Then we get a vomitous remake of that scene we were submitted to a few weeks ago. Remember when Wet-Baby-Lip-Boy and our favorite ex-hooker were in their separate abodes thinking about each other and pining and stuff and we were forced to watch a second of Ryan and then a second of Megan and back and forth again and again until we felt a vile grinding pain in our innards? Well, the writers obviously either liked that scene a lot or thought we'd be too dim to remember, so they went for the same sap. Lucky us. Let me clench back some bile and get through this fast. Just like ripping off a bandage. Ryan, shaving, talking to mirror, practicing asking Megan out. Megan, putting on makeup (with brand new haircut that looks pretty darn good, actually), talking to mirror, practicing asking Ryan out, wearing a really really tight black scoop neck dress. Me, stomach churning, angrily crunching down a handful of Tums. They both leave their respective homes, bump into each other, stumble about with asking each other out, and make plans for eight. I heave a big sigh of relief as this excruciating scene comes to a halt.

Still at 4616, we see her majesty's window, curtain drawn. Since her life revolves around doing the reproduction rumba with Kyle, Amanda no longer needs to peep, I suppose. Anyway, she goes to her minion wearing a black sweater with a black skirt of a slightly different shade of black with a zipper most apparent in the back, with a list of decrees: all the queen's men must wear boxers, not soak in hot tubs, not have sex.... Doy Boy is a bit confused, and so am I. Aren't these things that couples do when they have had fertility problems? I guess our Queen just wants to overachieve in every aspect of her life. G.I. D'oh asks her if that is really necessary (echoing my thoughts), and shouldn't making a baby be fun? She tells him that she has gotten a physical and he should, also, and then says "relax and let me play God." Hmmm. No ego issues here, kids.

And we get some credits, some commercials, and some more credits. Not only do we see that Heather is still co-producer, but we see some really gnarly footage of people walking around L.A. including a scene that focuses a BIT long on a young woman's bluejeaned butt with a HUGE hole on the left side, and NOT wearing undies, so I guess her mother didn't advise her to go out wearing a clean pair. And then we see Pimp Daddy strutting along wearing the dweebiest plaid pants imaginable, and I realize I am getting all frothed up over the credits, and the characters aren't even speaking. So we learn that we will hear musical guest "Pushmonkey," and I wonder why they don't have a REAL band on there, like say one that really rocks, like babblefish or something (see http://hometown.aol.com/babblefsh0/index.htm), which would really be fun and get all the guests dancing, but I digress.

We arrive at Wilshire Memorial, where attention deficit Doy Boy has forgotten that he and Peter were arch enemies until only a few short weeks ago. Remember that scene in the bar with the "insult you and do a shot" game? Ahh...now THAT was dialogue! "Hey, Pete. Thanks for meeting me with such short notice," Kyle says. Apparently, Peter is the only physician that Kyle knows and trusts (!), so he wants Peter to give him a full workup to find out his papa potential. Head hung low, G.I D'oh confesses that some of his Gulf War buds have had some fertility problems, and he is afraid he may suffer the same outcome. He begs Peter to keep the whole thing a secret, which Peter agrees to do "as a doctor and a friend." Whatever.

Over at AWA, Ryan and Jane are coordinating on a project. Ryan tells Jane that "Tim," the new guy, is staring at her and that he has confided to Ryan that he wants to ask her out. Welcome back to high school, folks. Then our Queen's new assistant and Amanda herself walk into Ryan's office with a plethora of important-looking files. Ryan whimpers into his office, accusing Amanda of getting back at him for having a fling with the Empress. She denies this and tells him that "between them" (and how many secrets do people think they can logically share with others until everything comes blasting out into the open, not unlike Matt's infamous journal? Don't you think these people would learn?) she is grooming him to take over her position while she is on maternity leave. Getting an even stupider look than usual on his face (I think it was supposed to be wonderment, but it rivals Billy Campbell), he spouts, "I'm going to be an uncle?" Oh, yeah, Ryan. It's obvious from your history that family is REALLY important to you. And anyway, have you noticed that every time a character is pregnant, she miscarries, has her baby taken away, or just leaves the show? Do the writers ever stop to remember that there have been many successful prime time soaps with babies and even children? Does the word "Dallas" ring any bells?

Back at the only hospital in town, Eve shows up to say hi to Peter wearing a thin lavendar top and obviously no bra. Um, Eve? That was the OTHER Spelling show...Charlie's Angels? K? Really. You can go get some undies. Really. I bet Peter will even pay for them. So Eve tells Peter that she baked him some cookies, but she burned them because she can't bake. Then she admits that some were okay, but she ate them on the way over. He finds this oddly endearing, and the two of them get all smootchie bootchie and slip into his office to find the Empress and the Queen looking all yummy and seductive. Amanda's still wearing the non-matching black outfit with the obvious zipper, and Lexi is wearing her typical tourniquet dress, this one a long sleeved scoop neck in navy. Amanda informs Peter that they have "buried the hatchet" in the name of charity. Lexi has proposed that her company donate $200,000 for the children's wing (wait...wasn't Lexi about to go to jail because of a tax situation? Where did her company come up with that kind of cash that fast? Implausibility, much, writers?), and AWA will match that donation. They think that it would be nice to put Christmas trees in each child's room in the hospital. I'm sure the Jewish patients will appreciate that. "Elliot! Here's your Hanukkah tree! Just pretend it's a menorah!" Okay, nice sentiment, but how many CEO's go out to take care of this type of stuff? And how many send their admins or some lackey so they can take care of real business? Yeah, I thought so. Not to be left out, Eve says that as the wife of the Chief of Staff (thanks for reminding us again. Really. It's hard to keep track of), she will join the two in their project. So, giving us the best line of the show, Lexi says that that will be wonderful, having all of Peter's women involved: the Past (indicating herself), the Present (indicating Eve), and the Always (indicating Amanda). Oh, I can feel in my Tums-calcium-enhanced bones that our Evil Empress maintains her title. No reformation here, my friends. My Christmas/Hanukkah wish has come true!

Everyone's favorite couple is out at dinner on their official "first date." Ryan, in his brown blazer and rumpled eggplant polo, is attempting feebly to make conversation. Megan, in this episode's hands down winner Most Hideous Dress pink sleeveless number with some ghastly embroidery placed in an odd pattern all over it, also tries to converse. Gosh, golly, kids! The trauma! White wine spills, Wet-Lips gets up to go to mop up in the bathroom, tries to buy a rose for Megan, realizes he forgot his wallet at home, and gets that confused Billy look on his face.

Back at Wilshire, Lexi bumps into Peter. He wants to know what she has up her long navy spandex sleeve. She tells him that she's "a changed woman," and tells him to have his wife check up on her. Why do we know this will be the other way around?

Back at the Place, the ex-hooker and her doofy date walk into the courtyard. They had to take a bus home and leave Ryan's car as collateral for the dinner. Why couldn't he call his brother and get a credit card number to charge the dinner? Oh, sorry, that would be common sense. My mistake. So Ryan apologizes for the unpleasant date, and Megan doesn't disagree with him, which seems a bit unforgiving of an honest mistake, and I can't believe I am defending Lip-Boy. Yipes. Megan goes into her apartment and Ryan skulks off to his.

Michael and Jane are packing boxes at the beach house. They argue about who owns a videotape of "Indiscreet," and we are treated to a Melrose black and white flashback as they discuss their first meeting. Michael was on a date with "Mary Ann" who Jane remembers as a "stacked redhead" and Michael remembers as "flat as a board." More high school behavior, folks. So we see them in a movie theatre watching "Indiscreet" with Ingrid Bergman and Cary Grant, and Mary Ann and Michael are sitting together in a row behind Jane, who's in a really bad June Cleaver wig. It's curious that the movie is about a man (Cary Grant) who pretends to be married to make himself more interesting to a woman (Ingrid Bergman). Sounds like a healthy beginning to a relationship, one that would fit right in here on Melrose. So Michael and Mary Ann are talking, and Jane tells them to shut up. Michael and his date begin arguing, and Jane gets in the middle, telling Mary Ann that she can't believe she doesn't know who Ingrid Bergman is. Mary Ann stalks off, Michael schmoozes into the seat next to Jane, and the rest is history. I have to say that the one interesting thing about this black and white flashback was that the movie is in black and white, so in the flashback, it is in color. When you see Jane turn around to yell at the two jabbermouths, you see "Indiscreet" in color behind her. Cool. So then we are back to reality, and Michael tells Jane that his favorite movie is actually "War of the Roses." She retorts with "I thought it was 'Liar Liar'." Dem's fightin' words!

And we get more commercials.

Kyle and Amanda are hanging out on their new plot of land. Kyle wants to know where the bedroom is going to be. I want to know if anyone else is very very tired of this conversation.

Michael comes home to the beach house and realizes that someone is on the back deck. He hopefully calls out Jane's name, but it's the luscious Linda, relaxing on a chair, wearing a bikini. She tells him that it's time to celebrate, since she's sold his home. He gets all sentimental, saying that this is his first place (what was that place in the apartment complex, eh, Michael?). He says that this is where his son was born, and I have to say it was refreshing to hear his son mentioned again, since most parents would be a bit more concerned and on a more regular basis if their child were whisked off to parts unknown.

At AWA, Jane and Ryan are hanging out at the coffee station. Dorky boy Tim comes by and starts chatting Jane up. They begin to talk about movies and plan a date. An excited Tim squeals on up to Lip-Boy to tell him that Jane asked him out!! Whoopee!

Over at Kyle's, the Queen, the Empress, and the Jailbird are planning their charitable strategy. Lexi brings the conversation to Christmas past, and she asks Eve what her holidays were like. Eve says something about well-off relatives, presents, fireplace, food, joy to the world, and a partridge in a pear tree. An extra comes up to inform Lexi that she has a call (no cell phone? What kind of CEO is she?), and she struts off. Amanda reprimands Eve for using the Amanda Woodward story, and Eve said that she had nothing better to tell and that she didn't want Lexi smirking at her. Wait...how is that story all that unique? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Michael and Jane are at the beach house, and she is shrieking that she should have been consulted about the sale of the house. She accuses him of cheating her out of her money, and he insists that her lawyer has her covered. She says that the house is half hers, and I guess according to community property laws it is, but come on...they were married for how long? And she really thinks she deserves half of his property? Greed much, Jane? Anyway, Linda arrives with some paperwork and a tight black spaghetti strapped outfit that I KNOW my realtor would never wear out to meet a client. Do you think she has ulterior motives, kids? Jane gets the wrong, or should I say right idea and accuses Michael of his old slutty ways. She storms out and the writers decide to regurgitate the whole Taylor attacking a poor unwilling Michael scene. Linda pounces like a vulture on carrion, and Michael feebly resists until he just can't take it any more. He submits to her wicked ways, and the scene ends, which makes me oh so happy.

After the halftime show featuring commercials of other Aaron Spelling shows , we find ourselves at AWA, where Jane is confronted by Tim. Tee hee! He got advance tickets to the new Julia Roberts movie and wants Jane to go with him. This clown picks Julia Roberts over Ingrid Bergman? She tries to sound enthusiastic and says she'll put it in her book, which for me would mean that it gets put on my list of such highly-desired activities as "clean toilet" and "donate kidney," but maybe Jane is serious. Needing to mull it over, she escapes into the best-looking corporate ladies room I've ever seen (no kidding - it's got fresh flowers and yellow towels and green glycerin soap in a silver dish) to tell Amanda about her date. Amanda cuts her off, informing her that Jane and Ryan are in charge because the Queen is going to be out of the office for the rest of the afternoon. "Is everything okay?" asks a worried Jane, and that reminds me that we haven't heard about Jane's own health yet this episode. Did the writers forget about her cancer scare? "Better than okay - right on schedule," replies Amanda, sailing out the door.

Speaking of timing, we are now treated to a topless Michael looking dejected in bed at the beach house. "Don't worry, honey - it happens," reassures the trampy real estate agent, adjusting either her slip or her dress (I can never tell on this show), and now we know why Michael has that hangdog expression, if you'll pardon the pun. For someone supposedly trying to be understanding, this woman proceeds to say all sorts of snide things, like "It was nice...for the 30 seconds it lasted" and how she finally got a good night's sleep, and Michael understandably looks even more depressed. I thought this woman sold so many houses because she was easy, but now I see it's her people skills that make her so successful. She does, however, accurately point out that Michael's still in love with Jane, which he seems glum about. As she leaves, she promises to call him when they close escrow, and is that what we're calling it now?

Amanda zooms up to the construction site and we get to meet Frank, who I think is the contractor. He tries to get her to look at floor plans, but all she wants to do is find Kyle and close some escrow, so she zooms right off again. For some reason, Amanda has to call her secretary and ask her to track down Kyle (you'd think a successful restauranteur would have a cell phone or pager in case of emergencies), but magically Kyle drives right by her. She flags him down and delivers the winning line in the "Thank You For Sharing" category by informing him that she's ovulating RIGHT NOW and time's a-wasting. She seems to want to close some escrow right here in her car (all right, I'll stop), but fortunately there's a run-down motel with vibrating beds across the street. Leaving their vehicles unlocked and ripe for carjacking, they rush in and decide to save their quarters by making the bed vibrate themselves. "I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget," rasps Kyle, and considering what's probably lurking in those sheets I'd say that's a pretty good possibility.

Pushmonkey is at the Upstairs, and boy do I miss the jazz. Megan comes in and sees Ryan sitting with Catherine in a booth. From their conversation, it sounds like Wet-Lip-Boy and Catherine had a full day playing basketball and talking about how hung up he is on Megan. Poor Catherine. Megan gets a drink and barges into their booth, insulting both of them until Catherine, who seems like a nice person in a Cameron Diaz sort of way, finally leaves. Megan and Ryan argue about why they can't talk to each other, and then Megan splits, leaving Ryan to pout in the booth. To his credit, he chases Megan down the stairwell and tells her that he can't talk to her because he's "so dang attracted" to her, and then she admits that she finds him "incredibly sexy" and then he says "Now we have something to talk about" but instead they kiss and I made the mistake of imagining how Ryan's big moist lips would feel and all I have to say is http://www.4internet.com/cgi-perl/rfr.cgi?l=http://cgi.pathfinder.com/drweil/qa/0,1471,1073,00.html.

There's a phone ringing in a lab full of centrifuges and test tubes, and it's answered by a guy who shouldn't be eating his lunch around all that biohazardous equipment, so we know he's going to screw something up somehow. The phone ringing is Peter calling for Kyle's test results, and the guy answers the phone saying "VA Lab." Why did Peter send out a simple test to the VA lab? Anyway, Lunchman picks up the folder for ROBERT McBride, not KYLE McBride, and I actually blame this on Peter for assuming that there's only one McBride in the world. Lunchman announces to Peter that Patient McBride has "a sperm count of zero", and I feel sorry for poor Robert McBride who has inadvertently had his business announced to the entire world. Stunned, Peter hangs up, and Lunchman is warned about mixups by some woman who must have won the "Win a Walk-on Part on 'Melrose Place'" contest.

Back at 4616, the pool is glistening in the sunlight as Amanda and Kyle stagger in from their night o' love. As insatiable Amanda begins to unbutton Kyle's shirt, the phone rings, and of course it's Peter calling to tell Kyle the bad news. Not wanting Amanda to know about this, Kyle makes up a story about some fish disaster at the restaurant, so Amanda prances off to take a shower. Peter gives it to Kyle straight, which is part good and part bad because at least we don't have any awkward initial moments of revelation like on "The Jerry Springer Show" when the cheating boyfriend says "Baby, you know I love you" right before telling his girlfriend he slept with her brother, but on the other hand Peter sure is a cold SOB sometimes. "You're sterile," he says curtly. "You and Amanda will never be able to conceive." "Is that bad?" asks GI D'oh. "It's about as bad as it gets," intones Peter, obviously relieved that Kyle won't be contributing his mental abilities to the gene pool any time soon. Peter brings up alternatives like adoption or in-vitro fertilization, but Kyle shoots them down and begs Peter not to tell Amanda. Who's keeping secrets now, Mr. High-and-Mighty?

Amanda has apparently mastered the art of time travel on her days off, because the next thing we see is her and Lexi shopping for Christmas trees for the kids at the hospital. They snipe at each other for old times' sake, so nostalgia is alive and well at Melrose Place this holiday season. The charity twins strike a hard bargain (not) with Sleazy Tree Man by giving him a 50% deposit without a written contract, and exactly how is it that these two geniuses stay in business? Eve is there too, wandering around like a zombie, and soon we find out why - Sleazy Tree Man's her former prison guard! He reminds her of their good times together, like how he got a thrill watching her exercise, and it's no wonder he had to work at the womens' prison if this is his idea of sweet talk. Eve tells him to go to Hell and drives off, but not before he writes down her tag number and we see that Lexi has witnessed the whole thing.

At the empty beach house, Michael looks around at the places that used to be full of happy memories, like the couch where Taylor had her baby and the bathroom where Kimberly showed us her zipperhead, and I think we all feel kind of sad right now. Leaving the keys on the kitchen counter, he discovers that Jane gave him back the movie they'd loved so much, and he leaves that on the counter too as he departs the house for the last time. The camera lingers on the keys sitting next to the videotape, and I know we're supposed to feel poignant at the symbolism but all I can think is "I hope the next tenants have a VCR." Yeah, I made bad grades in English Lit too.

At the Melrose Multiplex, Jane is on her date with Tim, and I would like to know which of the following films on the marquee is "the new Julia Roberts movie" they supposedly went to see: Boarder Lyin', Petty Treasons, Martyrs, Wolfgang's Wife, Hope for Mona, Psycho Logical (ooh, clever), Shriek 3, or The Lesser of Two. Good grief. Tim seems kind of pompous as he talks about the movie, saying "They just don't make them like they used to," which is ironic because he told Jane already that he prefers contemporary films to older ones, so I guess this movie wasn't as good as, say, the classic "Happy Gilmore." He promises Jane that next time they will see one of the classic films she likes and then invites her over for a nightcap. For someone who's had as many bad experiences with men as Jane has, she surprisingly agrees to what seems like a risky move. However, the spell is broken when he turns on the radio and we're treated to the anemic TV version of "Addicted to Love," which we all know is Michael's favorite stripping song. Newcomers who may not be aware of this are helpfully given a flashback of Michael dancing for Jane in the living room at the beach house. Interestingly, this flashback is presented in the same stark black-and-white photography as the story of Eve and Amanda's high school murder, which is appropriate for me because I find the image of Michael stripping much more disturbing than the notion of Eve and Amanda knocking some punk teenager off the bleachers. Jane announces that she's changed her mind about the nightcap, and Tim is disappointed but apparently a gentleman as he agrees to take Jane home.

Kyle is in his office at the Upstairs, drinking booze and running his fingers over a picture of Amanda and himself (the same one that Lexi made watch Ryan and her do the horizontal bop on Amanda's desk...guess there are two of the same or the prop department is lazy), as she calls him to tell him that she's waiting for him at home with a black lace slip and a book of baby names. Amanda's voice sounds very little-girlish, and maybe that's why Kyle looks all sad as he listens to her message on the answering machine but doesn't pick up the phone. Although Kyle really irritates me, I do feel sorry for him, so I can't make fun of him too much. He tells the answering machine that he loves her too and drinks that smooth McBride scotch in slow motion, which we all know is foreshadowing of really depressing times ahead.

--written by zinc and Ellen, edited by zinc

Santa's kicking ass and taking names as he holds people hostage in a bank robbery, Amanda confronts Peter about Kyle's drinking, Lexi tries to dig up dirt on Eve by visiting Sleazy Tree Man, some freaky judge sentences Jane and Michael to spend the holidays together, and Eve and Lexi get into a great-looking fight with actual punching.