We open where we left off last week at the inn in Oakhurst where Peter and Eve are supposed to get married. Queen Amanda shuts the door so she, RuEve, and GI D'oh can talk about the urder-may in ivacy-pray. Despite Amanda's assertion that what happened was ancient history and Eve's pleas that she wants to go on with her life, Kyle feels it's his duty to tell his new bestest buddy Peter about Eve's prison time. Hoping to stall him, Amanda begins to tell him the story as Eve takes off her headband in frustration. The flashback is shown in black and white to keep us from getting confused, but seeing Flashback Amanda in a high school cheerleader outfit is confusing enough for me. Basically, it's more or less the same old story: Boy meets girl, boy sneaks girl into parents' house for sex, boy breaks up with girl and puts the moves on her best friend, boy learns that no really means no as he's pushed off the bleachers, girl buries boy in ditch, girl is caught and spends 15 years in the pokey. The really useful part of this scene is that we finally learn how Matt found out about this: Amanda went to visit Eve in prison outside of San Francisco once a month and ran into Matt as he was counseling AIDS patients there. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm glad we got this cleared up, although I'm slightly disappointed that Eve apparently didn't have a sex change after all. Kyle still wants to tell Peter, but Eve insists "It's in the past, it's over, it's not who I am anymore." "Your Past Makes You Who You Are," retorts Confucius Kyle. Our queen begs her Doy Boy not to tell, for her sake if nothing else, and he agrees unhappily as Amanda reminds Eve that she's "got a wedding to get ready for."

After a promo for the "Psycho" remake, here we are back at the inn, and I find myself reminded of the house that looms above the Bates Motel. Peter is nervously checking his watch by the pool as Kyle skulks up looking so unhappy and unexcited about the impending nuptials that I can't imagine why Peter doesn't pick up on it. Amanda fwoofs up RuEve's hair and gives her a big hug, and then this dreadful nauseating song comes on and this must be some kind of record because I have never reached for the Tums this quickly. Eve joins everyone else (meaning Amanda, Kyle, Peter, and a clergyman) at the altar, um, pool, and begins talking about how all the heartache and sadness in her life have vanished and all she feels is joy. Oh, just wait, Eve. Peter pledges his love to Eve and promises that their future will be together forever and then orders the rev to make it snappy so the horrible song can come back on and Pete and Eve can kiss and Amanda can mouth a silent thank-you to Kyle as Peter and Eve continue to kiss. Whew!

Megan has accompanied Jane to her doctor's appointment, and I ask myself when she and Jane became such good friends. The doctor has bad news for Jane - the results of her biopsy were inconclusive, and the doc wants to do a lumpectomy to check for malignancy. Jane cries softly as Megan takes her hand and the doctor assures her that Michael doesn't have to know about this. This scene is actually pretty depressing.

Back at the inn, the Queen is teasing Peter about finding love and cheering up, and he thanks her for orchestrating his and Eve's relationship. "You Can't Orchestrate Love," replies the ever-wise Amanda. RuEve and Kyle sort of bury the hatchet and agree to try to be friends, and then Peter puts his arm around Kyle to thank him for being his best man - I thought Kyle hated Peter's guts, but perhaps he's just glad to see Peter in love with someone who's not Amanda. On the way to the car, Amanda thanks Doy Boy for keeping her secret, to which he ominously replies that "One Thing I Know About Secrets Is That They Don't Stay Secret Forever." Where does Kyle come up with this nonsense? He and Amanda drive away as Eve and Peter kiss on the porch. Someone get the Chap Stick!

At Wilshire Memorial, Michael runs into Jane and hassles her about why she's at the hospital. She tells him, "Didn't you hear? Alex Bastian was here for a physical - I just ravished him in his hospital gown." Good one, Jane! The "Can this marriage be saved?" poster twins continue to argue until Megan shows up and begins to walk off arm-in-arm with Jane. Has our favorite ex-hooker always been this snuggly, or do I need to take off my Freud glasses? As usual, Michael cannot fathom that his ex-wives would be able to talk about anything except him (and you have to admit that he'd be fodder for many the three-martini lunch) and forbids Jane and Megan from having lunch together. He tries to restrain Jane, but she threatens him with a harassment suit, reminding him that she had a good teacher when he tells her how scary she's become.

Amanda and Kyle stop by AWA on the way home to discover that the place has been overrun by babies. Lots of them. All crying. Have I mentioned that there are lots of babies here? It appears that the babies are there to audition for some ad campaign, or at least that's what Caveman Ryan (thanks for the new nickname, Michael!) says as he's found improperly holding a fussy baby in Amanda's office. He tries to pawn the baby off onto Amanda, who holds up her hands in terror, so Kyle takes the tyke and of course calms it down almost instantly. Amanda goes all soft and gooey as she watches the touching scene, and my stomach goes all sour and acidic, so pardon me while I get some more Tums.

Megan is in her apartment looking at papers - far cry from her busy evenings as a call girl - when there's a knock at the door. Michael barges in and complains about how Megan is taking Jane's side after he's helped her so much in the past, such as when he helped her escape her parents' Napa Valley garden parties (he did? I thought she ran off of her own volition to become a hooker) and married her and helped her start a new life and stuff. Megan tries to tell him that what's going on with Jane has nothing to do with him, so he resorts to playing 20 Questions with himself. He immediately arrives at the conclusion that Jane must be pregnant by Alex. "She's having that Viking worm's baby!" he screams, in what will be hard to top as the funniest line of the show. Megan tells him that Jane's not pregnant, but he can't figure out why else two women would hold each other's hands in a hospital. I can think of several reasons, none of them pertinent to this case, but Michael finally correctly deduces that Jane is sick. Megan won't tell him the details, but when Michael threatens to use his (ahem) considerable influence at the hospital to investigate, Megan spills the beans. Michael looks concerned.

Back at the Psycho House, Peter and Eve are still kissing and wondering how to make the evening memorable. Shall I draw a picture? They smooch their way into their room to find Norman Bates all dressed up with a big knife ready to pounce! Okay, maybe not, but they find something even scarier - Mood Hair Woman naked in front of the fire! Eeeeeeeeekkkkkk! Not surprisingly, a big argument ensues, and Peter throws Lexi out. She threatens to tell about his role in Amanda's kidnapping, but he threatens her right back by reminding her that "If I had Amanda kidnapped, what do you think I could have done to you?" He scares Lexi - and me too - and goes back upstairs, telling Eve that nothing will ever come between them again. Yeah, right.

After some more commercials, Wet-Baby-Lip-Boy and Her Highness are outside some office building and he is chiding Amanda for not backing him up during a presentation. She pleads absent-mindedness, which could certainly explain her frumpy-yet-trampy red power suit with the trumpet-shaped knee-length skirt and great big shoulder pads, and proceeds to stand in front of the fastest-moving mail truck in history. Fortunately, Ryan the Boy Scout is there to save the day, and he knocks her out of the way just in time. Amanda contemplates her mortality as Ryan warns her that if she doesn't start paying attention, she won't get to spend another second with Kyle. Thanks, Caveman!

Jane is somewhere giving her deposition for the divorce. Michael is not there, which looks bad, but he rushes in at the last minute complaining of an emergency at the hospital. Makes me want to be a doctor so I too can have important-sounding excuses for being late - saying "I had to see the end of 'Judge Judy'" doesn't sound as good. Michael willingly answers the questions from Jane's attorney, being even more flippant than usual (if such a thing is possible), but what tips Jane off is that he's admitting everything, and we can all count on one hand the number of times he'd done that. Jane asks the lawyers to leave, at which point she confronts Michael and tells him that she doesn't want him to back off, that she's going to beat him fair and square. Didn't Marcia say that on one of those "boys against girls" Brady Bunch episodes once?

Some dude named Jon Ernst is playing at the Upstairs, but the Empress isn't interested - she's drinking stingers to celebrate Peter's marriage. Kyle cuts her off and tells her to go home just as Ernst exhorts us to "Put your hands together, get with the beat" and then it turns into one of those really embarrassing moments where everyone says "Woooo!" and claps way off the rhythm as the musical guest plays really lame non-get-down music. Fortunately, Lexi begins heckling Ernst, pushing him aside and taking over the microphone to rant about how crappy love is. I would count this as part of the Profound Platitudes series, but somehow "Romance Is Bogus" doesn't have the same ring as the other pearls of wisdom we've been given so far tonight. Before she can break into her cover of "Love Stinks" by the J. Geils Band, everyone who still talks to her (Ryan, Megan, and Kyle) shows up to take her away. She tells "Dudley Do-Right" Ryan to get his hands off her just before she falls off the stage - go, Lexi! Wet-Lips carries her off - through the restaurant, which I'm sure delights both Kyle and the diners - and plops her down on the bar as he and Hooker Girl argue about who can take better care of her. Where's the health inspector when you need him? Lexi takes a swing at Ryan and falls off the bar, at which point Megan admits that perhaps she does need some help with Mood Hair Woman after all.

We are spared the undoubtedly unpleasant ride home, and the next thing we see is Lip-Boy and Hooker Girl putting the Empress in bed and arguing about who should stay to keep an eye on her. Personally, I would choose to leave. Ryan and Megan hear yelling and find Lexi on the balcony rail wailing about Peter trying to kill her, but they chalk it up to drunken rambling. Lexi falls on Ryan and is put back to bed, where she curls up and passes out.

At 4616 for the first time tonight, our Queen is on the phone worried about where her minion is, but fortunately he shows up right then. Amanda's feeling kind of freaked out after her near-miss with the truck earlier in the day, and she tells Kyle that she thinks it's an omen along with stuff like seeing Kyle and the baby the other day. Amanda is classifying all of these signs under the general rubric of "You Never Know When Your Time Is Up," which of course means that it's time to slip into something sexy. Looking for her nightie, Amanda discovers that she's out of birth control pills, which she interprets as "another sign" that it's "time for [them] to make a baby," despite her horror at being handed an infant earlier in the week. This will turn out well.

We're breaking new sexual ground every week here. Megan and Ryan wake up in bed together - in Lexi's apartment! Lip-Boy jokes that he and his favorite hooker have finally "slept together." That should help his cause. Megan thanks him anyway for helping her guard the red-haired maniac through the night. Ryan assures her that there is really nothing going on between him and the Empress. He was just trying to get one up on Megan due to her lack of attention. Megan apologizes, and then we discover that Lexi has been listening the whole time. This woman belongs on the UNSCOM team in Iraq - I'll bet she'll pick up every key Hussein convrsation. Lexi thanks the two dolts for their help. She then sickens us all by making one of them "born-again" vows to change her ways and "pull herself up by her bootstraps." That should be broken by about 8:47 PM, I'd say. "No more men, just money, power, and success," she swears. Sounds like "Ellen." For her first beneficial act, she tries to spot-matchmake with Megan and Ryan. "Start some fireworks," she tells Megan. Megan walks away. What? No witty repartee between the two ex-lovebugs? Thank you, Melrose writing staff!!

G.I. D'oh and his Queen are driving one of them beach-side roads that looks like the one Megan broke down on several weeks ago. As Amanda rattles on about kids and how many and all that, the truck runs out of gas. Funny how we all forget the little things. Amanda, at the ready, gives a call to AAA to take advantage of that annual towing plan. Kyle hops out and decides to have a picnic anyway - right there. They walk over and marvel at the ocean as if they haven't seen the thing 50,000 times already! They daydream out loud about building their long-sought-after dream house on the spot. And lo and behold, there's a sign. No, I mean a wooden one with a for sale logo and a phone number to call. As they come closer to read it, they push away some brush on the bottom and discover that this bit of heaven will cost $400,000. I must interrupt here for the sake of reality. Any competent real estate owner can tell you that you NEVER post the price, especially for premium land, because you want people to call and because you never know who's gonna offer you a better price. Just had to get that out. Anyhow, these two numbnuts reel in dismay as if they couldn't possibly imagine that beachfront property on the Pacific Ocean would cost THAT much. "I wish I had barrelfulls of cash," muses Kyle. Folks, let me get my megaphone. YOU BOTH OWN BUSINESSES AND HAVE ACCESS TO TONS OF CAPITAL! Didn't Peter just return the "kidnapping" money a few short weeks ago? Thank you.

Back to the honeymooners. Peter is taking Eve down to the wine cellar for a bit of dinner. He opens up the iron entrance gate as Eve stares on nervously. I think the dumbest of us can see where this is going. The prison flashbacks begin. Peter wants her to sit down for some wine, but her Freak-Out-O-Meter shoots past ten, and she runs out, struggling with the locked gate. Peter opens the gate, and she runs outside. She makes like she just has claustrophobia or something. Strange - she loves singing in cramped smoky clubs. She believes she's ruined the honeymoon, but Peter says his only fear is losing her and embraces her. And I, in turn, embrace my economy-sized jug o' Tums.

The band Lexi tortured earlier is back on stage at Kyle's singing, appropriately, "Slow Down Bad Girl." Born again Mood Hair walks in and approaches Kyle and Amanda. Doy Boy recalls that he expelled her last time. She then proceeds to spread the word of her "conversion" and proceeds to, guess what, apologize. Yes that's right. For everything, even stuff going back to Savannah. She says those that are truly successful are honest and trustworthy. Well I think you're living in the wrong universe, babe. As she departs, Kyle and Amanda give her performance thumbs down. Smart.

Jane comes back home to her apartment and Michael follows her in. He admonishes her not to gallavant around. He has perused all her x-rays and medical records and wants to help her. Now she hasn't thrown him out yet. She's clearly broken up. As she starts crying, she asks him to spend the night there. He hugs her. How tragedy can bring the most foolish among us together.

Kyle is back on Dream Plot, surveying the property he is about $13.54 away from owning. Then a black stretch limo pulls up onto the grass. Guess it's the owner. Yep...he tells Kyle this is private property. Kyle identifies himself as the one who made him the offer on the phone earlier. "That's ridiculous, I turned you down," says the old fellow. Kyle says it was all he had. He figured out that the owner would be here on Friday and had to see him in person. "Sorry you've wasted your time" mutters the old guy. Kyle tries what we call the DESTINY approach and explains how he and Amanda accidentally stumbled across the land and just had to have it and it was DESTINY. The guy calls the DESTINY stuff hogwash. Kyle tries a little more hogwash, liking talking about how Amanda was almost run over and got saved by Ryan. Then the old guy gives Kyle a real tale with a bite. Apparently the man had purchased the property for himself and his wife to build THEIR dream house. On the day they were to break ground, she died - in a freak car accident, mind you. Big faux pas, Kyle!! Well, after one last try, G.I. D'oh gives up. "Destiny, hey," says the gentleman, "Well you can't blame a guy for trying..."

Back at AOL-Netscape-Sterling, Lexi is flying all over the place like she has a real function. She's popping orders to Julie, among them to send Amanda a dozen roses to bury the hatchet. As Megan analyzes her slides in the next room, boy-next-door Ryan calls to invite her to dinner. Another dis - she's too busy. She gives him a maybe for another time.

It's nighttime now, and Doy Boy has returned to Dream Plot. Our Queen pulls up in her Jaguar - proof that these are not the caliber of people who can afford this land. Kyle shines a flashlight to the sign for Amanda. To their dismay, there's a big SOLD sign across it. Could the dream be over? Nay, "Check out this sign," says Kyle. Turns on the headlights and boom, a fully set table with a banner above that says "WELCOME HOME AMANDA." Does he actually have the time and will to do this himself or does he hire two Mexican guys as busboys? "It's ours baby," he yells. As she jumps and straddles him, I wonder if a horror movie plot can be dredged from this, like "The Curse of the First Owner's Dead Wife" or something. We can make this show like Days of Our Lives.

Mike enters Jane's recovery room at the hospital. He congratulates her on her clean bill of health after surgery and analysis. Good - we didn't need THAT plot again. Michael tells her basically that HIS whole life with her flashed before HIS eyes while SHE was in surgery. He believes the celibate night they spent together was ultimately important. The pettiness and mistrust must end, he says. He wants to go right to the honeymoon. Jane, with the sad music playing in the background, tells him to listen. The night they spent together did not change her mind about the marriage split. They are not gonna be together, she just needed someone to be there as a friend. We all hate that line I know!! Michael is angered - "I'm your lover." She does not want turmoil anymore - just peace and happiness. Michael angrily screams that he can be peaceful and happy also. He doesn't wanna be friends. Now he wants a messy divorce - he wants a wipeout. He slams the door behind him. Yeah. He sure CAN be peaceful and happy, can't he?

Back at 4616, the Halloween soundtrack is playing. One of those monster-cams is hovering around the pool. It approaches the door to Eve and Peter sleeping. She wakes up to a knock on the door. I hope it isn't her probation officer. As she gets to the door and pulls up the shade, she sees the dude she murdered looking zombie-like. She wakes up screaming and panting. Peter comforts her - he's got to figure this out soon.

--written by Ellen and Anthony, edited by zinc

Coming up in two weeks: Amanda tells Ryan she's grooming him to take over the company... Peter and Eve walk into his office to find Lexi and Amanda together chatting at peace... Amanda wants a baby - she's ovulating and wants Kyle right now!!