So as this pathetic episode begins, our favorite ex-hooker stops by Mood Hair Woman's condo to remind the boss she missed a 7AM meeting. Lexi, who has obviously started the day right with a balanced breakfast of Wheaties and vodka, mumbles about how she's "never leaving [her] condo." She informs Megan how her alcohol-diet clued her in to the fact it was Megan who "ratted her out" to Amanda and finishes by telling Hooker-Girl she's fired. "Fine. And, by the way, I'm the only friend you've got," Megan replies which can't be entirely true seeing as how close Mood Hair has obviously become with the liquor delivery guy. Lexi starts crying about how much she hates Amanda and how Peter left Mood Hair for Queen Amanda and how the Psycho Doctor was "everying [she] ever wanted." Megan comforts Lexi and tells her, "If you need anything - you know, just a shoulder to cry on or a ride to AA, you have my number" which can't really mean anything since half of L.A. must have Megan's number by now. Lexi slobbers about what a good friend Megan is and then recants her decision to fire her.

Even though it's morning, Kyle and Amanda are just now arriving home from the awards dinner. G.I. D'oh makes the inane comment about how the previous evening will end just by their crossing the threshold to their apartment as if it's the key to the whole time-space continuum thing, so Amanda suggests they pretend the courtyard is the beach and make love right there so either she's smoking crack or Kyle's stupidity is rubbing off on her. RuEve emerges from her apartment and asks if they're just getting home, like it's any of her business, and she's so incredulous and shocked it's obvious she hasn't been in L.A. very long. Amanda inquires about Eve's date with Peter and shoos Kyle off to the shower while RuEve fills her in on the details. Eve tells her how she's "crazy about Peter" but reminds her it's been "forever since [she] made out or had sex" and judging from her behavior lately I'm willing to bet it's going to continue to be a long wait. She notes how "experienced" Peter is, so Amanda suggests RuEve let Psycho Doctor "set the pace." Whatever.

Speak of the devil, Peter sticks his nose out of his apartment and tells Eve he was just trying to call her to invite her over for coffee since he's suddenly forgotten how to make coffee for one and accidentally made too much despite the fact he's spent most of his adult life as a single man and even when he was married or living with Inflate-O-Lips he still didn't seem to have trouble with the Mr. Coffee, but I digress. Eve accepts his invitation and enters his apartment where his pager makes two beeps thus signaling the fact that either A) Peter has a page or B) the sound effects people obviously forgot what a real beeper sounds like. It appears to be A as Peter takes the beeper and tells Eve it's the hospital, and he'll have to leave, which is a bummer as he planned on seducing RuEve over coffee which is pretty lame even for Peter. He's obviously been reading the "Dr. Mancini Guide To Pick Up Women And Stuff." Without skipping a beat, Eve suggests in her deepest, sultriest, folk-singingest voice, "How about my place tonight at 8 - I'll make all your fantasies come true." Peter agrees with a very unenthusiastic, "Yeah, that's OK."

Jane arrives at Michael's office to ask him why there are a bunch of big, buff, bohunky construction guys at the beach house. Michael explains something about beams and a weak foundation and tells her he has to move out while the repairs are made. He then asks Jane what she was doing at the house in the first place, so she tells him she was there to get the last of her stuff despite the fact she said the exact same thing last week when he was helping her move. Michael tells her that the repairs will take at least a couple months and then hints at moving in with Jane, but she turns him down. Kissing Michael goodbye, Jane wishes him luck and leaves. Michael then calls the contractor and tells him how Jane bought the whole story and he can leave now, but the contractor tells him the beams in the house really are bad and the house needs about $50,000 in repairs and suggests Michael get a 2 month lease somewhere. Am I the only one getting really tired of this whole Michael being the comic relief sad sack kind of guy thing? Like how Tori is the queen of mishaps and great kneeslapping humor on 90210? If Spelling's writers are reading this GIVE MICHAEL SOME GOOD LINES AND A TOLERABLE PLOT! PLEASE!

At AWA, Megan shows up to return the Queen's award by stating, "You left this on Lexi's table." So what is Megan now? Lexi's new administrative assistant/gopher, or is she that great big ad exec that she deserves to be after hanging around Eric Baines for all of two episodes? Amanda tells her she doesn't want it and promptly tosses it in the trash, but judging by the big thud it makes I'm almost certain it went through the floor and landed on the head of some poor, young accountant in the office downstairs. Doesn't matter. I'm sure someone else will come to 4616 looking for a place to live and a job soon enough. Megan turns to leave but stops to commend Amanda for what she did the previous evening. In turn, Amanda thanks her for spilling the beans to Jane and for a moment I thought these two were going to have an International Coffees moment. Megan walks out, bumps into Ryan and makes a comment about how he hasn't asked her out in awhile. Baby-Lips explains he's trying to change his luck with her by leaving her alone for awhile, so it appears Michael's "Picking Up Da Babes" book is a bestseller now. "I guess we won't know until you ask," Megan quips and walks off. Ooooh golly, boys and girls! Doesn't the witty repartee between these two just make you tingle?

Jane arrives home to find Michael adhering his name to a mailbox, and why this is such a surprise to her is beyond me considering this IS the only apartment complex in all of L.A., right? As if reading my mind, this is exactly what Michael tells Jane, as well as the fact that Amanda gave him a discount since they're obviously such good buds now. Naturally Jane doesn't buy any of this and insists Michael is there to spy on her when who should arrive but Malibu Alex and his big honking portfolio asking if he can have some private time with Jane in her apartment. Much to Michael's chagrin, Jane agrees and skips into her apartment with Alex trotting along right behind. Once inside, Alex shows Jane a bunch of sketches that look like they were made with one of those old Barbie Fashion Designer kits except these all have Jane's head attached, which is frightening especially considering how hideous the dresses are and yet how perfect Jane's face looks. When I stop to actually think about it, I'm clueless as to how this guy got to be as hugely successful as he's supposed to be when he spends all his time drawing pictures of Jane's floating head. Kind of reminds me of the time that Syd snuck into Kimberly's hotel room and found all those cutout pictures all over the walls, but I don't think the writers want us to see Alex as that twisted. I think. You never know. There's a knock on the door and - surprise, surprise - it's Michael asking to borrow a cup of sugar. Jane lets him in, and as he rummages through the kitchen, Alex takes the opportunity to ask Jane to be his personal model since Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell are obviously too busy these days hawking cheap cosmetics. Michael pipes up how Jane has had NUMEROUS modeling offers in the past and has turned them all down and then adds, "No wife of mine is going to parade her wares on newsstands." Annoyed, Jane asks if he's giving her an ultimatum and when he says "yes," she accepts Alex's offer. A wounded Michael pouts and storms out.

Over at the McBride household the B-Ball brothers are drinking beer and eating chips and showing us their collective IQ is equivalent to that of a jar of paste as they pick on each other while watching a football game on TV along with the Jungle Queen. The phone rings, so Amanda answers it and gets an earful of an anxious Eve yammering on about how Peter is now 30 minutes late for their big "Let's Have Sex" date. Amanda excuses herself and goes outside to take her call and listens as RuEve says she blew it by telling Peter she was "going to make all his fantasies come true." I think my fantasies would come true if someone would just pass me a roll of Tums RIGHT NOW PLEASE! Amanda confirms that Eve screwed up and starts telling her how Psycho Doctor is so "complex" (which is an interesting way of describing your ex-husband who tried to kill you) when she notices Peter standing in his apartment talking on the phone. She relays this information to Eve who promptly hangs up, storms out of her apartment and marches down the stairs in her velvet disco dress and Spice Girls heels. It's obvious this girl hasn't had a date in a long time, cause I've seen drag queens that look better than this. She knocks on Peter's door and enters as he finishes his important-sounding "hospital business" phone call. RuEve immediately admits how she thought he was standing her up, so Peter tells her he's going to change his clothes, "clean up," and come over. Then he manhandles her head and devours her lips, so I guess he had a sudden change of heart. Witness to this face-sucking is Amanda who is still standing outside her apartment watching through Peter's partially opened window blinds. With all this Peeping Tom stuff she's been doing lately, I'm beginning to think she's fixed all the window blinds to not close properly on purpose. Then we get a whole bunch of slow-motion shots of Peter and Eve as they become less dressed and proceed to have sex on the sofa in a bizarre montage that looks like something Jason Priestly would have directed until, finally, the whole thing fades and we're put out of our misery.

Our luscious blue courtyard pool is brimming with delight. Michael and Jane stir in bed and are suddenly awakened by that most unlikely of voyeurs, Amanda. I guess their blinds were shut so she couldn't peek through them. She is quite tired of her employees shirking their duties (i.e. whoring themselves for Alex Bastian) for their silly romances (i.e. Michael), while poor Amanda "cleans up their messes." She is afraid that the loss of Alex will eventually lead to the loss of other clients. Like a hypnotist, she tells Jane "you will go to Alex and you will apologize" and lays out the details of the surrender over Michael's babyish objections. Jane remembers why she couldn't wait to move out the first time. Personally, I remember the reason being Michael.

RuEve wets her feet in the pool as Amanda approaches. "Whatcha doin'?" she asks. "Trying to decide whether to knock" on Peter's door, Eve replies. Eve thinks Peter is avoiding her because of that great sex she gave him. Try that logic on the rest of the male universe. She thinks herself a fool for believing he could fix her life - damn right woman! "Maybe he can," says our so-called liberated Queen. "Nobody can," says a sighing Eve, who walks off dejectedly.

Back to play in the Mid-Wilshire office building at night are Peter and Amanda. She walks out of the elevator and confronts Peter on the matter of Eve. "What, did you read about it in the building newsletter?" he replies. Another great web page idea revealed!! Amanda accuses Peter of using Eve to make her jealous, as if that were possible. An obviously annoyed Peter stomps into the elevator. Our Queen follows him.

Gee, I wonder what will happen next?? I mean somehow I've been able to avoid the 78,500 hours of promos on FOX this week and I'm in the dark! Get it? After the `vator screeches to a halt, Amanda says "Do something!" About what, the crappy sound effects? Peter hasn't a clue yet.

4616 is in the dark too, I guess. Michael walks into the courtyard and breaks the news to Ryan. Then, just as he's about to launch into his "when I was in the New York City blackout" stories, splash, he pulls a Nestea plunge into the pool. Damn, I was hoping it was a good story like mine, you know, when I looted the QuickWay Supermark... err, ahem. Let's continue.

Mandy and Petey sittin' in a box. NOT K-I-S-S-I-N-G - yet. Peter is insisting that he likes Eve on her own merits, not just to piss off his almighty Queen. Then why hasn't he returned her calls, asks Amanda. "Our marriage," says he, killing the prior logic. What he means is he always seems to screw things up when they're going well. I agree - I suck on the phone. When Amanda tells Peter "open yourself up," he begins to fidget with the elevator buttons.

Billy Kyle Joel is tickling the ivories at the bar. "Didn't know you played," says Eve. Neither did we. By the way he splices fiber optic cables too. She likes "that song" - whatever it was. Eve is quite down because of Peter. Doy Boy can sympathize. "Used to feel like kicking the crap out of him, but that's just me," he says. God - Jen's back! Back to the ivories he goes.

Wet Mike is being dried off by his beloved Jane at his apartment. He asks if she has made up with King of All Designers. She evades the question and kisses him, saying he looks so cute when he's wet. Michael remembers that he left his TV and stereo in the car - stuff he was moving in. He wants it inside before the Rodney King people start looting again in the blackout. Jane goes to her apartment.

Then we get another Tori moment of great misunderstanding. When Michael takes his "stuff" out of his car, some cops approach. Is he a looter? Of course, he's wet, he has no license, no receipt, and he has no tact with cops. After a lame donut joke, they slap on the cuffs and read the Carmen Miranda stuff.

The ex-hooker and Wet-Baby-Lip-Boy play with their puppy. Like an awkward teenager, Lip-Boy explains that he can't play any music for her now, since the power is out. He confesses then that he's uptight. "We're just friends," she says. I'd have thrown her out for that remark, but instead he tosses the puppy aside and says, "I have an idea." Are they gonna play Twister? No - he leads her out the window up the ladder to the roof. Yes, there is a roof. He tells her that he doesn't think Amanda even knows about it. Right - a big-time exec and landlord who hasn't inspected the property thoroughly or even noticed the big ladder right next to a window that she probably peeps into regularly? Whatever, Ryan. As Megan betrays astonishment, he lights two jar candles. Gee, really spontaneous. As Ryan compares Megan to the stars, he pulls off a kiss. It's working - there's tongue. No!! She quips "you've got `in it for the long haul' written all over your face." Hey that's why I write "quick one-nighter" on mine. She can't go on and escapes down the ladder.

Jane makes the coffee like a good woman. Her lover comes to her from behind, kissing her neck. But it ain't Mike - it's Designer Boy!! And he "doesn't give a damn" that Michael will be back soon. He continues working - and it takes several seconds before she pushes him away. "You belong with me Jane and you know it ." Buh-bye.

Now this is television - just listen to this one! Michael rambles on to the cops about his "civil rights" and all that crap. Then, of all things, REAL LOOTERS appear, ransacking a car nearby. The cops stop short, and abandon Michael in the car to pursue the suspects. Get this. A dude hops in the front of the car with our poor Tori-wannabe still inside and peels out!! Can you just segue right into Worlds Greatest Police Car Chases XIV? Amazing.

The elevator with Peter and Amanda has not moved. Obviously some geniuses have never heard of backup generators. "Kyle would know what to do," the Queen taunts. Kyle this, Kyle that, Peter remarks. The two can't relax. Peter plans an escape. He props the beskirted Amanda up on his shoulders to the ceiling panel. "Don't look up," she jokes. "I've seen it before," he responds. Good one. She makes it through the panel alive with a semblance of a good view for all. Then, plot fallibility sets in as her cell phone rings. Let me repeat, her cell phone RINGS. Did anyone think to use the phone before?? It's only GI D'oh, and he's quite annoyed to hear Peter on the other end. Peter hands the phone to Amanda, who calmly explains the situation and locale. Peter hints that the two "should give him a reason to be jealous." She hurls the phone at him.

Handcuffed Mike (without the aid of Kimberly, mind you) listens to the APB for his patrol car on CB channel 14. His driver/looter continues to loot. When the kid goes in to restock some satellite dishes, he tells Tori-I-mean-Michael to play hostage if necessary. Michael, with ideas of freedom, plays gymnast to get his cuffs to the front side. He then brilliantly takes off in the car.

Megan comes back to Ryan's place to claim her sweater. Wet-Lips is sporting just his boxers and the puppy. After he makes a last play for her affection, she goes on and on about how she is not even attracted to him and hates dogs. What a phony! "We don't need her," he tells the dog. Methinks they both whatever.

Jane summons Megan as she comes downstairs, asking if she has seen Michael. No, she says, obviously still in an anti-male daze.

Cut to Michael, who bravely and heroically steers the police car into the precinct, and is then swarmed and taken into custody by the cops.

Amanda takes a seat by Kyle at the restaurant and proceeds to explain Peter's relationship with Eve. Kyle knows how hard Eve is taking it firsthand. Amanda explains that she pushed them together to help to get Peter out of their lives. Gee, couldn't see her doing that sort of thing. Kyle finally agrees to the idea and they swap spit.

Peter enters 4616. He gazes up at Eve's apartment. She walks by, ready to snub him. He grabs her and follows her up. She presumes their relationship was merely a one-night stand. He says he really enjoyed what they had and would like "more." "What, a two-night stand?" she asks. "No, more along the lines of a relationship," he replies. Thank God she's not Megan or he'd be on the roof by now. They happily kiss and the scene is broken by Lexi, who has become the Empress of Evil. She introduces herself as "Peter's old flame" and proceeds to badmouth him viciously in the spirit of Election Season. When she says something about them going in the pool and Lexi playing Jaws and eating them up, Eve gets ready to go and kick some. But Peter holds her back and they enter apartment #7.

Peter refers to Lexi as a "big mistake" and then calls Eve "the best thing that ever happened to me", a familiar phrase. Hey kiss. Lexi, swimming nude, garners the attention of young Lip-Boy. "Aren't you gonna join me?" she purrs. "I wouldn't want to spoil your fun," he teases. He closes the blinds - and thus the show.

--written by Stacie and Anthony, edited by zinc

Eve and Peter are at the courthouse but Eve won't disclose anything about her evil past; Amanda demands that Jane go to Chicago or lose her job; Michael has a bachelor party with an ugly stripper; Alex tries to continue "tradition" and sleep with Jane the night before her wedding.