Michael lumbers up to Jane's door with a dozen red roses and a sign that says "Welcome Home Jane." As he tapes the sign to her door, Mr. "White Shadow" Andrews and his wife come up from behind. "Catherine, you are looking lovely as always. How was your flight? And George, ol' boy, thanks for coming out for the wedding," Michael says in a frighteningly Eddie Haskell-like manner. To Michael's dismay, Jane is not with them, nor was she on the plane. Maybe she's in the laundry room with a detonator! Oh, how the tension mounts! Mr. Andrews comments that "Maybe Jane's come to her senses," which is odd, because wasn't it just last week that Jane told Alex that her father said he hoped this marriage to Michael would last longer than the previous one? Anyway, Michael buffoonishly leaves his ex-and-soon-to-be-again-in-laws standing and holding their bags in the courtyard as he rushes to his apartment. He dials Alex's number from memory, and when Alex picks up the phone, he actually talks to him instead of hanging up, which causes Alex to make a funny and say, "Michael! You usually hang up by now. That's your pattern, right? Wait til you hear my voice then hang up?" Alex tells Michael that's it's possible that Jane missed her flight since they were up late the night before "celebrating." Oooooh, that Alex is a nasty boy!

Just in case the suspense was killing us, we see Amanda arriving at Jane's hotel room, which is "five minutes away from [her] apartment." Jane, strong drink in hand, whimpers that she thinks the wedding is a big mistake. She mentions her trip with Alex and confesses, "I kissed him; I mean I really kissed him." When Amanda asks if they had sex, she replies, "No! I didn't! But I thought about it. How bad is that? I'm thinking about having sex with another man the night before my wedding. The same man I slept with the night before my first wedding!" "At least you're consistent," quips Amanda. ZING! Amanda assures Jane that it's just "Pre-wedding jitters. The best cure for that is a honeymoon." Wasn't it just last week that Amanda was playing the subservient Igor to Alex's Mad Scientist? Didn't she basically agree to break up Michael and Jane and pimp out Jane to Alex to keep the Bastian account? Guess the writers must take turns with episodes and not bother to read the week previous. Or they're on the same prescription drugs that are causing Jane to have any iota of a thought that marrying Michael is anything but a huge huge mistake. Hmmmm.

Then we get the credits and find out that our good buddy Potsie Weber is directing this episode. And we get an Old Navy commercial, and I have to say that I used to buy clothes there, but after all the annoying ads they have with TV has-beens, my tolerance is so low for anything Old Navy that I almost want to build a bonfire in my back yard and roast marshmallows over the stuff. And considering that they only ask TV has-beens to be in their commercials, how galling would it be to have them ask you to be on their commercial? Would that be a big slap in the face wake-up call that your popularity had truly hit rock bottom? I shudder to think of it.

Anyway, back at our favorite apartment building, the Empress and Wet-Baby-Lip-Boy are all morning breathy in the kitchen over coffee. Lexi wonders when they will have an awkward moment. There is a knock at the door, and Baby-Lips realizes it's his rowdy bro, G.I. D'oh, coming over to get him to play B-ball. Zoinks! Ryan sends the Lexi to the bedroom to hide as he opens the door. Kyle hands Wet-Lips a juice and tells him he looks tired. Then Mr. Observant notices a bottle of champagne on Ryan's kitchen table, and he asks him who his date was last night. Ryan lets it slip that his "date" is still there, and Kyle quickly exits. Lexi walks back into the room wearing nothing but black undies. She opens the blinds, just to begin the day with a little exhibitionism. "Someone could be watching!" shrieks Ryan. Duh - you think that might be her goal, Buckethead? Lexi wants to hook up later that night, but Ryan tells her he's going to Jane's wedding.

We see Kyle bouncing his basketball as he walks back across the courtyard. Peter tells him that Amanda can rent out Eve's place immediately and that he'll need another key to his apartment. Ever hear of a hardware store, Peter? Get your own key made. Lexi looks through Ryan's window at Peter. "One that got away?" asks Baby-Lips. "No, I had to throw him back. He was too small," retorts the Empress. So cold..

Michael frantically tries to locate his missing Jane. Amanda comes to his door just as he's on the phone asking someone named Pam if she knows where Jane is. As Amanda tells him that she's found Jane, he hangs up on Pam. He's pretty good at that whole hanging up business, isn't he? Shutting him off in mid-freakout, Amanda tells Michael to relax and just show up at the church.

Time has obviously passed, because now we are over at the Mood Hair Empress's abode, where Lip-Boy is zipping up her black dress. "So this is the big emergency you called me about?" he asks. "C'mon, what did you want me to do? Go to my business dinner with my dress unzipped down to my ass?" she purrs. As Ryan tries unsuccessfully to ignore her charms, she envelops him in her wicked spell and they begin to voraciously tonsil wrestle. All of a sudden, Megan shows up and lets herself in! Great security system! I sure would feel safe living there. Megan is on her way to the wedding, and when Lexi asks if she's bringing a date, she proceeds to trash Ryan, saying he was sweet and romantic but soon became arrogant. Funny - I thought he was arrogant from day one.

Over at the church, Michael paces about in the back like the dweebasaurus he is. Peter tells him to go over his vows, and let me just add here that no heterosexual male would EVER think to suggest that, but we'll just suspend our disbelief all together, now, okay? Michael spouts "Jane, you were my first wife, my favorite wife, and I hope to God my last wife" as Peter stares slack-jawed. Peter suggests something more romantic about previous loves not mattering and other blathering stuff. Michael asks Peter if Eve is his inspiration, and I have to point out here that Peter is about the most fickle man on the planet. First of all, no woman can hold a candle to his dear departed Beth (don't even get me started on the whole Taylor-pretending-to-be-Beth ridiculosity), then it's Amanda who completes his lifelong dreams, and now it's Eve. It's like on the soaps when a Tad and Dixie or a Frisco and Felicia are touted as soulmates and the "one true love" for the other, especially after one of the lovers "dies" just to come back later and reunite the two and eventually they break up, which kind of kills the whole "only person in the world who completes me" mumbo jumbo, and let me also add that when years ago on 90210 Dylan did his whole spiritual hoo hah and found out that Kelly was his soulmate throughout his past lives and then he left the show, I figured that they either forgot about it or maybe we were supposed to just figure that after the show gets cancelled that Dylan and Kelly would eventually ride off into the sunset together, but now that Luke Perry couldn't make it as a movie star and is coming back to the show, maybe, just maybe, the writers will remember that the two of them were supposed to last forever and we'll see that happen. Maybe. I'm not holding my breath.

Meanwhile, Amanda is getting Jane ready for the wedding. Jane is incessantly spazzing out about the wedding being a mistake, saying "Maybe I should have a blindfold and a cigarette," and I think I would rather have that blindfold to block out her hellish dress with those two absurd butterflies attached to one strap and that disturbing poof of a veil. Jane complains that it's "all wrong" and passes out on the bed that's conveniently placed behind her.

Now I have never been to a wedding where there wasn't any kind of "waiting for the show to begin" music while the guests are being seated, but I guess this just adds to the dramatic tension as the guests all look around with confused looks on their faces since the wedding is obviously delayed. Michael learns that the limo has finally arrived, and Amanda begins walking down the center aisle. Michael signals the dorkiest looking organist I have ever seen, who begins playing the ubiquitous "Here Comes the Bride" theme. Amanda rushes to Michael to tell him that she's sorry, but "Jane's not coming." Wow. Do you think she's finally realized how much of a loser Michael is and gone back to Chicago? Or maybe joined up with a gun cult or something? Michael, crushed like a grape under a combat boot, stops the organist and turns to the congregation. He tries to make light of the situation, telling a joke. He says that if his father were there, he would have a good joke. And speaking of Michael's family, where are they? Couldn't Jen and Billy have flown back from Italy for the weekend? What about Valerie Harper? Was she not available, or just out of budget? Maybe she's busy filming an "Old Navy" commercial. Anyway, he begins with "A guy walks into a bar..." and then goes into "A guy and his wife have been married for 50 years. They go to the doctor, and the wife says... the wife says... you know what? There is no wife, and there is no wedding. And, uh, that's the joke." Yeah, whatever. I guess at that level of emotional stress you're allowed some stupidity, so we'll just cut him a big ol' slice of slack. K?

So the next day or later that day or something, Michael opens his apartment door to find Jane apologizing, cuz that's what the Melrose women do best. "Michael, I'm sorry," she blithers. "Please let me explain." She tells him that she had a panic attack, that she get swept away with her work with Alex in Chicago, that she has a bad habit of letting work take priority to her life, etc. She begs for a second chance, which Michael denies her. He tells her he's signed up for a double shift in the ER and skulks off all pouty and grumpy.

At the only restaurant in town, Kyle confides to his Queen that RuEve lied about all of her references on her resume. Why was he calling to check on references after she already took the job and is doing so well? If it's because she didn't want that record deal, that's the lamest thing I have ever heard and I don't even want to know. Anyway, Amanda shrugs him off and goes to sit by Peter. Our happy little matchmaker asks him to try to convince Michael to take Jane back. "Haven't you ever done anything incredibly stupid that you wish to God you could take back?" asks Amanda. OOOEEEE! If we could document every stupid thing Peter has done relationship-wise alone, it would fill volumes. So he agrees to help out, as a favor to his Queen, and his pager goes off. He gets up to leave, saying "I assume lunch is on the house? Thanks." What an opportunist! Go Peter Go!

In another time-lapse scene change, Peter is at the hospital, where he bumps into Michael. He tells Michael that he has a patient who only speaks Italian, and he needs Michael to translate. They walk into what looks like a chapel, which turns out to be completely decorated for a wedding with all of the Melrosians and "friends" gathered with Jane in her wedding dress with that awful poof of veil clamped onto her skull. Jane has memorized her sappy vows, which she spews teary-eyedly, ending with "you are my one true love," which we all know is the kiss of death in Soapland. Touched, Michael reads the vows Peter wrote, and then stops in a moment of great emotional gushiness. "Look," he simpers, "I don't deserve you, but if you'll have me, I'll be a better man because of it." The minister does his thing, referring to Jane as Jane Andrews, and I just wonder when she went about changing her name, since when she left the show - hell, even just last week - she was still Jane Mancini. Whatever. They exchange rings, and they are married. Again.

The unusually calm wedding reception plows on at Kyle's, with the house bass player plucking his strings and the piano man playing. Jane's mom dances with Michael. She compliments Michael, saying that although she had her doubts about him (who doesn't), his wonderful words of wedding vow-dom wooed her to heart. Sounds like all you guys should be calling her up for a date. Jane cuts in with her new hubby as mom mamboes away.

Amanda waltzes in. An amazed Kyle is overly impressed with how his wife managed to get our lovebirds back into the chapel after the first launch failed. Kyle, we have a plot to preserve! As he toasts her, Designer-King Alex pops in to survey the action, saying he felt "compelled to watch". I think he means Jane undressing, not the reception. Amanda admonishes him not to try to steal Jane's heart back. As if it means anything, he snidely remarks that Jane is now a married woman. Tsk tsk. And don't worry, Amanda, he's not taking his business elsewhere either.

Now to the untrained eye it appears that Lexi and Megan are dating. They're each other's date to this thingie anyway. Megan remarks to the beauty of the wedding vows. Lexi says she was just hoping to see a second stiffing - of Michael by Jane of course. I mean blowing off, oh, whatever. Megan confesses for the 415th time that "she could use a guy". Lexi says "save the crap for someone who cares" - our sentiments exactly. The psychiatrist cuts in and grabs Megan to dance.

Amanda informs Eve that First Lieutenant Detective Kyle has traced her fake references to San Frannie and elsewhere. RuEve, ever the comedian, says that a blank resume just might not look so good. Amanda warns her that Kyle will pry around and eventually find out about Eve - and then about Amanda. Oh the suspense!! Wait, I thought he said the two of them could live through anything together? Eve vows to be more careful.

Designer King runs into Mike at the reception. Since he asks for a dance with the bride, I'd like to call him "El Cojones". Mike poo-poos the idea, saying "go ahead, see what you'll be missing." Mikey insists he can't be made angry - even if the guy kissed her in Chicago. El Cojones says "How do you feel about 'tongue'?" Michael then looks quite peeved. "Burn that into your brain, Mancini." Personally I think tongue makes a great luncheon meat.

Mood Hair is drunk again, but this is to be expected. She cuts in on Peter and Eve dancing, warning the poor girl about the perils of living and dealing with Peter. Peter chases her away like the subway beggar she is. She cuts in on Wet-Lips, to the chagrin of the lady he is with, a humdrum extra doing a bad British accent. She dances like most girls do (and should) after several hours binging at a reception - real dirty. "Not here - this is a wedding", says Ryan. Apparently he don't go to too many weddings. Ryan prudely declares her too lascivious, ala "Footloose", and banishes her to the bar downstairs. She will search for a "real man" there.

Meantime on the dance floor, the Shrink is boring our favorite hooker-saint to death with details about some study or other that I don't want to detail here - so I WON'T. Ryan runs downstairs, casually walking into the ladies room and finding Lexi. Most of us risk getting hurled out by a bouncer for this. Lock the door, she says. He scolds her for embarrassing him upstairs. She manages to cajole him into some sex right there on the sink, which he desires at the FAST pace. So much for shame and embarrassment. But, as it is a ladies room, Megan walks on in - and out. Lip-Boy chases after her.

Jane continues her decadance dance with Alex, who comments on her lovely pearl necklace. Who gave that to you, baby?... She loves the dress, and thanks him by hugging him dearly. Michael, looking on from his angry chair, smirks in disgust. Oh, great it's time for the toast, compliments of Peter. It's just a droll thing about "true love twice", etcetera. But as long as it ends in "congratulations" you get the idea. The crowd claps, and now it's Mikey's turn to play drunk. After a few crowd warming lines, Michael asks, "How was Chicago, Jane?" Jane is not amused. "They were making clothes, and making out," he slurs. Jane is really not amused. Michael rehashes the whole story of them and "Alex Bastard" from high school on. For plot purposes, unlike the real world, no one has yanked him or turned off the PA system. Michael delivers the coup-de-Jane by revealing the pre-wedding party she had with Malibu Alex - allegedly twice. She jumps offstage, demanding a divorce. A new standard is now set in the Melrose Guinness Book Of World Records. This time of marriage is even shorter than Amanda-Kyle's first by days. Jane storms outside to a waiting taxi. Taxi? Alex jumps in with her. She tells the lucky driver "His place, please" and tosses the bouquet out the window onto the asphalt.

The band plays on to their last guest, Michael, who is soloing on his wine bottle. Blowing into it, that is. After he demands a final song, drunk Megan walks in. Another record is set - category "Most cast Members Inebriated, Single Episode (60 minutes)" Michael explains all of what just happened, which Megan missed at the bar. They laugh like idiots. Megan then points out "Did you actually see Jane and Alex having sex?" Duh, nope nope, says Mikey. They look better together drunk than they ever did sober. Megan tells Mike about Ryan and Lexi boinking on the sink. Boy, they need each other now more than ever. Like their lives before them, the drunken fools fall on the floor.

By the looks of the ornate front gates on "Alex Bastard's" house, we can call the place DisGraceLand. Inside, Jane pines on about what a fool she was for begging Michael to marry her. Alex uses the infernal line, "I'm here for you." Translation: "I'd like to use this opportunity to have sex with you." Jane tells Alex he's been "incredible" through this - and they haven't even gone to bed yet. Not bad.

Now Jane somehow seamlessly finds her way to Malibu Alex's clothing storage room, where astonishingly she finds an original brand-new line of clothing. He is using none of the designs they made in Chicago - the rogue!! Genius has figured it out - all that work in Chicago was a big ploy for Alex to get close to her. After a misplaced "Jane, I love you", she smacks him in the chest and runs downstairs. She has no one to run to, having expended a husband AND a fling. Alex, crud that he is, tells her that her body is all that'll get her anywhere in this biz. She sees his evil ways and takes off, unapologetic to her biggest client. Well, well, the old, abused Jane that the writers swore up and down we'd not see again has returned I see!!

The two drunkards Mike and Megan return to Megan's apartment. She remembers she has no liquor. Yeah it really looks like time for a shot huh? Mike's ready to engage in perhaps the first graphic non-"Cops" hurling scene ever on FOX and says he wants to "jump off a roof." ROOF!! Megan remembers her little secret place Ryan took her. See, the nice guys are always clearing the way for the bad boys to get lucky. Michael is insulted that she took him to heart. Megan only wants to hang out.

They arrive at Baby-Lips' apartment. The door's locked so Mike kicks it down on the second try. Of course as we know, all drunken people have superior strength and agility. But not coordination... Megan stumbles and knocks over Ryan's CD rack. Michael laughs it off, and grabs a few beers out of the fridge. Right now, he is reminding me of Anton (Damon Wayans) from "In Living Color". They go through the bedroom to the porch. Watch out guys, Lexi and Ryan may be having sex out there or something! He leads the way out onto the ledge - yes the ledge - to the roof. Prepare for that big lawsuit, kids!

Jane laments to Amanda, sounding like Steve Martin from "The Jerk". "I don't have a husband, I don't have a client, I probably don't have a job... I don't even have any shoes on..." Funny. She weeps.

The two drunk-birds are safely on the roof. Send home the tort lawyers! Michael opines about how he believes the Mood Hair Empress likes talking dirty. We know, we know. Duh. Megan says she had been looking for Ryan earlier at the party to tell him how much she cared about him. I guess you just have to say those things in the bathroom. Editorial note to women: In the future please try to tell us you care BEFORE COMPLETELY STIFFING US AND NOT CALLING BACK. Megan now believes both Ryan AND Lexi are cretins. Mike says Megan's a wonderful person undeserving of that treatment. Megan says he's a wonderful person like ten times. We're all wonderful, honey!!

Ryan comes home to find his apartment "ransacked". On the roof, the Tipsters are struggling with the chaise lounges. They keep their beer buzz alive. Way to go troopers! They climb into one chaise lounge with Megan on top ready to go. Lexi would be so proud of her apprentice.

Amanda downstairs is removing Jane's dress which I'm hoping will slip and fall prematurely. That would be more interesting than the talking. Jane logically does not want to see Michael again.

Back on the roof, Michael declares his quandary: It's his wedding night and he's not gonna get any - that is bad!! Megan laughs. Michael asks Megan to help him out of the predicament. After all, she is "familiar with the equipment". They get ready to git it on.

Amanda and Jane are in bed - platonically - don't get excited - eating ice cream. Off the diet for once. Amanda makes a failed attempt at sticking up for Michael. Even Jesus can't do that. Jane says she was an "easy fix" for him because he didn't have to go through the trouble of finding a "brand new" love interest.

Ryan reports to his brother Kyle about the code 1983 - break in residential. Doy Boy gets ready to help.

Back to bed. As the girls continue to bitch about Michael, Amanda finally gets Jane to agree that maybe she should talk to him to fix things up. Jane says she doesn't even know where to find him. God always answers prayers on Melrose through Divine Intervention as we can see. The ladies see the ceiling begin to give way. They jump out of bed and at that moment through the faulty structurally unsound roof come crashing down - MEGAN AND MIKE. They land right in Mandy's bed. The promos were misleading as usual - no Amanda does not utter the s-word. She gets to holy sh..., and the bed collapses, under the weight of our two enruptured lovers. Hey did those litigation lawyers get back to the office yet? Let's pray that, as always, nobody was hurt in the making of this movie.....

--written by zinc and Anthony, edited by Stacie

(coming soon)