Hang on, because this first bit manages to cram almost every character into it. We start at 4616 with Jane walking by the pool, without any signs of nostalgia for her old fightin' days with Syd. Jane barges into our favorite ex-hooker's apartment looking for Michael, but Megan assures Jane that she isn't that "braindead." I see that Megan's correspondence course in tact has left a bit to be desired. Having an Excedrin moment, Jane realizes that she's becoming as bad as Michael and, apologizing, leaves Megan's apartment to find RuEve in the courtyard, looking around dreamily. Eve proudly states that she's memorized everyone's names and proceeds to call Jane "Megan." Jane gently corrects her, explaining that she's Michael's other blonde ex-wife, not to be confused with the two redheaded ex-wives who are both dead or the scores of strippers, receptionists, and nurses who will probably gets jobs on other Aaron Spelling shows. Jane also advises Eve to stay on her toes if she's going to live in this apartment building, because she can count "the survivors" with one hand, and without moving her lips either! Peter comes into the courtyard and Eve tells him that (surprise surprise) there was a vacant unit in the building and Kyle gave her some of his old furniture to use. Peter looks alarmed at the thought of having to sit on GI D'oh's sweaty, beer-stained futon, and declines when RuEve whips out a plate of sushi and asks him to stay. They fumble through some awkward conversation for a while until Peter, breaking the tension, asks Eve if she'd like to do something sometime. "You mean like a date?" she asks, puzzled. "No, I mean like do my taxes," Peter should reply, but he doesn't, looking oddly unenthused as he confirms that yes, he does mean a date. She accepts. "Enjoy your sushi," he tells her as we see Amanda peeking out her window, watching the action. Behind her, Ryan is for some reason trying to work, but she insists upon showing him the view, which now happens to be Megan vacuuming in her underwear. "Hey, if they don't close their blinds, what's a landlord to do?" asks Amanda cryptically as she answers the phone. It's Eve, calling to giggle about the "hunky doctor" who asked her out. Amanda calls an emergency meeting of the Death Valley High twins in the laundry room, rushing past a thoughtful Kyle who's come home with flowers. Down in the laundry room, what wouldn't I give for Kimberly hiding behind a dryer so we could be spared this insipid conversation between Amanda and RuEve about Amanda's history with Peter. Eve is floored by the coincidence of her dating Amanda's ex-husband. "Of all the men in L.A..." RuEve muses, but in reality her odds of picking up Amanda's leftovers are a lot better than she might think.

Michael is slumped over paperwork in his office, and normally I would feel sorry for him being in the office late at night, but we all know that this is only part of his plan to keep from having sex with Jane. Jane arrives, telling him "You are ridiculous. What will starving me for sex accomplish?" Michael denies everything, but Jane reminds him that she knows his libido "like the back of [her] hand," and there's a great joke involving another body part that comes to mind but I can't use it because this is a family site. Obviously fresh from the "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" seminar, Jane gives him the choice of either admitting he has a problem or making hot monkey love right there in his office, and when Michael thinks about it, that's not really a choice at all, is it?

After the opening credits-hey, Heather's co-producing again!-we find ourselves at the hospital, where Michael is whining about the fact that he slept with Jane last night. Aww, poor baby! A grumpy Peter, so dissatisfied with his own love life or lack thereof, has really had enough of this nonsense. He tells Michael that this behavior is "borderline obsessional, not to mention sociopathic," and before I can formulate the thought Michael, who has writers to help him, points out that Peter would certainly know unhealthy relationship behavior when he saw it. Peter's advice to Michael is to marry Jane immediately. "You know I'm right," he tells him. "I can see it in your beady little eyes." He stomps off, leaving Michael all depressed because he'd always thought of his eyes as more the soulful puppy-dog type.

Working diligently through lunch at Kyle's, Mood Hair Woman informs her new bestest buddy the ex-hooker that she misses sex. Lexi affirms that she just wants the sex, not a relationship, and says "I'm gonna treat myself to a one-night stand tonight...pick a bar, pick a stranger...wanna come with?" Megan declines. Oh well. Oddly, Megan, who is in perhaps the best position of all to educate Lexi on just how STUPID and DANGEROUS this kind of behavior is, opts not to. Meanwhile, Amanda rushes up to the bar and informs Kyle that some magazine nominated her for its Woman of the Year award, and the champagne flows freely-but not too freely, because Amanda's having drinks with the magazine's editor-in-chief later. Looking strangely proud that his wife is having drinks with a strange man tonight, Kyle opens the champagne. Lexi sidles up to the group, and Kyle pointedly informs her that if she leaves, they'll have two things to celebrate. Hey, good one, Kyle! Lovesick Wet-Baby-Lip-Boy goes over to Megan, who apparently got stuck paying the tab, and apologizes for reacting poorly to her news that she used to be a call girl. Did he react at all? I hadn't noticed. Megan brushes off his apology with the news that she's "creating a future" for herself, and Ryan and I are equally confused as she leaves.

Back at the apartments, Kyle comes home and busts in on RuEve in her undies, getting ready for her big date with Hunky Dr. Burns. Completely flustered, Doy Boy finds something useful to do when Peter arrives-namely, play overprotective father and hassle Peter about things like curfew and what Peter's intentions are with little Ru. "I'll be right there," Eve chirps, wearing a godawful slip-looking thing, and someone needs to tell her that she forgot to put on her dress.

Jane and Malibu Alex are at what I can only presume to be his studio working on her Ballerina Barbie wedding dress as Michael rushes in with plane tickets and the edict to call off the wedding because they're eloping to Vegas. Jane reminds him that they've already picked out the church and sent the invitations (gee, I didn't get one), and Alex finally lays it on the line and tells Michael to face up to the fact that his real issue is that he's afraid Jane will sleep with Alex again. I'm so impressed that I can almost forget how bad this guy was on "Days of Our Lives." Michael, not as easily impressed, punches Alex out (again). Furious, Jane tears up the plane tickets and Michael calls off the whole thing.

For some reason, the scene has shifted to a seedy-looking parking lot, and for a moment I thought Michael had returned to practicing gangsta medicine. Actually, it's the bar where the Queen is meeting the magazine editor for drinks, which so happens to be the same bar where Lexi chaperoned Megan and Ryan on their date. Mood Hair Woman is there too, looking enviously in their direction as Magazine Man, whose name is Drew, asks Amanda if she knows of any women to set him up with. Again, this really is more Megan's area of expertise, so Amanda declines. Lexi moves in for the kill, and of course it turns out that she knows Drew from somewhere. Being relatively new to the business world, Lexi sure knows a lot of people. We soon understand why as she invites herself back to his hotel room.

Although Peter had planned to take RuEve to the symphony, they are playing miniature golf (Peter and Eve, not the symphony) because Eve apparently wanted to be outside with the noise and the lights and please tell me that hot dog vendor sells Ritalin. Peter says something polite about how Eve's enjoying her hot dog like the first one she ever had, and she gets all silent on him, recalling his/her reconstructive surgery, and then shoves a big bite into Peter's mouth. There is just zero chemistry here, and something weird too. Of course, this means we'll be seeing a lot more of this couple.

Well, Lexi and Drew didn't waste any time making good use of his hotel room, did they? Lexi uses the post-coital bliss to inquire about the Woman of the Year awards and Drew regretfully informs her that although this year's nominations and winner are all sewn up, she's got a jump on the competition for next year. And how! Lexi purrs over Drew's power and charisma, at which point we all realize that she obviously thought she was going to bed with someone else.

Kyle is drooling happily on his non-leopard-spotted pillow, but the Queen can't sleep, so she gets up and looks out the window, perhaps wondering if Megan's doing any more vacuuming. G.I. D'oh catches her and teases her for being so anxious about Peter and Eve's date. The kids return home, RuEve clutching a big stuffed dragon. Eve plants a giant good-night kiss on Peter that knocks him off balance with her scary onion breath. Terrified, Peter flees. "Nice work, matchmaker," Kyle sneers, leaving Amanda dejected at the window.

The next morning, Amanda pays a hasty visit to Eve, who seems to have been on a different date than the one I saw, because she thinks she and Peter both had a great time up until the Weinermobile showed up to kiss him. "Didn't I tell you to take it slowly?" asks the Queen, and this is certainly interesting advice coming from her. RuEve decides to identify her real feelings for Peter, and what better way to do that than to write them down in a letter? Amanda thinks this is a terrible idea, but Eve is determined to sort all this out mmediately because of course if everyone's feelings aren't already sorted out by the morning after the first date, the relationship is doomed.

Michael wakes up in a strange apartment and then realizes it's his ex-hooker ex-wife's. Seems he was too angry with Jane to go home, so he got drunk and ranted at Megan instead. Sound familiar? Megan tells him to stop testing and manipulating Jane, that that was what she hated the most when they were married (oh, surely there must have been more things she hated), and tells him to lock up when he leaves. She also smacks a big non-ColorStay Lipcolor kiss on his cheek, making him look like he, not Alex, was the one who got decked last night. While locking up, Michael of course runs into Jane, who again accuses him of having an affair with Megan. Michael meekly inquires about Alex's nose, but Jane can't be diverted from the subject at hand, which is that their relationship is based on lies. (Really? I hadn't noticed.) Michael sort of takes responsibility for that by telling Jane that his love for her makes him "nuts" and that he feels he has to lie and scheme to hold on to her because she's too good for him, but Jane's not buying it. Finally Michael confesses all, and Jane tells him that he has three weeks before the wedding to start acting like an adult, and also that Jane is moving back into the complex and they're going to start their courtship all over again...without changing the wedding date, of course. Did it occur to them that perhaps this is an indication that getting married isn't such a good idea right now? Of course not, because Michael's so cuuuuuute!

Lexi is taking what appears to be a kickboxing aerobics class and really looking terrible and out of place, but we soon realize that her ulterior motive is to schmooze with some other businesswomen and plant the rumor that the Queen slept with Drew to get the big Woman of the year award. We all know that ironically, Lexi is actually the one who did this, but no one else knows it yet. Meow! Not much else to say about this scene, except that we now know what the big rumor about Amanda is, and all I can say is, couldn't it have been something interesting for once?

Someone is swimming in the pool-Syd? Brooke? No, it's our favorite ex-hooker, joined by Wet-Lips after some territorial snarling. Rumors fly around fast, because Megan's already heard that Amanda slept with Drew to get the award. She's not speculating on whether or not it's true, of course, just wondering if Ryan heard about it. He doesn't want to get involved because Amanda's already bitten his head off enough times as is. However, he adds, if a similar rumor were started about him and Megan, he wouldn't do anything to stop it. Megan murmurs something about the weather being dangerous and makes a hasty escape. Sign Ryan up for socialization training along with Eve!

Michael and Peter are watching a ball game at their office and Michael is complaining about how he can't go home because Jane forced him into exile. As I recall, Jane said that she'd stay at the apartments while Michael stayed at the beach house, and how that's exile I'm not sure. Peter reveals that he's avoiding Eve because he doesn't think she's ready for a relationship with someone as complex as he is. Whatever. "Well, if you get your oil changed..." Michael begins, but Peter attempts to uphold Eve's honor. He fails, though, by reading parts of Eve's letter to Michael, and we see RuEve sneaking in with a bottle of wine during this embarrassing recital. Angry, she throws the wine on the couch and storms out, and I have to admit I was hoping she'd break it over his head, or perhaps Michael's-yeah, I know he didn't do anything to Eve, but he's still getting on my nerves.

The B-Boy Bros are on the basketball court dancing around pretending to be athletic when Wet-Baby-Lip-Boy lets it slip that he heard about this rumor about Amanda and her jungle print sheets. G.I. D'oh refuses to believe it and explains how he's content to "not buy into it" because, after all, asking any more of Kyle would be a wasted effort.

Across town, Jane and Amanda are shopping for a dress for Amanda to wear to the awards dinner. Jane picks out a skimpy black dress that looks just like all the other skimpy black dresses Amanda owns but this one is special because it's designed by Malibu Alex and isn't it interesting that this guy is such a HUGE success yet it's taken us 7 years to even hear about him? I mean, I want to know where he was when Jane was having problems with Richard and Sydney and failing boutiques and deadly shovels but I digress. Amanda slips into a dressing room to try the dress on as Lexi's kickboxing buddies, Kung Fu Karla and Kristy gossip REALLY LOUDLY about how Amanda slept her way into winning that award. Jane hears them and asks these two complete strangers to include her in on their conversation by asking who they're talking about. Kung Fu One explains how Amanda has already won the award but she slept with Drew McKenzie to get it. Jane, who I've yet to see be this wicked person she's supposed to be this season, defends Amanda until Amanda herself appears and asks to be clued in on the gossip. The kickboxers excuse themselves as Jane tells Amanda about the rumor. Naturally, Queen Amanda tries to run after them to "set them straight" but Jane repeatedly stops her and urges her to let it go.

Seconds later, it's nighttime and Jane and Michael are carrying the last of her belongings into her new apartment and first of all, why do they keep showing scenes back to back with the same person as if they can fly through time and space and second of all why is she moving everything she owns out of the beach house if she's planning to move right back in within a few weeks? Jane invites Michael in and, as he goes to the kitchen to crack open a bottle of wine, she plays her answering machine messages and listens as Malibu Alex invites her to be his date at the awards dinner. Michael pouts because he thinks she's actually going to be seen in public with a real-life Ken doll but Jane informs him she'd rather go with the self-indulged, neurotic, jealous doctor that is her fiancee. Michael confesses he's "weak in the courting department" and oh-so-supportive Jane adds that he's "weak in the relationship department" as well. With nothing else left, Michael resorts to, "But I am good in bed," so Jane tells him to "prove it." With the ease and grace of choreographed dancers they proceed to attack one another on the dining room table (remind me never to accept a dinner invitation from these two) and as I'm watching them remove each other's clothing with ease I'm wondering why it is undressing someone has never been that easy for me. Maybe I need to save this videotape and take notes. As the dining room lovefest continues, Peeping Alex watches from outside.

It's late and way past Amanda's curfew so Kyle goes looking for her at her office where she's stressing over writing an acceptance speech for an award she no longer wants to win. She starts to tell Kyle about the rumor but Doy Boy tells her he already knows about it and insists it's better to ignore the whole thing and go accept the award. "This isn't the movies," Amanda reminds him which may be the case but even the Queen of the Jungle has to admit some pretty bizarre things have happened in her life during the past several years. "No matter what, I'm screwed," Amanda hisses as Kyle stands there with a look on his face that says, "Please don't overtax my pea-sized brain and make me face reality because it's easier for me to ignore things until they either go away or my head explodes, whichever comes first." My money's on the latter.

RuEve and her B-52's bouffant hairdo are singing at the Upstairs when Peter walks in. She finishes her set, walks off the stage and heads for her dressing room. Peter chases after her and tries to get her to stop and talk to him by repeatedly grabbing at her, and for someone who didn't want to be kissed he certainly is doing a lot of groping in this scene. In between manhandling RuEve, Peter apologizes and tells her how "good" her letter made him feel even though less than 24 hours earlier he was honestly telling Michael what a clingy basket case she is. Begging for another chance, he asks her to meet him at the miniature golf course the following evening at 8pm and releases his Kung Fu grip on her before walking away. RuEve walks into her dressing room which looks identical to Kyle's office, closes the door behind her and breathes a sigh of relief that Peter still hasn't figured out she's a man.

Another commercial break and another advertisement for the fact Luke Perry is returning to 90210 because he couldn't find any work elsewhere which seems to be a recurring curse on former Spelling actors but the kicker here is that, during the Party Of Five preview they're playing that new song "Lullaby" by my former neighbor Shawn Mullins which is both neat and eerie at the same time but he's damn talented and it's a great album so go buy it.

Drew McKenzie storms into Mood Hair Woman's office and blasts her for starting a rumor that has now made its way all the way back to New York. As Megan eavesdrops from outside, he shouts about how a model he's been dating called him and yelled at him and how Lexi can forget ever being nominated. "I got all I wanted out of this award," she tells him cooly and reminds him he did as well because she was gracious enough to pick him for her self-indulging one night stand. Drew storms out past Megan who now has a perplexed look on her face because now she knows the big secret and must decide what to do with this information. Either that or she has gas.

G.I. D'oh is all dressed up with no obvious place to go since Amanda is still in her bathrobe sitting on the sofa watching boxing on TV. She tells Kyle she's not going to the awards, but Kyle insists she is since he went to all the trouble to learn how to tie a tie and match his socks. In a Tarzan-like move, Kyle picks up Jungle Queen, throws her over his shoulder, beats on his chest and carries her into the bedroom where he throws her on the bed and goes to the closet to pick out a black dress for her to wear. Standing her up, he disrobes her, raises her arms above her head and puts the dress on her in record time and again I want to know why my experiences with clothing and the opposite sex have never been this easy. Handing Amanda her purse, Doy Boy says proudly, "Didn't think I could do it, did ya?" and I, for one, must admit how impressed I am. As he puts Amanda's shoes on, the requisite Jungle Sex music starts and Queenie suggests Kyle take off her shoes and make love to her but I think she's just so stunned she wants to see if he can do it all again. Kyle resists but quickly gives in.

Over at the miniature golf course, Peter is pacing back and forth looking at his watch when RuEve finally shows up. She tells him she almost didn't come and then explains that she's never had a real relationship before despite the fact she's as drop-dead gorgeous as she is and if she doesn't turn out to be a transvestite I'm really going to be disappointed. Peter explains how he's been in lots of relationships and, as a result, is now "damaged goods" and confesses how difficult it is for him to "open up." RuEve suggests they start over and wipe the slate clean and offers her hand to "shake" on the deal. Peter takes her hand, kisses it, and then kisses Eve.

Now it's off to yet another awards dinner and how it is that I manage to get stuck writing the synopsis every time this show has a big party I'll never know. Above the band hangs a sign saying "Biz Line Magazine Woman Of The Year" that looks like it was made by a 4-year-old, so Sam and her crayons must have returned to the advertising business. Mood Hair Lush Woman is sitting at her table with Megan getting sloshed on champagne when she shouts out to Drew, "smashing party!" and then turns to Megan and mumbles how he's a "snob and a lousy lover." Megan excuses herself to get another drink. On her way to the bar, she passes Jane and Michael on the dance floor who are thoroughly immersed in one another as Malibu Alex, in a poorly-fitting suit that must have been designed by Jane, blatantly stares at them. At the bar, Ryan approaches Megan who immediately blurts out the truth about how the rumor got started. Wet Lips tells her she has to tell Amanda because doing so will help "undo the damage. Do what you have to," he urges and walks away.

Kyle and Amanda enter amidst loud whispers and stares. They join Jane and Michael at a table and Jane asks Michael to go get them a round of champagne. He obeys, and it really is amazing how a couple rolls in the hay with this man will have him wrapped around your finger in no time. At the bar, Michael is approached by our favorite ex-hooker who tells him she has to tell Amanda something but she can't tell her directly for fear of losing her job. As she subtly puts a note for Amanda in his pocket, Jane watches from her table. Kyle and Amanda head for the dance floor as Michael returns, so Jane takes the opportunity to accuse Michael of having an affair and yank the note out of his pocket. Reading the words "Meet me in the ladies room" Jane angrily recalls a convention from yesteryear where she and Michael got it on in the bathroom and tells him, "I'll take this meeting" as she marches off to the restroom. As expected, Megan is waiting there so Jane confronts her about her affair and informs her, "Michael is my man." Megan calmly explains that the note was for Amanda and how she knows all about who started the rumor but can't be seen talking to Amanda because Lexi will fire her but somehow going to all this trouble and creating all this conflict isn't going to clue Lexi or her Mood Hair radar in on anything. Jane apologizes and agrees to tell Amanda herself. She heads back to the table and, as Drew reads off the list of nominees, Jane whispers into Amanda's ear. Hearing the truth about who started the rumor, a look of shock crosses Amanda's face just as her name is announced as the winner and a spotlight is stuck in her face. Smiling, Amanda walks up to accept her award and gives an acceptance speech to rival that of Billy's a few years back when he stated proudly, "I lie and I'm proud!" Looking at Drew, Amanda says, "I was going to start by saying thank you" and then, turning her attention to the room, finishes, "but then you'd all think I slept with him." The audience does a collective gasp as Amanda continues, "because that's the only way a woman can win." She goes on to say how the award is supposed to reflect things like integrity and conviction but it's really all about "backstabbing... cheating and lying... master manipulators, rumor mongers and gossips. I'm afraid I don't measure up," she states and then politely declines the award. But the fun doesn't end there, kids, oh no. Jungle Queen continues, "This award should go to a woman who really deserves it... who would resort to starting a rumor to destroy a person just for the fun of it... Lexi Sterling - my personal choice." Amanda starts clapping and soon the whole room is applauding as Amanda takes the award and plunks it down on the table in front of Lexi whose face is now the same shade of red as her Mood Hair as the spotlight glares on her.

--written by Ellen and Stacie, edited by zinc

It's a Melrose Blackout as Peter and Eve get horizontal; Michael is arrested; Alex makes a play for Jane; Peter and Amanda get stuck in an elevator; Megan continues to reject Ryan and a naked Lexi swims in the pool of an apartment complex she doesn't live in as she invites Ryan to come join her.