Back at 4616, Ryan steps out of his apartment in his boxers to get the paper and sees Megan strutting her ex-hooker stuff across the courtyard. Immediately smitten, he stands there like a mega-doof with his drooly lips hanging open. Meanwhile, Kyle is putting on some black gym shoes with his baseball cap on backwards and then again we cut to Ryan putting on a shirt as we see that Heather is still Executive Producer and then we cut to Kyle leaning over the HEY! WHAT'S THAT WE SEE? THE QUEEN OF THE JUNGLE RESTS PEACEFULLY ON RED-ON-RED STRIPED SHEETS? More proof that the writers are perusing this site. Anyway, Kyle kisses Amanda's shoulder, goes to the kitchen and piggishly drinks some OJ from the jar,and we see both men exit their apartments at PRESTO the same time! They shout across the courtyard to each other and begin tossing a basketball around and chasing each other like happy little squirrels. Amanda looks out her window to see them, since they obviously have no idea that if you live in an apartment complex it is common courtesy not to shout in the courtyard and play ball when most of the residents are still sleeping, but whatever. She goes to the book where she so carefully hid the missing page from Matt's Melrosetta Stone. We get that same B&W flashback of someone pushing someone off a building. Then we see the "bros" playing ball at the park. In the most mind-bogglingly stupid conversation of this episode, and that's saying something, Kyle blocks Wet-Baby-Lip-Boy a bit too aggressively, causing him to pout, "If you don't want me around, why don't you just say something!" and then tell Kyle that because the world revolves around Ryan, Kyle's grumpiness must have something to do with him. Kyle admits that he is unhappy about Amanda's relationship with Peter. He suspects that the missing page had something to do with Peter, and Amanda pulled it out to protect him. Nice trusting marriage, but hey, he IS right about her ripping out the page. When Ryan asks Kyle if he confronted Amanda about this, Kyle gets a maniacal look on his face, pulls off his baseball cap, runs his hand across his sweaty over-gelled hair, and says "Yeah, yeah I did, and she blew me off. She said that Matt tore it out." How that can be defined as blowing him off, I have no idea. Kyle confesses to his now best friend brother that he believes that Amanda will always love Peter. Yup, let's all take some advice from this, boys and girls. Is your relationship going well?Great! Try to kill your lover RIGHT NOW to make sure that s/he will ALWAYS love you! Things not going so well? Hell, try it anyway! Seems to work for Peter.

At the new Mood Hair Woman ad agency, the mood du jour is FOUL as we see Lexi chastising her new employee, saying something about Caesar building Rome in less time than it has taken her to land a client, which continues the whole Rome motif of last week's Roman emperor thumbs-up-thumbs-down thing. Is Lexi going to be the next Caligula? We can only hope. So Megan arrives and asks for a job, which unfortunately has been given to the one-line-wonder new woman. Showing her ruthless nature, Lexi goes to the new woman's office and proclaims "You're fired. And don't ask for a recommendation, because you don't know squat about advertising," which makes me wonder why Lexi thinks that she herself does and why she thinks that hiring the ex-hooker-receptionist-Eric Baines prodigy-cocktail waitress is such a better choice, and echoing my thoughts, Megan brings up the fact that she doesn't "know squat about advertising, either." Lexi comforts her, telling her that she's so smart and multi-faceted that she can easily do it. Displaying a terrifying lack of human compassion that will make her so perfect for this business, Megan beams gratefully at Lexi for being so good to her as the newly unemployed ad woman disappears out the door. Lexi informs Megan that she is going to have her own "big bad advertising agency with [her] name on the door, just like you-know-who."

Just in case any of us forgot who you-know-who is, we arrive at AWA to see Amanda looking at a slide. Jane barges into Amanda's office (she's getting really good about just pushing herself on people, isn't she?) and tells Amanda that she has some bad news, to which Amanda replies "And I have an assistant. Her name is Julie; she announces the visitors." Jane tells Amanda that she may have lost the account because Michael punched Alex, which is SO stupid, because who is going to go to a new boss and say "Hey, I think I may have made a mistake" before checking to be sure? Could Jane have, maybe, called Alex up and tried to smooth things out first? Amanda tells her that Alex is "nursing a sore jaw, not a grudge," which makes me wonder why Alex is talking to the president of the company when such a reliable and experienced ad woman like Jane is on the job. So Jane is all smiles and jumps right into discussing her personal life saying that Michael is acting like a jealous fool. Amanda tells Jane to open her eyes and see that, sorry Jane, Michael is just a plain old fool. Yes, Amanda, but you slept with him too, remember? Right after he saved your life the first time? Selective amnesia much, Amanda? Amanda goes on to tell Jane that "for the record...if Alex had bailed, there would have been plenty of hard feelings." Just have to have the last snotty word, don't you, Amanda?

At Burns/Mancini/This Space for Rent, Michael barges into Peter's office and finds a morose Peter, wearing all black, sitting and watching his ringing phone. Stating the obvious, Michael says "That's your private line, there, Peter. Amanda didn't shoot you in the ear, did she?" The phone stops ringing and then starts again. This time Peter grabs it and announces that he's really starting to get ticked off. We see Lexi hang up the phone. Still unable to figure out how to punch *69, Peter slams down the phone in frustration. Michael blurts out "Remember that guy from Matt's journal? The creep that slept with Jane the night before we got married? Well, he showed up at the beach house this morning; I punched his lights out." He continues to tell Peter that he's "beginning to sweat the competition," and "how can I forget that she's been unfaithful? What if she succumbs again?" and I must say that this is high comedy coming from a man who cheated on Jane with Kimberly, cheated on Kimberly with Sydney, Megan and Loni Anderson's daughter, cheated on Megan with Taylor, and that's just for starters. Anyway, Michael decides to test Jane by depriving her of sex and seeing if she goes to Alex for some. It's nice to see that he and Jane are both ready for an honest relationship this time without lies and games.

At Upstairs, Megan enters Kyle's office (this sure is the episode for people to show up announced, eh?) to find Ryan, still goobering over her since this morning. She asks him where Kyle is. "Uhhh, he took the night off. Left me in charge," he mumbles like a pathetic schoolboy. He introduces himself as Kyle's "younger and better-looking brother," and Megan introduces herself, interestingly, as Megan Lewis and gives Ryan her resignation to bring on home to big bro Kyle. He gets all corny and says "if it were my club, I don't know if I would let you go, Megan." She retorts "if this was your club, I never would have worked here." When he bumbles out a dinner date offer, she replies "I don't eat dinner with younger brothers of ex-employers. In fact, I've been eating alone a lot lately and I prefer it that way. But it's a big city. I'm sure you'll find someone to eat with." And I want to know just where this attitude is coming from since last week she was all resolved about her personal life and friendly with Michael and seemed to have her faith in humanity restored and all that assorted sap. Whatever.

We then cut over to the Palace of Jungle Love, where Kyle is blowing out candles just as Amanda walks in the door saying "sorry I'm late. I got held up at the office, new client." "Well, at least it's not Peter for once. I got to get to the club." Kyle snipes. "I thought we had a date,"Amanda says, with a touch of hope in her voice. Kyle leaves in a huff, leaving Amanda shaking her head.

Over at Dr. Pinhead's bachelor pad, the TV is on with some cooking show guy telling him to get a medium bowl. In keeping with this week's "show up without advance notice" theme, Peter arrives with his Freak-Out-O-Meter creeping up toward the double digits. He tells the wise doctor that he thinks that the person who keeps doing the hang-ups knows about the kidnapping. The doctor suggests that Peter may be feeling guilty for staging the kidnapping and taking the money. Peter insists it's not guilt -- it's fear. Peter says that it could only be the kidnappers or the guy who set it up, because no one else knows. In a very smug "I know everything because I am the brilliant shrink who has many hot tourniquet-dress-clad women clamoring after me" tone, Dr. Pinhead says "No, you told someone else. You confessed to Lexi." Peter asks "When did she tell you this?" Pinhead informs Peter that Lexi was his patient until he realized that there was just too much chemistry between them and he had to terminate their sessions (which you would think he would keep to himself around Lexi's ex-lover, but we have already established that this guy has a mail-order medical degree). He then helps us out with a bland restating of last week's dialog and realizes that he spilled the proverbial beans. "Oh, God. She didn't tell me anything. I told her, Peter." Amazingly not upset with Pinhead, Peter stoically sighs, "We've been had, Doc. By the biggest bitch of em all." Hey, when was Leona Helmsley on the show?

Back at AWA, Amanda's assistant Julie, with her second speaking part of the show, gives Amanda a plane ticket for San Francisco, telling her that she has to go right away or she'll miss her flight. Amanda instructs her that no one is to know where she has gone, and if anything comes up, Jane can handle it. So Jane, who has been working in an ad agency for a week, is put in charge when the president is gone? That's smart business thinking, Amanda! Then again, seeing how Billy the dance instructor/cab driver/magazine editor became Amanda's "#1 Ad Man" overnight, it all makes sense. We are treated to yet another viewing of our new favorite flashback of someone getting pushed off a building, but this time from a slightly different angle. Ooohhh!

Back at Burns/Mancini/Help Wanted, Peter answers his phone and waits while no one says anything. Perhaps he is wondering why he never got Caller ID for his private line. Finally, Lexi picks the phone off from speaker and says hello. Peter says that she is the "last person" he expected to hear from. She pretends to be concerned about Amanda and asks him about his bullet wound, to which he replies "good as new" which is a great tribute to the magic of television. She tells him that she has been thinking a lot about him and wants him to meet her for drinks. He snubs her, telling her that he's checking his schedule and "how about next week?" After she insists that it's very important, they decide to meet (guess where) at 10 p.m. She tells him not to be late. Michael barges into Peter's office with a body language book. His mind-boggling plan is to take Alex and Jane out for dinner to "apologize" to Alex and then observe their body language all night to learn if they are doing the horizontal bop. He informs Peter that if someone "covers their mouth with their hand, or if someone leans back when they are talking to you, or if someone rubs the side of their nose, those are all signs of deception." Peter suggests "direct eye contact," since that obviously means "get out of my office," so Michael promptly leaves.

Later, Peter is at everyone's favorite place to go drink and listen to lame bands with lead singers who wear those oh-so-hip-these-days chunky black geek glasses with blue tinted lenses and what ever happened to all those jazz musicians that used to frequent Upstairs and for whom Kyle started the club in the first place?! Lexi, who's kept Peter waiting, shows up, slinks on over to him and sits down. She says she'd apologize for being late, "but it was intentional." Ooooh, such a catty one, she is! When Peter informs the Moody One that he knows she's the one who's been playing the telephone tango, she admits it and also lets him know that she knows all about the kidnapping scheme. Lexi purrs to Peter that she wants him, but she isn't sure if he would look better "behind bars or in her bed." That's a tough choice right there, but he asks anyway. She says that criminals don't have choices, and with that she leaves. Let the games begin!

Downstairs from the Upstairs, Ryan and Kyle are eating when Megan pops in to get her takeout. Doesn't anyone cook dinner at home anymore? Ryan starts in on Kyle with the first obvious question, "is she looking at me?". Kyle assures him that she's not, and complains that he feels like he's back in high school. Acting like the sniveling brat we have all come to loathe, Ryan whines, "Listen, I can't really ask her cuz she's like already rejected me, but you could ask her for me." This IS high school. To shut Ryan up, Kyle approaches Megan and congratulates her on her new job, and she apologizes for leaving work so soon. Okay, if Jennifer left with Billy, and Megan is leaving, who on earth is working there? Anyway, Kyle convinces Megan to eat with his little brother who's all alone, and does he think that Megan is so stupid she wouldn't notice that he was just at that table eating and the evidence/plate of food is still there where he had been sitting? Well, it seems to work, so she goes and joins Ryan. Maybe she'll eat Kyle's leftovers. Ryan immediately starts with his "first date" talk, and Megan seems less than impressed.

Cut to the Body Language Dinner at Not Kyle's Place. Michael asks Jane and Alex how the two of them met. Jane chirps away about Marshall Fields, being competitive and blah blah blah. Alex smoothly chats about how original Jane's ideas were, "just like Jane," and all of a sudden, we get a nice close up of Alex to catch him doing the unspeakable: scratching the side of his nose! Michael has to say something, so he intelligently asks, "is something wrong with your nose? I'm a doctor..." but Alex can tell that he's talking about Jane and sex, so Alex says, "why don't you stop dancing around the issue. I slept with Jane." After Michael proclaims himself to be "just as mature as the next guy," (I feel sorry for the woman who's married to the next guy), Alex replies "really, so why did you hit me?" Jane tries to change the subject, but Michael gets up and tells Alex it had nothing to do with the fact that he slept with Jane, it was a warning for him not to try to get into her Hanes Her Ways again. Michael proudly states that he's a hothead and a man of action and doesn't tend to over-think a situation, and MAN is that an understatement! He sulks off in a huff after kissing Jane on the cheek and suggesting that Alex get his nose checked out.

Back at the Megan/Ryan forced dinner date, Ego Boy continues to wallow in his own Ryanness, sniveling, "You're looking at me as if you wished I'd drop dead." Too bad Megan's not telekinetic. Megan apologizes, and he says that he knows it can't be him because women usually find him ever so succulent, and she calls him "arrogant. Nothing like Kyle." He asks her why she is "so down on men,"and she says it's because of guys like Ryan. Now what I want to know is what exactly does she know about Ryan's character at this point? Zip, zero, zilch. So why is she so nasty to him? Hmm. So they can have passionate sex at some later point just like the whole Taming of the Shrew/Moonlighting/Cheers plotline? You heard it here first, folks! She decides to have her entree to go and disses poor Ego Boy yet once again.

We get a beautiful shot of the pool that used to have Syd and Jane fighting in it and Brooke floating in it and the Poolboy who slept with Kimberly skimming it, as Amanda arrives home to find Kyle in the dark, holding a basketball and watching football. This guy really knows his sports! Kyle tells her that he had stopped by the office to take her to lunch and that Jane had told him that Amanda was in San Francisco. He asks how it went, and she, making a mental note to make Jane's life miserable from now on, replies "pretty much the way I'd hoped," which of course piques our curiosity. He gets up, beer in hand. "I'm not stupid, Amanda, and I'm not making this up. You're hiding something from me." He tells her that he learned from his fiasco marriage with the Bulbous Lipped One that secrets are bad, mmmkaaay? Amanda bristles at the comparison and tells him she was working. She snipes that she's surprised he hasn't asked about the journal page all day. He tells her that he's going to bed. "Am I invited?" she asks. "That's your call, he says. Amanda is left once again shaking her head, because isn't this her apartment?

The next morning at 4616, Amanda brings some paperwork to a half-naked Ryan telling him this is his chance to "prove himself". Given the fact he's wearing nothing but his boxers and Amanda *has* slept with every male character on the show, it seems obvious what's going to happen but, no, Amanda actually wants him to WORK. The nerve! She tells him about the floundering Skyler Soap company and, since Ryan was on Wall Street, he already knows all about their plummeting stock problems. Amanda informs him that they're looking for a new advertising agency and, since Ego Boy is the only one in the office with an MBA (no doubt he's also the only one in the company with a college degree, period) she's sending him to Arizona to land the account.

Cut to a shot of Megan on a deserted highway with a flat tire. First reaction of an L.A. woman to this situation: try the cell phone! Too bad it doesn't work, but you're in luck Megan, because here comes Ryan roaring down the road. They discover that both of them are going to Skylar from their respective companies. Ryan offers a hand with the flat tire, but she tells him to get lost. He starts up with his ever-so-impressive "date talk," and tells her that the desert is no place for a woman, and how he saw some snake show on The Discovery Channel. He then successfully freaks Megan out until she sputters out this wonder of a sentence: "Ok, look I don't see, yeah, yeah I think I could use some help". Lucky her, he used to be a gas jockey (gas jockey?). His powers as a gas jockey deduce that her spare tire is flat. Ryan then offers a ride to Arizona. She doesn't really want to ride with a gas jockey, but she'll accept it.

At the health spa, Michael finds Jane in the sauna. Jane asks why he's in a place of fitness, and he tells her that he wanted to be in shape for their wedding. He then begins to apologize for his actions during the Body Language Dinner but Jane says he was right about what he said and that she DOES like hotheads. He feels the need to ask if there's anything about Alex that turns her on, but she says there's nothing there. To change the subject once again, Michael tells her that he doesn't want to have sex until the wedding and especially not here since someone could come in and since when has a little voyeurism ever stopped Michael? Jane remedies the situation by locking the sauna door, dropping her towel at his feet and crawling on top of him. So much for a "white wedding".

At Skylar Soap, Megan and Ryan enter an empty building that looks like an old piece of scenery leftover from "Gunsmoke". Since no one is around, our fearless duo walks around until they come across an old man who appears to be the head honcho. They introduce themselves but Old Soap Man informs them he can't meet with anyone - even people from LA with scheduled appointments - because it's time for his lunch and his walk and his nap and his afternoon seance with Elvis. Insisting he really wants to "hear about their ideas", he suggests they come back the following day at 7 AM. Reluctanty, Megan and Ryan agree.

At Upstairs, Kyle is now onstage talking to his new, not-jazz, hearthrob band when Peter shows up and finds Amanda at the bar. "I need to talk to you and Kyle in private," he urges. Amanda informs him that Kyle is busy smoothing over some quarrel among the oh-so-NOT-professional musicians but she'll talk to him. As she escorts him into the office, the jealous Band Referree watches from his post. Inside the office, Peter whips out the briefcase o' cash and tells Amanda, "Here's your ransom money." She wants to know where he got it so he explains how his bestest buddy Beck owed him a favor for saving his life and since Beck is obviously revered and respected in the Thug Hall Of Fame he just "knew" who was responsible for the kidnapping and retrieved every single penny of the ransom money. Hugging Peter, Amanda sighs, "I don't want you or Kyle or anyone to sacrifice themselves for me again" and with an attitude like that she'll surely die in the next helicopter crash or tropical island poisoning storyline. Kyle interrupts this tender moment and Amanda excitedly brags about how Wonderful Peter got their money back. Kyle's suspicions are once again raised as he points out the fact that the cops "didn't figure out jack" yet Peter solved the case even though Dionne Warwick and her Psychic Friends Network went bankrupt. Still, he forces a smile and thanks Peter.

Back at the Bates Motel, Ryan just happens to find Megan's door open. I'm sure he'll just happen to find her in the shower, too. He slowly walks in, calling her name, and we expect to see her either half naked or dead. Turns out she's not there, so he decides to rifle through her papers. Of course, NOW she shows up, demanding to know what he was up to. She accuses him of stealing her ideas, but he was just around to drink beer and eat chips with her. Someone needs to beat this guy with a clue stick. He tells her he hates to be alone but she is unmoved and tells him to leave.

Inside Amanda's apartment, she asks Kyle not to bug Peter about the money. He wants to know why she's defending him. To create more of an argument, Amanda snipes about how surprised she is that he hasn't asked about the mysterious missing journal page all day. "At least we agree on one thing," Kyle says, "we both wish we hadn't read that damn journal." To ease the pain of living in LA, Kyle goes to get a beer. Amanda digs out the Melrosetta Stone and follows him into the kitchen. Reaching into the kitchen drawer for a lighter, she procedes to torch the journal in behavior reminiscent of Betsy setting fire to the "nasty, filthy sex" couch at the beach house. Kyle, nervous because the smoke detector is obviously not working, leaves the bonfire at which point Amanda gets the infamous MISSING PAGE and burns it in the sink along with the rest of the journal. As the paper burns, we see the all-important word "PRISON!" surrounded in flame.

Back on the "Gunsmoke" set which, now that I think of it, looks surprisingly a LOT like the bar in Texas where Nick worked, Megan and Ryan have been waiting over an hour for Old Soap Man. They notice a guy on the roof putting up a new sign who informs them there's been a change of ownership but nobody has the heart to "tell the old guy he's been canned". Megan huffs about this "waste of a trip" so Please-Date-Me-Boy offers to drive her home and even goes so far as to promise not to talk to her.

Inside the "Alex and Jane always eat here" restaurant, Jane can't stop thinking about Michael or why Alex's skin is so orange and his teeth are so white and scary. Mr. Wonderful says that Jane can call Michael on his cell phone. As she does so, she doesn't seem to notice that the bush on the other side of the restaurant is ringing. Michael answers the bush, and tells her that he's just hanging out at the gym. She seems to notice that he's talking weird, but he tells her that he doesn't have to tag along on her business meetings anymore. With that, they hang up, and Michael continues spying from his phone booth/gym/bush. Malibu Alex begins his "I still want you and I'm going to convince you that you still want me" speech but Jane tells him she doesn't have the same feelings as he does. Malibu Alex replies, "It shouldn't bother you if I kiss you" and plants a big one on her right there, despite her protests, as Michael watches on.

On the road again, we see Ryan and Megan in the car, and wouldn't you know it, they're out of gas. Why do I get the feeling that Megan's heard that line before? Megan claims that "this trip is cursed." Well, now that they're stuck out here, he decides to relieve himself in the desert. As he walks into the darkness, Megan screams "snake!" and Ryan dives onto the hood of the car just like a stunt expert. Giggling like a schoolgirl, Megan tells him this is what she calls "just a little humor."

At Lexi's House O' Love, Peter shows up hoping Mood Hair is wearing more than a skimpy red dress. Too bad, he's out of luck. "What do you want from me?" he asks, ignoring the obvious and, as if on cue, Lexi begins to strip. "I want you to make love to me, like you want to make love to Amanda but know you never will again," she replies. Peter understandably looks less than excited so Lexi threatens to tell Amanda what she knows if he doesn't cooperate. Peter hisses, "I don't love you. I'll never love you" and how he thinks this will help is beyond me. Undaunted, Lexi starts to kiss Peter but stops when she notices he's not reciprocating and for all the desperate effort she's putting into this ridiculous seduction it seems she'd get better results with a blow-up doll. Mood Hair again threatens to tell Amanda but Peter turns into a poker expert and tells her, "I'm calling your bluff, lady." Excuse me - there's a LADY in this scene? Could someone point her out to me, please? Lexi quickly dresses and storms out so Peter runs for the phone so he can call Amanda and say something along the lines of, "Hey, look out for Lexi because she's back on drugs and might be a bit mental." However, his plans to cut Lexi off at the pass are thwarted when Kyle answers the phone and lies that he hasn't seen Amanda even though she's sitting 5 feet away from him at the bar. Peter explains that he HAS to talk to her right now so Kyle tells him, "Oh, if you put it that way..." and promptly hangs up the phone.

Out in the desert, Ryan and Megan talk about stars and snakes and living in the city as countless cars who might actually be able to ASSIST them cruise on by. Ego Boy finally gets Megan to laugh and, in the process, give us one of the shots from the opening credits so he thinks he can finally get at least to first base. He clumsily puts his high school moves on her but she tells him she "doesn't want to be kissed" or pawed at or drooled on and if that's the case what the hell is she doing on this show? Instead of trying to get some help, Ryan leans back and thinks of more ridiculous ways to seduce Megan. Hopefully the coyotes will show up soon and put an end to all this nonsense.

Lexi and her skimpy red dress barge into the Upstairs looking for Amanda. Spotting her at - where else - the bar, Mood Hair says to herself, "Wait until the bitch hears this." Gotta love lines like that. Peter shows up four seconds too late just in time to see Lexi and Amanda talking and sharing hair care secrets.

--written by zinc and Matt, edited by Ellen and Stacie

Nothing but baseball for the next three weeks! But, on October 19th when the show returns, Lexi drops a bombshell on Amanda; Michael asks Alex to design Jane's wedding gown and is horrified to see him measuring her half-naked body; Kyle tells Peter he hates him and threatens to kill him.