and merrily skips off to cause more mischief.

It's morning at the beach house and Michael is in the bedroom getting ready for work when the stereo suddenly starts blaring "Addicted To Love". Rushing out to the living room, he's disappointed to see Jane isn't dressed in a see-through, black, spandex dress with inflatable red lips. Instead, she's dancing around in an equally ridiculous cowgirl outfit complete with a scarf and cowboy hat. Jane explains the obvious - that Amanda "I Won't Tell Anybody Anything" Woodward Parezi Burns McBride Blake McBride blabbed about Michael's previous occupation. Michael starts to deny it at first but when Jane reminds him how they're going to be this super-cool honest couple he blurts out the truth about how he used to be a stripper at "The Stud Factory". I think I've been there once - I recommend the margaritas. Wrapping the scarf around Michael's neck, Jane tells him to give her a private performance or she'll tell the entire hospital his big, dark secret. Reluctantly, he agrees and from the looks of his awkward, seizure-like dancing, it's a good thing he found another line of work.

Amanda goes to Peter's apartment and admits she lied about his not being mentioned in the journal. Handing it to him, she tells him to read the page she marked so he does and it's Flashback Time again as he remembers yet another scene that actually never really happened on this show. It's approximately 2 years ago, Peter just lost his license and has been spending a lot of time in jail. He's at Mr. Beck's house where a guy is telling him how the judge is going to spring Peter because he owes Beck a favor. Still, somehow that isn't enough and Peter is expected to do emergency heart surgery on Mr. Beck right there in his house in exchange for his freedom and isn't this all a bit ridiculous considering the fact it was Kimberly's testimony that got the Bobby Parezi murder charges dropped and not some bogus surgery he did with duct tape and kitchen utensils?! Returning to present time, Amanda tells Peter she knows how much trouble he'd get in for performing surgery without a license but seeing as how his patient is the same guy who helped orchestrate Amanda's kidnapping, somehow I don't see that as much of a threat. Still, Amanda promises to keep quiet about it. What about Kyle? Didn't he also read the entire journal as well? Peter tries flipping through the pages to get some dirt on Amanda but she snatches it away telling him she's not mentioned as she quickly exits his apartment.

Suddenly it's nighttime as Jane and Michael sit on the beach in front of a fire having drinks and being romantic. Jane admits she's getting a little antsy for another black & white flashback since it's already been 52 seconds since the last one and begins to confess *her* secret hidden away in Matt's journal. The screen turns to gray as she recalls an encounter she had with her old college bud, Alex Bastian. It's the night before her wedding which Alex considers the PERFECT time to confess he's been in love with her since her Secret deodorant commercial. He kisses her, she reciprocates and they end up sleeping together. Hearing this, Saint Michael is enraged and hisses that Jane is to sleep on the couch as he angrily storms back into the house. I only hope they had the thing cleaned since Taylor gave birth on it just last week.

The following morning Michael is out on the patio reading his horoscope in the morning paper when Jane comes out to discuss the previous evening's events. Michael tells her he doesn't trust her, he will continue not trusting her, and is changing his opinion of any and all previous moments when he trusted her. Jane reminds Mr. Morality how he slept with her sister and every other female character on the show, not to mention the fact it was his own infidelity that ended their marriage to begin with. Michael turns it all back on Jane by telling her how "hurt" he is and leaves for work.

Now appearing at the Upstairs is SEAN LENNON who, even though he's the first musical guest I've actually heard of prior to the show, doesn't warrant getting his picture displayed in the outside marquee. In fact, all he gets is a xeroxed piece of paper with his name and "Limited Engagement" typed on it. Must be those budget cuts since paying Amanda's ransom. Inside, Sean and his band are setting up while Peter rushes over to Amanda and Kyle to inquire if he left his credit card there the previous evening. He did, they return it, and the conversation again quickly turns to that stupid journal. Peter's curiousity is piqued at hearing about the missing page so Amanda squelches his excitement by snapping how she loves Kyle and she and Peter are just acquaintances and with this kind of mood/personality disorder who would want to be around her anyway? Peter leaves and Kyle thanks Amanda for setting Peter straight. They embrace which is Sean's cue to show the world which parent's musical talent he inherited as he starts singing through his nose and let me say I'd rather endure a root canal without anesthesia before sitting through another one of his performances. However, his nasal crooning doesn't seem to bother Amanda or Kyle who are now dancing along with him.

Over at Wilshire Memorial - "Over 10 million served yet only 10 cured" - a woman is frantically telling the psychiatrist about a recurrent dream she's having involving her husband, a blow dryer and her hair catching on fire when Peter bursts in to tell her, "Your time is up - it's my turn." Grabbing her by the arm he quickly escorts her out the door and closes the door behind her so he can tell the doctor his latest "Countdown To Amanda" update. He excitedly relays the whole "Amanda ripped my heart out in front of Kyle" story and explains that she's hiding something because now he's convinced the missing journal page is about her "true" feelings for Peter. The doctor calmly writes out a prescription for Peter but Peter already has a "solution" of his own. Handing the prescription back to the doctor he does this weird finger snap dance as he skips out the door.

Back to the Upstairs where Sean has gone all out for his big performance, wearing a brown, flannel shirt and his two-tone hairstyle which he's been careful enough not to disturb with shampoo or even a brush. As the band plays, Michael runs in to Kyle to ask why he was summoned there. Kyle hands Michael a letter from Megan who took a sudden leave of absence and left town. Reading the letter, Michael decides it sounds too much like a suicide note since his close call with Taylor "choking down carbon monoxide" now makes him an expert on these things. Kyle mentions Megan said she was going home which Michael remembers as being a trailer park in Napa Valley and since there's obviously only one trailer park in all of Napa Valley Michael is going to run after her and bring her right back. He leaves, Kyle turns and sees his brother Ryan who promptly punches Kyle in the face. "Now we're even," Ryan says and then invites Kyle to punch him back. I'd hate to be their mother. If this is how they behave as adults, God only knows what kind of terrors they were as children. Kyle turns down his offer and instead the two brothers hug. Despite the fact that both Jennifer and Megan are gone and Kyle has no money, he gets a bartender to "look after the place" so he can take Ryan home to meet Amanda.

And speaking of Amanda, she's just arriving home to discover the front door to her apartment ajar. So what does she do? Yup - she walks IN to the apartment because calling the police would be pointless, right? Pulling open a kitchen drawer she retrieves her trusty, ol' handgun and re-lives her "TJ Hooker" cop days as she inches along the wall toward the bedroom. Outside in the courtyard, Kyle and Ryan are approaching the stairs when a gunshot goes off. Running in to the apartment Kyle takes the smoking gun from Amanda and aims it at the person she just shot who is now lying motionless on the bedroom floor. Kyle rolls the body over and everyone gasps as they realize it's Peter who is now sporting a beautiful gunshot wound to the chest.

--written by zinc and Stacie, edited by Stacie

Peter is rushed away in an ambulance while Amanda is detained for questioning; Michael tells Jane he's leaving town to go help Megan; Ryan questions Amanda's intentions toward Kyle by allowing Peter to live in the complex; Amanda has a surprise named Alex Bastian waiting in the conference room for Jane; Peter tells the psychiatrist he has to "tell her something" and then flatlines on the gurney.