At the hospital, all the actors who auditioned for "ER" but didn't make the cut are swarming around Peter when Michael bursts in and starts barking orders. He leaves to go scrub, the sea of people parts and there in the corner is Peter's shrink who scurries over to Peter. "I have to tell somebody," blathers Peter who then confesses his co-orchestration of Amanda's kidnapping. Michael returns and asks Dr. Whatshisface if Peter said anything, but the shrink replies he was just talking "jibberish". What else is new? Alarms start sounding, a nurse shrieks something about Peter's blood pressure falling, and Peter is rushed in to surgery. This is not a drill, boys and girls!

The following morning, Peter's naked (to the waist), bandaged body festers in his hospital bed. He starts regaining consciousness and, as he does, Amanda slowly comes in to focus. Thinking this must be another one of his Amanda/Summer's Eve hallucination/dreams he makes the comment she must be an "angel" because he's under the misguided impression that, when he dies, he's going to Heaven. Hallucination, indeed. Amanda instantly apologizes for shooting Peter which is news to him as he had no idea it was she who pulled the trigger. Still, he's not angry and even makes jokes about it. He'd better be cool, if he wants any hope of gettin' back in them pants of hers. Amanda seizes the opportunity to ask what the hell he was doing in her apartment to begin with. He explains, or for the well-trained, prevaricates, that he came up to apologize for "being a nuisance" and noticed the apartment door was unlocked and the lights were out when he heard a noise from inside. Thinking the dangerous, gun-toting kidnappers had returned, Peter entered the apartment - unarmed - which makes this story all the more unbelievable. However, Amanda buys it and she laments, "You were protecting me and I shot you." Not to worry - Peter "understands" and thanks her for being there. Amanda tells him she'll be back later and goes out into the hallway where she's greeted by Kyle and Ryan. She regurgitates Peter's story about someone breaking into their apartment, after which Kyle divulges that the journal was on the floor where Peter fell. Amanda insists that's where she left it because the journal was only important enough to be carefully guarded *last* week - this week it's just another prop to be carelessly thrown on the floor. She tells Kyle she's going to stay at the hospital for awhile so Ryan suggests his big brother "show him around town". Kyle reluctantly agrees.

Elsewhere in the hospital, Jane tracks down Michael and inquires about Peter. She jokes about how relieved she is that he was out all night because of Peter and not because of the "Alex Bastian one-night hump stuff" which only agitates Michael. "We need some space," he tells her and then explains he's going out of town for a few days to help a friend. Knowing of course that Michael has no friends, Jane asks whom he's going to help. He tells her it's Megan and explains about her suicidal-sounding note in which she said something about "going back to her roots". Michael takes this to mean she's going to a trailer park to "do herself in" when, actually, it might just mean either she's returning to being a brunette OR reprising her role as Dixie in "Briscoe County - the Reunion".

And, speaking of trailer parks, there are none to be found as Megan gets out of a taxi in front of a huge mansion. Sorry, James Carville... And, despite the fact her life is falling apart, she still managed to make time to get her hair cut. She walks up the front steps and approaches a catatonic man in a wheelchair who appears to be her father. Suddenly, Shirley Jones appears and informs Megan he had a stroke a few years back. The two women hug as Megan's mother yammers on about how many years it's been since she's seen Megan and how "grown up" she's become and how she's prayed for Megan's safety and how absolutely grateful she is to Aaron Spelling for finding both of them work.

Kyle and Ryan are in the Upstairs office when Kyle hands over the business ledgers and explains about spending all his money on Amanda's ransom. Slowly we discover Ryan's past on Wall Street, although he hasn't been there in 6 months since he quit. "I'm thinking about relocating to LA," he says because Kyle is his only real family and suddenly family actually matters to him. Perhaps also because the cast has thinned to the size of a bobsled team. Kyle mentions his *furnished* apartment (he's obviously been reading our synopses) and suggests Ryan rent it. Turning his attention to the answering machine, Kyle notices he has a message waiting so he plays it and discovers, much to his chagrin, that Amanda is staying at the hospital. Ryan, again noting the obvious, comments about Kyle's dislike for Peter. Woohoo - 2 points for you, ClueBoy!

Back on the farm, Megan and her mother are walking and talking about life and love and for a minute I thought this really *was* a Summer's Eve commercial. Megan is curious as to why her mother hasn't asked where she's been so Shirley informs her, "You were a prostitute - maybe you still are." Such an honest, loving mother. She goes on to explain how she and Zombie Dad hired an investigator who told them about Megan's career choice. "It was shocking, to say the least, but you've obviously given up that world," says the self-contadicting ex-Partridge even though she just got done telling her daughter that she's probably still a hooker!?! She initiates the old guilt trip by informing Megan how her father had his stroke exactly one hour after receiving the investigator's news. "You musn't blame yourself," she tells a horrified Megan, "You're home and you're safe." Uh, yeah....

Amanda is still at the hospital when she runs into "Miss Congeniality 1998". Lexi snipes about Amanda's guilt, how she should be "locked up" and asks if it's "love or guilt" that's causing her 24-hour Peter vigil. "Peter's your trophy, isn't he?" she asks, insisting Amanda needs to have every man in the world be in love with her and have twisted fantasies about her involving feminine hygiene products. Lexi, who appears to have confused being bitchy with being Peyton from "Savannah", lets her accent get more and more southern until you almost can't understand what she's saying and suddenly have a hankering for fried pork rinds. Amanda gives Lexi Peter's room number and walks off.

Inside his hospital room, Peter is telling his shrink to "keep his mouth shut" about his Amanda confession just in time for Lexi to overhear. What a unique plot device... She enters the room with her oversized bouquet and introduces herself to the psychiatrist who informs her they've FINALLY decided to give his character a name: Louis Visconti. Hey, I played ball with him!! Lexi, rapidly becoming the new "Jo" of the show, starts in again with her snippy comments about the doctor's relationship with Peter. Dr. Visconti leaves and Peter suggests Lexi do the same which she does only after a few more snide snippets about Amanda. Out in the hallway Lexi eyes Dr. V down the hall as the evil gears in her mind begin to work that piece-of-ass transmission.

Michael is parked in front of Hooker/PI/Invalid Mansion with map in hand when Shirley Jones approaches him and asks if she can help him. He explains that he's looking for a trailer park with the Lewis family and isn't it just a bit unbelievable that Megan would lie about the trailer park yet give out the correct address of her parents' house? "You've got the right family, but we've never been in a trailer," Mrs. Lewis replies just as Megan comes trotting up on horseback. She's surprised to see Michael and asks what he's doing there so he explains about her letter and how desperate she sounded "although it appears I'm off-base". "You're also trespassing," Mrs. Lewis quips and then asks Megan who Michael is. Megan tells her Michael is her "ex-husband... from LA... and he's a doctor". The doctor part seems to impress the Ice Queen, as it'd impress all you broads, so she shakes Michael's hand and invites him to lunch.

Ryan is looking for Amanda so, naturally, he goes to the hospital and - tada! - there she is. He tells her he wants to rent Kyle's old apartment and since she wears the pants in her family he has to get her permission. I guess after letting a drugged-up Matt run the place a couple years back she doesn't trust anyone with the keys anymore. Ryan mentions how he feels like he "walked into a wasp's nest" and explains how awkward it must be having Amanda's ex-husband living in the building. Amanda snaps at him to mind his own business "or there will be no Happy Family" although I don't remember anyone mentioning Chinese food...

Lexi, dressed in a slinky black dress, decides to pay Dr. Visconti a little visit by opening his office door ever so slightly and sticking her leg in. She's obviously been getting seduction pointers from Monica Lewinsky. Entering the office, Lexi coyly tells the doctor how she needs help and, since he helped Peter so much and is apparently the only psychiatrist in all of LA, she thought he could help her as well. She goes on to explain how she's still in love with Peter and worries that Amanda is "the only one for him". "What does she have that I don't?" Lexi whines. That's easy: A) a bigger contract, B) the ability to ACT, C) leopard-print sheets. Dr. V suggests she make an appointment. Lexi isn't comfortable seeing him in "Peter's hospital" and suggests they meet at the marina for dinner the following night. Before the doctor can object Lexi skips out the door. "Yeah, but...."

Over at Kyle's restaurant, Jane and Amanda are having dinner and girl talk and since when did these two get to be such great friends? Then again, Jane's only other remaining options are Michael's ex-wife #4 and a basket-case with mood hair, so I can see why she'd choose Amanda to confide in. Jane tells her all about the Alex Bastian situation and how Michael went after Megan and how ridiculous it is that she agreed to come back only to be stuck in a storyline as lame as this. Amanda tells her Alex is "huge" - is there anyone in all of California this woman hasn't slept with? Actually, she's referring to his fashion designing career and explains how she's been trying to get him to sign with her for the past 2 years with no luck. However, if Jane can get him to sign with the agency, Amanda will give her 25% of the gross amount received from his account. Dollar signs flash in front of Jane's eyes as she agrees to do what she can.

Now it's Michael's turn to walk around with Mrs. Partridge and talk about life and love. He notes how "quiet and civilized" it is there and tells her about the "crazy Italian family" he had growing up. "Is that why you and Megan broke up? The class difference?" Mrs. Lewis asks which is really kind of ironic when you consider Michael was a doctor and Megan was a hired hooker when they first met. Michael admits it had nothing to do with class - or lack thereof - and everything to do with his own dishonesty. Mrs. Lewis says she wants Megan to stay because it's "everyone's second chance" and asks if Michael will help her. "Since Billy left the show my character has been reduced to a cream-puff so all I want is what's best for Megan," he replies. Hearing this, Megan's mother says she can see what attracted Megan to Michael: "You come from the other side of the tracks. That always was Megan's type." With that, she goes off to phone David Cassidy and see if he's up for a Partridge Family reunion.

Kyle is sulking at home when Amanda finally arrives. When he mentions the fact she left the club over an hour ago, she tells him she took takeout to Peter because, after all, they don't feed patients at Wilshire Memorial, not even if they're the Chief Of Staff. Kyle admits he's troubled by something Ryan said to him earlier - that their marriage is in "constant turmoil". He's been in town all of 1 day and suddenly he's an expert on his brother's love life? Amanda replies, "That makes life interesting!" and let me just say right here that this kind of attitude is what keeps real psychotherapists in business. She complains that Ryan "has a lot to say" and tells Kyle of her run-in with his brother earlier that day at the hospital. Quickly changing her tune, Amanda softens and says, "You two just reconciled - forget I said anything," and heads in to the shower. Kyle, obviously annoyed, goes over to Ryan's apartment and promptly reprimands him for butting in. Ryan explains that he cares about his "big brother" but Kyle insists it's more than that. An argument ensues and Ryan angrily tells Kyle how it's all about "pleasing Dad" and how their father, also a Marine, was so proud of Kyle for Desert Storm and so disappointed in Ryan for going to college. What difference does it make - both roads led to Melrose didn't they? Kyle refuses to get into this with Ryan and leaves but not before Ryan tells him he's leaving LA tomorrow. Kyle walks out and leans against the railing as Amanda watches from her window.

Jane, clad in a tight spaghetti strap black top with matching tight black capri pants trespasses right on into a private residence belonging to Malibu Alex. She recognizes him from behind immediately, and says 'hi'. She tells him that she is Jane, and thank God she does because she has changed SO much since the "flashback" they filmed for last week's episode. He asks how she found him there, and she says that his office said he'd be there. Wow... I had no idea that you could call up the office of a big big BIG wig in the fashion industry like Alex Bastian and someone will just spew out his address. Good to know; I think I'll just have to give Calvin Klein's office a buzz so I can drop by sometime. I'm sure there won't be any security or anything, since nothing bad ever happens to famous designers like, for instance, GIANNI VERSACE? Whatever. So Alex turns around to see Jane and gives her the big ol' snubberoo. Slipping into opportunist mode, Jane chirps happily that she works for the famous AWA, and "we have a lot of really good ideas for you." Malibu Alex replies that he has "a whole division" of people to do his advertising, and asks her to take her "Laura Petrie" butt on out of there. Jane leaves, disappointed. Of course, Alex runs after her and apologizes. He says that this kind of thing "happens to me a lot. People from my past... showing up... trying to sell me things..." We know - Michael tries it about four times per show. So why IS he apologizing since that is EXACTLY what Jane is doing there, hmmm?? In a disturbingly Coop-esque unemotional speech, he tells her that when he turned around and saw her there, it "damn near took [his] breath away." They reminisce about their past. Jane says she thinks it was a mistake - that they never should have "crossed the line", referring to the infrared one painted on her upper thighs. Okay, so if this guy is still so hung up on Jane after all these years, first of all... can we say obsessed loser? Second of all, why doesn't he check to see if she has a wedding band on and, third of all, nice Miami Vice look, Mr. Big Time Fashion Designer. He tells her that if he ever needs a marketing agency, he'll give her a call. Gosh, kids, do you think he will? He kisses her cheek and she walks away looking rather moved by the whole thing (not unlike my rumbling innards at this point), and he poses jauntily against his purple rich-guy-car as she gets into her oh-so-fun-and-retro yellow VW Beetle.

Mrs. Partridge walks down the stairs with Tom, her husband's doctor. He tells her to make sure to keep up with the medication blah blah blah. Shirley introduces him to their "houseguest", Michael Mancini, who is "also a doctor." Michael makes a pathetic attempt at humor, telling Tom that "housecalls are forbidden on [his] beat," and offers to walk him to his car. Do you think that Michael may have ulterior motives? Paper thin plot much? Shirl asks Megan "Is the coffee nearly ready?" which make me wonder where the servants are, let alone Rueben, Keith, Danny, Laurie and those other two kids who never added much to the storyline. Shirley looks nervously at the two men as they go outside. Michael tries to pump Tom for info, and he, the only realistic doctor I can remember seeing on this show, refuses to break patient confidentiality and tells Michael to take his nosy nosiness elsewhere, thank you very much. Michael looks determined; Shirley looks distressed.

Back at 4616, Ryan gives Amanda Kyle's books, which he has cooked enough to give them "another six months." "Just stick to my business model - everything should work out fine," he tells her and hands her the keys to Kyle's old apartment. He tells her he's leaving and going back to New York which is pretty stupid when you consider they just added him to the opening credits last week. Amanda, feeling guilty and responsible for Ryan's sudden departure invites him upstairs for a nice bottle of wine so she can "talk him into staying". If that doesn't work, she can always give him a rumble in the jungle in those ghastly sheets she never changes.

Now I have to admit that I didn't even really pay that much attention to this next scene's dialog at first, since I was too busy gawking at the hideous tourniquet of a dress that Mood Hair Woman Lexi is squeezed into. It's two sizes too small, has straps all over the place, and made of some really bizarre stretchy lacy binding material that is so non-flattering that we never even see her from the waist down. Gads!! So she's walking out of a restaurant with Dr. Pinhead, cuz we all know how bad psychiatrists are at reading people. She tells him that she feels so liberated and flatters him, and he just can't see through her tangled web of deception, not one bit. Lexi guesses correctly that he is divorced, and he admits it was a "bitter heartbreaking divorce" and it took him a gazillion wasted years to get over it. Lexi comforts him that the years weren't wasted since it's made him better able to help someone like her. Egocentricity much? She kisses him and tries to get him back to her place but he refuses. He hands her the card of a woman shrink (and we all know that all doctors carry their friends' business cards on them on dates, just in case) and shuffles off to take a cold shower.

Lust Queen Amanda and her newest addition to the jungle pack, Ryan, are yukking it up over glasses of fine wine as Kyle walks into the apartment. Amanda, wearing her black dress with spaghetti straps and black bra straps showing gets up to kiss him hello. Kyle flatly says, "It looks like you guys have patched things up. That's good." Since it's tradition that D&D/AWA always miraculously has a job available at the same time that a Melrose folk is unemployed (see Alison, Jo, Billy, Jane, Sam), Amanda has offered Ryan a job. Right about now is when I realized that Ryan has the same puffy-wet-baby lips that used to make my intestines twitch on that Jamie Walters ('member, Ray on 90210?) doof. I guess with Taylor gone we need some new icky lip action. Ryan tells Kyle that he will take the job if it's okay with Kyle. Of course Kyle agrees that it's a great idea, and Amanda toasts to their being "all one big happy family - cheers!" Yeah, whatever. How long do families stay big and happy at MP?

It appears Susan Dey wasn't available for the Partridge Family reunion so Megan will be taking her place on the piano. As her mother sits nearby in a stiff and uncomfortable looking chair with her fingertips pressed together in concentration and/or prayer, Megan plays some recital piece that she must have learned when she was six. Mommy Dearest tells her, "Focus! Now go back! Over and over again until you get it right! NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!!!" Michael arrives and coyly mentions he spent the day at the local hospital. He informs them he looked up Mr. Lewis' medical records while he was there because, in addition to the hospital being "a very nice facility for such a small town" they also have lax security and anyone with a tie can waltz right in and perform open-heart surgery, read confidential records - whatever. Michael shares his discovery with Megan - that her father's stroke was caused by an aneurysm and had nothing to do with her poor choice in careers. "Mother, is any of this true?" weeps Megan but her mother insists it makes no difference because, "You are home and you are staying!" However, she finally confesses that her father knew about her prostitution for months before his stroke. Shirley explains that she lied because she felt so guilty about "letting her daughter run away and hate herself and fall so low". So, to make up for it, she made Megan believe that she caused her father's debilitating stroke. Yes, deception and guilt trips are always the best way to make up for past mistakes. "I prayed that you would come home some day so that I could have another chance," she tells Megan who, in a burst of compassion (she's always compassionate to those who don't deserve it) hugs her mother and all is forgiven.

The following morning, Michael is carrying Megan's bags out past Captain Pike Dad who is still sitting in his wheelchair on the porch where Megan left him 3 days ago. Megan and Shirley emerge from the house, hugging and getting all misty-eyed. Megan tells her mom she can always come visit whenever those Partridge Family syndication checks just don't cover the bills. She then kneels next to her father and, taking his hand, tells him she'll be thinking about him every day. Right - that's why she's mentioned him so often in the past! And, to our surprise, Megan's father pats her hand, showing that he is coming around because his "Hooker With The Heart Of Gold" daughter has come by! Megan gets in the car and she and Michael drive away.

Fashion Mistress Jane in her charcoal-gray, poorly-fitting, sacklike, 3/4 length, sleeved blouse and Amanda in a snappy black tailored short-sleeved blouse are walking through the hallowed halls of AWA. Jane apologizes to Amanda that she was unable to land the account with Malibu Alex. "Do you like surprises, Jane?" Amanda asks and I know I do, but since we saw this friggin scene in the previews all week, it wasn't much of a surprise for us, now, was it!? Whatever. Anyway, so Alex is in the conference room, saluting stupidly at Jane. She goes to greet him. He tells her that he "was going to call, but an apology this important really needs to be done in person." And all I have to say is that the men on Melrose are such simpering fools, and I have never heard anyone apologize more than the men on this show. Have they been watching Oprah's new season of self-improvement and joined up in that "Men Apologizing to Women They Don't Even Know for All the Sins Committed Against Them by Men" mumbo jumbo? Alex does the smooth "I just want to work with you on this project, even though you have no background in advertising" fandango, and Jane falls for it. Hmmm... don't we see a trend here? Steve McMillan insisting that Alison be the only one to work on his account much to the chagrin of Billy? Jeff Baylor insisting that Sam be in charge of his account, much to the chagrin of Billy? Plot recycling much? Alex asks Jane to come to his place to talk business. "7:00 work for you?" Alex asks and Jane agrees. The Queen of the Jungle snakes her way back into the conference room after Malibu Alex leaves and asks Jane why she chose Michael over "that piece of perfection". She goes on to explain, "I had a sophisticated intercom system installed. The walls have ears and they're mine."

Back at Wilshire Memorial, Amanda's servant Kyle has gone to pick up Peter. Peter is packing a bag and has his arm in a sling. Kyle is very suspicious of why Peter was in the apartment, especially with the journal near him on the floor. He questions why Peter would go back into the bedroom if he heard a noise in the apartment, and I for one think that's a pretty inane question. If you hear a prowler and are brave/dumb enough to enter the apartment, of COURSE you'd check all the rooms! But I guess that this, like most logic, escapes Kyle's pea brain. Kyle gets right up in Peter's face when he questions him, nose to nose, and he for some reason can't keep his eyes off Peter's nose and mouth. Missing Taylor already, boy??? When Peter's head moves, Kyle's moves with it in a monkey-see monkey-do manner. Gosh, he's tough. As they leave the room, they bump into Mood Hair Woman. Thus begins the most disturbing conversation in this entire episode. Lexi accuses them both of being "girlie whipped" by Amanda. When Peter tells her to shut up, she tells him "you watch your mouth!". Then she gets a bizarre, demonic look on her face and tells him, "Soon enough you'll be crawling back to me, begging for forgiveness and like the..." [long pause while she checks the cue card for her line] "...Roman Emperors, it'll be my thumb that has all the power." Doing her best Siskel & Ebert impersonation, she says, "Thumbs up? Or thumbs down?" and repeats it as she saunters down the hall much like Homer Simpson saying, "Bed goes up. Bed goes down." I guess with Kimberly gone we need another resident psycho and Lexi is quickly becoming a likely candidate.

Lexi slinks her way into the office of the helpless Dr. Pinhead. In an utterly unbelievable scene, she predictably gets him all hot and bothered, tells him that she is over Peter because he confessed the same thing to her that he confessed to the shrink. Proving that he is a great judge of people, he believes Lexi that Peter would give her such juicy ammo and spills his guts. Now let me get this straight... if a friend of mine told me a HUGE secret and told me not to tell anyone, and then another friend says "I can't believe what Chris just confessed to me," I doubt I would say "yeah, can you believe that he got it on with five French maids and a circus midget?" But I guess that people love to restate things, just like Michael restating his stupid "Lone Ranger" crapola to Amanda just in time for Peter to hear it last week. At least the writers are consistent. So, to his amazement, Mood Hair Woman dismounts Dr. Pinhead and skips off merrily with her new weapon in her War Against Peter.

Michael and Megan are driving along in his sporty convertible and he calls Jane on his cell phone. He blathers on about second chances and how people shouldn't be held responsible forever for their mistakes and is all Mr. Understanding Guy, which is an interesting change for him since he is usually sniveling the same things to some woman after she finds him in the shower with someone else, but whatever. Megan keeps looking over at Michael with a pathetic "my hero" look on her face that makes me reach yet once again for my Tums. Jane doesn't tell him that she is in Malibu Alex's fancy schmancy place. When she gets off he phone, Alex tries to stir the proverbial coals a bit, telling her that she should have told Michael she was at his luxury makeout pad. He tells her that he has decided to "give it a try" with AWA, which could of course mean unemployment for an "entire division" of marketing people on his staff, but who cares if it gets you just that much closer to your ex-lover, eh? And let me just mention that this boy NEEDS to take some serious acting lessons, as he is beginning to remind me of almost every athlete or model I have ever seen who decides "Geeeeee. I bet I could be a famous ACTOR someday if I only took this Sally Struthers study-at-home acting lessons!" He insists that Jane must be in charge of the account, which is sort of like asking my dog to be in charge of balancing your checkbook, but okay... I'll suspend my disbelief a bit just for fun. They drink to "second chances, and how rarely you get the chance" which I suppose is MP's version of foreshadowing.

Kyle safely delivers Peter to his apartment but when he doesn't leave right away, Peter asks if there's "anything else" he needs to talk about. Kyle replies, "There's a lot more. I haven't figured it out but I will" and cruises off to his own apartment. Peter anxiously enters his apartment and his Freakout-O-Meter is shooting up past 11 as he runs like a moron straight into his bedroom. He opens the unlocked briefcase full of ransom money which he keeps safely stashed under his bed because getting a safety deposit box wouldn't make any sense especially considering his ex-wife/landlord's husband suspects him and has access to his apartment. He begins fingering the cash just as the phone rings. Peter answers it but no one speaks to him, even when he frantically tells the caller, "I know you're there - I can hear you breathing!" On the other end is Mood Hair Woman, becoming every bit the psycho, soaking in an enviable tub o' bubbles and drinking a glass of red wine. She hangs up the phone, satisfied with her attempts at "making Peter sweat" because, obviously, LA is the only city in the United States that *doesn't* have *69 Call Return Service or Caller ID. Lexi slides into the tub and smirks a lot.

--written by Stacie and zinc, edited by Anthony

Amanda and Peter are hugging in Kyle's office when Kyle walks in; Alex pays a visit to the beach house and gets punched in the face by Michael; Ryan gets the hots for Megan; Lexi blackmails and seduces Peter.