So this episode begins with Malibu Alex barging in upon our Queen and her minion all cozy and yummy in some pink sheets that they just so happen to keep on hand at the Upstairs. Instead of the "HEY THIS IS PRIVATE PROPERTY GET YOUR EARLY-MORNING-WAKING-US-UP-BUTT RIGHT ON OUT OF HERE" speech that I know would spew like pearls from my mouth, Kyle mumbles "Oh, uh, we're closed." Amanda immediately coddles Baby Alex. He cries and pouts that he can't find Jane and that if he can't have constant access to her, he'll take his toys and go home, not to mention also pull his account from AWA and get a new ad agency. How about rehiring the "whole division" of advertising people who you canned cuz you were hot for Janie, eh Alex? Anyway, Amanda assures him that she'll find his little lost obsession for him. Whatever.

Then we see RuEve and Peter waking up all snug as two bugs in Eve's bed. Eve is in perfect and very fresh makeup, and I have to say that after living in the dorm for years in college and having many female friends, I have seen enough of a test sampling of women first thing in the morning to have a pretty solid hypothesis that at this point, Eve really should look a lot more like Robert Smith from the Cure and a lot less like a sexy vixen ready to take on the world, but I digress. Eve tells Peter that she's so happy lately she must be dreaming. "Maybe you should pinch me or something," she quips. Then she pinches Peter somewhere that looked pretty darn naughty. Peter notices that Eve doesn't have very many clothes hanging in her closet. Ru tells him that her clothes got stolen from the last place she lived, and she was waiting for her first paycheck to buy some. Dudly Doo-Peter snakes out his AmEx and insists Eve do some clothes shopping on him. We have the typical "oh, I can't" "yes, I insist" back and forth hoo hah, and eventually Eve agrees to spend Peter's money for him. What a gal!

Over at the Hollywood Police Station, Jane picks up her dorky fiance. He asks her with bizarre concern, "You were worried, right?" As they walk out the door, Amanda's Search Party Limo pulls up. Insisting that she must speak to Jane alone about "business," the Queen pulls Jane into the car. As typical, Tori-I-mean-Michael blusters about outside the car all frustrated and stuff. Amanda tells Jane that Alex wants her to go to Chicago to help him finish his spring line. Jane refuses, saying that she's getting married in less than a week and that Amanda should send someone else. Amanda insists, telling Jane "He wants YOU." "Oh, that was obvious last night when he kissed me during the blackout," Jane replies. "That is in the category of more than I need to know. Kiss him, don't kiss him, just keep the account," Amanda demands. What I want to know is what an ad exec is supposed to do about a spring line that doesn't even exist yet. Is Jane now some sort of Designer Consultant from AWA? Shouldn't she get a chunky raise if that's the case? So Amanda tells her that she has taken the liberty of breaking into Jane's apartment, rifling through her closet, and packing a bag for her to take to Chicago. After giving Amanda a slightly surprised look, Jane agrees to go. She kisses Michael goodbye and the limo speeds off to the airport. And we get the credits.

I'll make this short so I can keep my dinner where I put it. Wet-Baby-Lip-Boy and Hooker-Girl. Stupid song with some lyrics about "There are no mistakes in love," which is a highly amusing song to hear right about now. Back and forth between the two of them looking all puppy-eyed (bad pun, I know) at their respective homes. Megan looking at phone, picking it up, changing her mind, and hanging up. Ryan finding Megan's earring. Older man and young girl showing up at Megan's door to ask about the puppy. I would like to know what contest these two won to get on the show, because neither of them has any clue as to how to act or speak lines. Megan taking them to Ryan's; they take "Sam" the puppy home. Ryan getting all snotty to Megan about their breakup (remember when Megan got snippy with him last week and said that she didn't like him or his little puppy, either? I guess that was a breakup...) and "clean separations." Me, clutching my jug of Tums, chanting "it's something my body needs anyway, it's something my body needs anyway."

The Queen and RuEve are shopping on Rodeo Drive, courtesy of Peter's AmEx. Eve says she feels guilty about spending Peter's money, but our liberated woman of the 90's Amanda tells her not to feel bad, as it makes Peter feel good to put his women on pedestals. Oh, yeah. That's the mentality that will break the glass ceiling, Mandy. When Eve asks what Peter is going to think when he sees the bill, Amanda responds with "He'll say you're worth it." Does anyone recognize that commercial? Apparently tired of seeing Ru wearing such low hemlines, Amanda suggests a dress in "Peter's favorite color" crimson. Protesting that it's too revealing (this woman really hasn't been in Melrose long, has she?), Eve finally agrees to try it on.

Okay, now I have lived in Chicago my whole life, and I'm more than willing to admit that I have not seen every single square inch of the city, but when Alex and Jane pull up next to his "Chicago" building, this is not even remotely in Illinois. Let's suspend our disbelief together, shall we? When Alex and Jane get out of their limo, they DO pull on long wool coats, so I guess it must be the midwest. Anyway, now Alex owns not only the cozy little lovenest loft where he and Jane did the deed on the eve of her first wedding, but he owns the whole building! We can only surmise that he has made it into a sanctuary of all that is Jane, which means that it is shallow and likes to be treated poorly. Spit on my bricks! Don't tuckpoint me for decades! Chisel away at my fine marble interior! So Jane tries to get back to the airport after finding out that they are back at the scene of the crime, but Alex whines, "My spring line is terrible. The show's in a week. My whole career could go up in flames on this one." So our wimpy little Jane agrees to stay and fix all Baby Alex's problems. How sweet.

Over at AWA, Michael arrives in his scrubs and insists that because of a "medical emergency" Amanda's new admin (who actually has a few lines!) must tell him exactly where the Queen is. Upon finding that she is in the Ladies' Room, he bursts in to find her in front of the mirror. When she asks him why he thought he could go into the women's restroom, he says something about thinking it was one of those "co-ed corporate bathrooms" to which Amanda responds that those "just exist on T.V." Hmmm. What show could they be plugging here, kids? So Amanda's assistant trots in with a cell phone, telling Amanda it's Jane. Michael grabs the phone and yammers at her. She tells him that she's busy and he'll have to make the final wedding plans on his own. When he gets all whiny (oh, that's uncommon for Michael), she tells him that if he doesn't trust her, they shouldn't be getting married. That seems to shut him up. Then the phone goes dead. Bummer.

Peter walks right on into Eve's apartment and finds her goobering over her new purchases. Her entire bed is covered with short tiny clothing. And to cover a bed with small scraps of clothes is pretty impressive, not to mention expensive. Immediately concerned that Peter is going to be upset at the outrageous bill she racked up on Rodeo Drive (ever hear of outlet malls, Eve?), Ru begins to apologize (she's a woman on Melrose - that's her duty). Peter tells her that she's being silly and they do the horizontal mambo right then and there.

Eve rushes into the Upstairs, where her band is already playing and people are already dancing, and Kyle is already freaking that she's late. She runs up to the stage just in time to sing the first verse. Kyle informs Amanda that an A&R rep is sitting at the bar and that if he's impressed with Eve, she could get real rich and famous and stuff. Yeah, just like how she helped Ned "Eddie" Quartermaine on GH kick start his music career, and let me just reiterate that I am so THANKFUL that her gum-popping "Rocky" accent is a thing of the past!

Lexi, our Empress of Evil, struts her gold-tourniquet-dressed stuff into Kyle's, where she spies young Ryan sitting alone. She asks the host to seat her at the table next to him. Remember that witty repartee we all loved so much between Lip-Boy and the ex-hooker? Well, now the Empress is into the action. Check this out: Lexi: "You ever try the snails? Mmmmm. All those plump little guys always make my mouth water." Ryan: "I don't like to eat anything that crawls. I like to give my food a running start." Lexi: "Is that why you and Megan broke up? She was too fast for you?" Ryan: "I wasn't aware that we were really together." Lexi: "That's what she said, too." Ryan gets up to leave, and he says that he had been waiting for an encore of her skinny dipping in the pool. Yeeeiiikes. Will the pain never stop?

Back at the Upstairs, G.I. D'oh barges into RuEve's dressing room to give her the great news that the A&R rep thinks she's so good that he wants to make a demo with her ASAP. He has also left $5,000 good faith money, and all Eve has to do is sign something and put her social security number on it. Must be the new crimson dress! Eve asks where Amanda is, and Kyle tells her that she went home. Eve proceeds to have a meltdown of epic proportion, shrieking that Peter is the center of her universe and vice versa, and that she doesn't want or need fame. Kyle looks very confused, I am out of Crystal Lite, and fortunately, we go to commercial break.

Oh, don't you love those fun and frolicsome scenes of great "ooopsie" moments? Yeah, me too. And if I ever find out who is exactly responsible for the Tori-ism of Michael, I will track them down and strap them into one of those Clockwork Orange movie theatre contraptions with the thingie that holds your eyes open and make them watch endless loops of Tori's "funniest comedic mishaps" and make them understand how we feel. Gee. Did I digress again? Ooopsie! So anyway, Michael shuffles into an operating room to try to get the docs to cover his responsibilities for the next few days so he can go and stalk his beloved Jane in not-Chicago. After bribing one doc with a golf tee-off time and blackmailing another with the threat of exposing an affair, he accidentally bumps into Peter, who wasn't supposed to be in that surgery! Zoinks! Peter tells him that he isn't allowed to trade shifts, and as Chief of Staff (and I couldn't even remember if he still WAS Chief of Staff, since they trade around so much - glad to have the reminder!), he will take away all privileges if they help out Michael. What a friend!

Ryan walks into the court of 4616, just in time to hear a bloodcurdling scream. No, it isn't me, forcing myself to sit through this episode; it's our favorite ex-hooker. Sprinting to her rescue, he runs right into her apartment and finds her in front of a spouting kitchen sink. He gets it to stop, and they are all drippy and laughy and about to kiss and I am really getting ill when THANK ALL THAT IS HOLY, Wet-Lips gets all paranoid and accuses the ex-hooker of breaking her sink just when he came into the courtyard so she could check out his reaction. I guess only someone as dim as Ryan could come up with a plot so inane, but hey - it's no worse than most of the plots we get regularly from this show, so I guess I see his logic. He stomps out all insulted and stuff.

The Red Elvises are playing at the Upstairs, and DARN are they red! Doy Boy asks Amanda if she knows why Eve isn't interested in becoming a big rock star. Amanda pleads ignorance.

Peter stands outside Michael's window eavesdropping. Hey! I thought that was Amanda's job! Anyway, Peter tells Michael that he has to relax and get over this obsession with Jane and Alex. Ummm - pot, kettle. Kettle, pot. Wasn't it just mere weeks ago that Peter was staging a kidnapping so he could "rescue" the Jungle Queen? Anyway, Peter tells the paranoid groom that he has a bachelor party planned. Michael asks Peter to be his best man. "Haven't I always been?" Peter asks. Peter asks Michael to join him at Kyle's for dinner, because for Christ's sake there is no other restaurant in town. Michael agrees and walks out. Then he pretends to have forgotten his keys and tells Peter he'll meet him at the car. Michael goes back inside and calls Jane. When Jane answers, he just stands there like a mega-doof and says nothing. Then he hangs up.

Jane hangs up the phone, telling Alex it's a hangup call, "Michael, probably. Poor baby; he's trying so hard not to crowd me." "We all are," responds Alex. What planet are these people from? Neither of these lovesick males have done anything but crowd our poor simple Jane. Alex tells Jane he has something for her - her "wedding present." It's her completed dress. She is stunned and thrilled, and let me just say that any bride who is less than a week away from her wedding and has no idea about the completeness of her dress and still has a strand of hair left on her head has got to be taking some excellent prescription drugs.

Red Elvises Upstairs again. Baby-Lips is sitting alone at a table, when predictably enough, the Empress sidles up in a skintight black dress with some kind of black feathery stuff around the neckline. "How about that encore?" she asks. "How about a whole second show?" he replies, oh so wittily. She dances seductively for him, and then gives him the wiggly finger "come hither" gesture, which gets him up and plastered against her like white on rice. Seeing his younger brother getting it on with his Queen's nemesis, G.I. D'oh grabs Ryan and drags him off to the office. Kyle tells Ryan that Lexi is bad news. Ryan doesn't care, and he leaves the office. When he gets back to the bar, he finds that the Empress has fled. He scans the room, and we note that a LOT of booths are empty. I thought Upstairs was the place to be. I guess not when the Elvises are in town.

At 4616, there's a disembodied hand stroking Eve's hair! Run, Eve! Oh wait, it's only Peter. Eve looks apprehensive, supposedly because she's not used to waking up in someone else's bed, but we all know it's because Peter's black-and-white striped sheets remind her of her old prison uniform. Either that or it's because Peter keeps kissing her with his scary morning breath. "Are you sure you're not getting tired of me?" RuEve asks plaintively, and it's a good thing I'm not the one in bed with her or she'd get an answer she might not like. Peter attempts to make lunch plans, but she tells him she's already got plans with Amanda. Peter starts to get ready for work, leaving Eve alone in bed looking sad. She sure has white teeth.

Quick cut to AWA, where Amanda tells Ryan that she has to cancel a lunch meeting because she's got a date with Kyle, letting us know that (a) Eve was lying in the previous scene and (b) Peter is certain to find out about it. Claiming he has work to do, Ryan calls Lexi, whose zebra-striped dress clashes something awful with a hideous multi-patterned artwork in her office. Ryan apparently got her private line number from a card she left in his booth at the Upstairs last night. Lexi expresses relief that Ryan found it instead of "the next drunk who sat down", which is funny because it doesn't seem like Lexi's all that choosy these days. Ryan and Lexi have a confusing conversation with lots of double meanings, and all of a sudden I feel like I'm ten years old watching "Grease" again and realizing that there was lots of sex talk going on but I didn't understand any of it. Wet-Lip-Boy invites Mood Hair Woman to drop by, to which she replies "there'll have to be another blackout for that", and then hangs up and looks pensive.

We see Eve sneak into the courthouse, as if we didn't already know that's where she was going, and then we find Peter walking through the park eating frozen yogurt with Dr. Visconti the psychiatrist and discussing his feelings for Eve. After that whole incident with Lexi tricking Dr. Visconti into spilling the beans about Amanda's kidnapping plot, you'd think Peter would know better than to discuss personal matters with this clown, but apparently not. What a shock - they come across Amanda and Kyle having lunch together! Peter asks about Eve, and Amanda makes up a good cover story about "errands", but Peter isn't buying it. While Dr. Visconti is all agog about how beautiful our Queen is, Peter is all burned up about her lying to him about Eve's lunch plans. Oh, Peter, if you only knew!

Night has fallen, and at the Upstairs we find Kyle in one of my dad's old shirts. Thank God he didn't borrow one of my father's ties as well. He looks in a folder and then calls a bar in, as the establishing shot tells us, San Francisco. We immediately know the place is a dive because the guy answering the phone is wearing a poorly-fitting purple velour shirt. Doy Boy is checking up on Eve's resume (shouldn't you have done this before hiring her?), and it turns out that she never sang at this other place because they only have a jukebox. Hanging up the phone, Kyle realizes that this can mean only one thing: RuEve hid inside the jukebox and sang the songs people selected, which means that she can do impressions too! Wow!

Back at the apartments, Peter comes to visit Eve, who promptly gets the evening off to a bad start by lying about her lunch with Amanda. Peter busts her, and they take turns interrupting each other until Eve brings out a jewelry box containing a watch, saying that she was going to give it to him later as a surprise. The inscription on the watch reads "For Peter My Love", but Eve rambles on about how she's uncomfortable with the "Love" part, as though space aliens abducted her and forced her to get the watch engraved that way. She could just have added another letter on the beginning, so it read "For Peter My Clove" or "For Peter My Glove", if she was that distressed about it, but I guess she didn't think of that. Peter and Eve fall all over each other apologizing, and he tells her that he wants no more deception. He wants her to promise that there will be no more lies between them and asks her very seriously if there's anything else he should know about her. She of course says no, and they hug, but over Peter's shoulder she is concerned about telling yet another bunch of lies. Then stop doing it, silly!

Now we see disembodied legs going up stairs, but this time it turns out to be Lexi on her way to what appears to be the Lincoln Memorial. She runs into Megan, whose outfit can only be explained by assuming that she's moonlighting as a stewardess, and apologizes for dumping lots of work on her. Despite having to work the red-eye flights, Megan is all right with the heavy workload, because she has no social life. If she misses it that much, she could always go back to her old job. Megan tells Lexi that she's a great role model (sure, if you're a cobra) for succeeding without a man, making me wonder how close they actually are because Megan obviously knows nothing about Lexi's personal life. Megan asks Lexi to dinner, but Mood Hair Woman begs off, pleading a late-night merger. Mm-hmm.

There's a knock at Peter's door and it's Eve with cigars and a bottle of something and naked lady playing cards for his party. What party? Either it's his annual "Porky's" film festival or it's Michael's bachelor party, and I'm sure we'll find out shortly. Peter tells Eve he can't get enough of her and asks her to move in with him. Eve is surprised, as am I - this is sudden even for Melrose. They smooch on the couch as he tells her he'd rather spend time with her than with the "yahoos" who are coming over, and all of a sudden I realize that it's actually a "Gulliver's Travels" party. Eve's going to the movies with Amanda but consents to move in and "get rowdy" with Peter before the guys show up. Fortunately, the phone rings, and it's Amanda saying that she's going to be late. Peter throws the phone on the floor, but we see that Amanda doesn't mind because she's pinned Kyle to the floor and is preparing to get rowdy herself. G.I. D'oh for some reason would rather skip this than be late to the bachelor party, but Amanda reassures him by saying that Ryan won't get there right away either because he's working late.

Sure enough, the next thing we see is Lip-Boy working late. "Hey, Poolman," says a voice from the doorway, and even though I'm laughing pretty hard I can see that it's Lexi in a plush faux fur coat. "Aren't you hot?" blurts Ryan in amazement, and Lexi is so grateful to him for pointing this out that she takes off her coat to reveal sexy lingerie underneath. I'm tempted to ask why the women on this show keep forgetting to put on their clothes, but my instincts tell me that Lexi may have done this on purpose. Ryan attempts to get out of his impending seduction by claiming that he has to go to the bachelor party (what is it with these McBride boys that they'd rather hang out with the guys than get lucky?), but Lexi taunts him until the cheesy guitar music starts and he kisses her. She leads him into Amanda's office and perches temptingly on the desk, and despite Ryan's obvious desire not to mark the Queen's territory he is powerless to Mood Hair's charms. She makes sure the picture of Kyle and Amanda can watch them get it on, but the symbolism is lost on me because all I can think is how glad I am that I won't have to explain to Amanda tomorrow about the condition of her desk.

Back at Yahoo Central, the guys are playing poker and Michael is telling a long shaggy-dog story, to which we're spared the punchline by the arrival of a rather unattractive stripper wearing what seems to be Syd's old Jungle Jane costume. As "Tiffany" starts to strip, Dr. Visconti barks at her, presumably because her undies are mismatched. Suddenly, she begins to cry, as I want to because she's a terrible stripper, and everyone jumps to her aid. Dr. Visconti urges Tiffany to talk about what's bothering her, as if it's not obvious, but it turns out that her boyfriend left her. Fortunately for her, she's in a room with two surgeons, a psychiatrist, and a bartender, all of whom are used to comforting people in times of trouble. Peter helpfully tells her that Michael used to be a stripper and urges him to demonstrate for Tiffany to make her feel better. How this will be therapeutic is beyond me, especially because Peter is the one doing the demonstrating. Please make it stop! Ryan enters and immediately realizes that he must be at the wrong party.

Amanda and RuEve are somewhere drinking coffee and giggling about Peter. Eve likes his boyishness (which to her means chips, dip, and coasters), but Amanda warns her that Peter has a dark side too, which Eve points out she has seen due to her lie of the previous day. Amanda cautions Eve to let her know the next time she's going to be used as an alibi, and Eve says that she did too tell her, and is Amanda calling her a liar? Amanda reassures Eve that she'll take care of her, which should be comforting because it looks like Eve is still someone's bitch after all.

Back at the most depressing bachelor party in history, the stripper is still talking and smoking a big cigar, apparently practicing a Monica Lewinsky impression for her next gig. Tiffany, whose real name is (ironically enough) Donna, bemoans the fragile nature of relationships and the way that sex "screws it up", and this is getting a bit too philosophical for me. Kyle points out that some men like their women at home, although it seems to me that a really good man would like you no matter where you were, and Michael immediately goes into the bedroom to book a flight to Chicago. Peter, sensing disaster, whips a loaded hypodermic needle out of his bag and shoots Michael full of a sedative. I'm tempted to ask if that isn't unethical, but then I remember that this is Peter. Michael passes out on the bed, a big smile on his face, and Ryan walks in and becomes alarmed for the second time that evening, realizing that Peter has just "roofed" Michael and that he could be next if he doesn't watch his back.

Far, far away, Jane unveils the Bastian spring line, which is (a) small and (b) drab. She and Alex drink champagne and congratulate themselves on their brilliant fashion strategy of using only black and white in their designs. I guess brown is no longer "the new black". Ever the perfectionist, Alex the killjoy notices that the beads aren't straight on a particular gown. Where will they ever find a model at this time of night? Jane goes behind a curtain to change into the dress, and Alex leers boozily at her silhouette, so we know that this is the "Peeping Tom" collection. Jane emerges, and we also see that something terrible has happened to the straps on the dress, because they don't match! Alex strokes her shoulders and kisses her - so this is what "fixing the beads" means! He reminds her that they have a tradition to uphold by sleeping together before her wedding to Michael, and even though Jane protests that she can't do this to Michael (again), she sure does kiss him hard as we fade to black.

--written by zinc and Ellen, edited by Stacie

Jane and Michael have their wedding, Lexi rubs herself all over Ryan and says something brilliant about sex, Michael urges Alex to dance with Jane, Megan gets a nasty surprise in the bathroom, and Amanda gasps.