Over at the bank, the Queen, the Empress, and the Jailbird are arguing about whether or not Eve is allowed signing privileges on the account they are putting together for the hospital children's wing. Lexi doesn't think Eve should be able to write checks since she didn't contribute any cash. Amanda says that if Eve can't write checks, she'll pull her money from the account. Now why would they have an account to begin with? What about just giving a donation to the hospital and letting them decide how to use the money? In my opinion, buying full-size trees for all the children's rooms was a rather wasteful beginning, but who am I to tell these important execs what to do with their money? Before they can come to any kind of agreement, a bunch of Santas come rushing in to the bank and stick the place up. Eve is forced to give her new wedding ring to one of the bad guys, and when he asks Lexi for her ring, she replies "I'm not married. Don't rub it in, Kringle." That's our Lexi!

Then we return to our merry group of charity boys, singing carols in Pinhead's car. Kyle comments "I feel like a pimp in this car of yours," because it's so big and flashy. All of a sudden, the cops pull them over and force them out of the car. Crushing them up against a chainlink fence, the cops pat them down. Now I have seen those stupid criminal shows, so I guess it is possible that bank robbers would leave the scene of the crime and drive leisurely in a convertible still wearing their bright red and white costumes, but this is a bit flaky.

And we get our first round of commercials.

As we see the front of the police station, which looks different from the police station Michael was recently bailed out of by Jane, we hear the joyous sounds of Hanson Christmas music, and we remember that they are the musical guests tonight. We reach to the coffee table to make sure our calcium-enriched Melrose mints are in easy reach. They are. Phew. As the music continues, we see funny montage shots of the Santas and hookers, Shriners, bikers, and general bad folk. We see Ryan being questioned, Michael checking out a hooker, and Peter sitting in a cell and approached by a very hairy transvestite. We see mug shots and fingerprints taken, and I just wonder what they are thinking about Peter's rap sheet. Then the still-Santa-suit-clad lads are escorted to a lineup room to be viewed by the witnesses. Dr. Pinhead complains that he wishes that they'd at least tell them what they were in for. Now I have to admit that when in my own illustrious past I was arrested and taken to the police station, the detective made sure to tell me RIGHT AWAY why I was there and proceeded to try to intimidate me into a confession. He checked out all my belongings, and even took out my Chapstick and looked inside to make sure that I wasn't carrying any miniscule firearms. You think Sipowicz is tough? You ain't seen nothin'. But I digress. The witnesses consist of two female extras and our three heroines. The extras say that it's hard to tell and ask for the Santas to please remove their beards. Since the criminals never removed them at the scene, this seems a bit unreasonable, but this gives our lovely ladies the chance to recognize their menfolk and reclaim them. And all is happy again in Melroseland.

G.I. D'oh and the Queen enter their apartment, and Kyle mentions that this is their "first Christmas together." His one track minded wife replies "And our last Christmas alone." Then she makes some vomitous remark about having had a pretty wild life but never making love to Santa. Kyle takes off his Santa jacket to expose one of the most hideous shirts ever worn by mankind, a nasty sort of shiny sort of see-through sort of polyester looking blue thing with one of those oh so sexy tank undershirts underneath, and I heave an ENORMOUS sigh of relief as the scene changes.

Our favorite ex-hooker is lying on her couch, all romantic looking by a table with melted candles and empty glasses with a sleeveless gold empress waistlined dress, looking all forlorn, waiting for her prince to arrive. Lip-Boy, obviously learning from his sister-in-law, peeps in through the window, causing Megan to squeal like an animal in pain. He barges through her unlocked door and apologizes for his tardiness, and I just wonder why he didn't use his one phone call to call her or why he didn't ask to use one of the plethora of cell phones available to him while surrounded by doctors, but whatever. Megan tells him that "dinner's cold and the wine is warm." But they still can decorate the tree. "That was the idea, right?" she asks. He says that he's ready to decorate that tree, and he's been waiting weeks to get at that tree, and they get right to it. Hmmm. I guess "decorating the tree" means the same thing as "closing escrow" did last week. I had better take notes.

Then we see Jane in her apartment doing a paint by numbers plate thing. Michael shows up and pops his head right in, again proving that it's very safe to leave doors unlocked in L.A. when you aren't expecting company. Instead of having her yell at him and make him leave, our oh-so-consistent writers forget about that whole "Indiscreet" debacle of last week and have her smile sweetly at him instead. He asks if the plate is for him, and she tells him it's for Amanda. I guess if my boss threatened me on a regular basis, I'd slap some paint on a crappy plate as a gift, too. Good thinking, Jane! Michael tells her that he was arrested and asks why she didn't respond to the messages he left on her machine. She informs him that she didn't listen to her machine, and he seems to have gotten out all right anyway. He apologizes for his indiscreet (sorry, couldn't help myself) "tree decorating" with the real estate agent, and she admits that she went on a date, also. Gosh, they sure are friendly this week. Plot inconsistency much? So she tells him that she wants it over, "clean break" and all that hoo hah. Michael complains about loneliness during the holidays and she Pollyannaishly tells him to forget it.

Eve lights a chunky white candle with Xmas froofroo all around it as Peter walks out from the bathroom in a towel and a smile. She tells him she's upset about her wedding ring being gone since she has only had it for "less than three weeks" which sounds like average marriage time on this show, anyway. He tells her that it's not a big deal and gets all snuggly. She mentions that he hasn't even noticed the decorations. Looking around the room, he gets all melancholy and reminisces about the old days with dad on the golf course and how there wasn't "a lot of ho ho ho around the holidays," and how sad and pathetic his life was and how he always just "covered the ward" on Christmas day. Now wait.what about his idyllic marriage to the saintly Beth? Don't you think that she, great cook that she was, whipped up a succulent meal for her little Petey? Don't you think there were a few decorations around the Burns house that year? Are all of the writers new this season? Do our characters have shape-shifting pasts? So there's a knock at the door, and Peter tells Eve to get it while he dresses. It's Sleazy Tree Man! He has a tree he like to "decorate" for Eve. He gets all nasty and threateningy and she inanely tells him that he can't tell her husband anything about her jailbird past because he doesn't know. Okay, um, Eve? That's called LAYING ALL YOUR CARDS ON THE TABLE, YOU MORON! Yikes. So Peter comes out and Sleazy Tree Man tells him that he is dropping off a tree to say thank you for all the trees she bought for the hospital. Peter tells him that he's the Chief of Staff, and I have to say that I appreciated the reference the last few times since the job kept floating between Michael and Peter and I couldn't keep track, but ENOUGH already, okay? So Tree Man says "oh, two big shots," and what that's supposed to mean I have no idea, especially since Eve has been bumped by HANSON for Chrissakes. Peter takes the tree, which is handily already in a stand, and puts it in a corner. All of a sudden he's Mr. Christmas Cheer tree decorator. Oh, yeah. I get it.

Michael and his lawyer are walking through the courthouse halls, right past the evil bankrobbing Santas, still in their suits and not at the police station as you'd expect. But hey, it's Melrose! Let's all suspend our disbelief together now! He tells his lawyer that he is having cold feet about the divorce and he wants to stay married. His lawyer tells him it's too late. Jane is waiting in the courtroom with her lawyer, Hilary from AMC. Then we are subjected to the most inane scene in this episode, as the obviously high-on-crack judge tells Jane and Michael to write down the reason why they both got married to each other the second time, and they both write "What is love?" on their pieces of paper Jeopardy-style. I suppose the fact that they are both on the same TV-brainwashed frame of mind could mean they actually are made for each other. The judge sentences them to 10 hours of community service a day and spending the holidays together. I hope their bosses will be understanding. Whatever. And did anyone else notice the holiday faux pas in the courtroom? Hanukkah candles on the judge's stand? Separation of church and state much?

Bestest buds Doy Boy and Peter are chatting at the Upstairs. Kyle is blithering and crying and drinking that smooth McBride scotch quicker than you can say "passmethetums." He is shaking one of those glass balls with the water and the snowflakes inside, and he drops it on the floor to its shattering demise. Peter tells him "I know this must be hard. I have a friend - he's a psychiatrist.." Could he be talking about Dr. Pinhead? Has he forgotten that Pinhead and G.I. D'oh were both at Michael's bachelor party AND the recent Santa fiasco? Anyway, Kyle shakes off the suggestion and says he has to go get some coffee in him so when he drives over to Amanda's office party he can be AWAKE while he drives under the influence. Now that's a responsible citizen!

The Jailbird trots her freakoutedness on over to the tree lot to make a deal with Sleazy Tree Man, whose name happens to be Travis. Pulling out her checkbook, she demands "How much do you want?" Oh, yeah. You want to keep a secret from your husband and try to cover it up by writing a check off his account? Now that's keeping the cat in the proverbial bag! He tells her that he doesn't want money and even gives her a compliment! "Even in that prison smock you looked so hot," he leers. He thinks that he should get a night with her, "just like that charity of [hers]." What a charming guy. As she leaves in a huff, the Empress arrives. "Forget about it, Tree Boy. She's way out of your league," she informs him. He tells her not to be so sure, and Lexi gets that evil gleam in her eye that we all love so much. I KNEW her reformation of a few weeks ago was a lie! Go Lexi go!

Over at AWA, the Queen hands an envelope to a male employee who says something ridiculous about wanting a kiss instead (and either she's passing out lousy bonus checks or this guy is pretty hot for Queenie). She tells him that if he doesn't watch it, she'll "turn him into Human Resources," and the inflection she used made it sound like she'll "turn him into a frog" so I wonder if the writer who penned that line may have a few skeletons in his/her closet. Anyway, Kyle shows up and is all slobbery and chatty with some attractive female employees. Amanda notices and is about to go and ruin his fun when the phone rings and it's Lip-Boy. He tells her that he is sick and has "been in bed all day" which is partially true since we see him with Megan getting all feisty on his scantily clad anatomy, which of course makes me think of Uncle Bill on the phone with a congressman with his tender young Monica doing her "patriotic duty" and I have to turn off the VCR, walk to the drugstore, and buy out the entire section of my calcium enriched Melrose mints. Arrrgggghhh. So Amanda says she'll leave his bonus check on his desk (and why she can't slip it under his apartment door is beyond me). Eve comes bursting into the party (ever hear of a phone?) and tells the drunken Doy Boy and his Queen about Travis the Tree Man. Kyle gets all butch and manly and tells the ladies he will take care of the situation and leaves.

Sitting in his car and drinking a pint, G.I. D'oh waits for the Tree Lot to close. He saunters up to Sleazy Tree Man and tries to look threatening in a bohunky kind of way. Travis tells him "Sorry, we're closed." When Kyle gets all scary-crazy on him, he replies with "I don't know you from Adam," which is an oh-so-clever reference to Eve for all of the Christians in the audience. Kyle tells him to leave Eve alone, pack his bags, and get out of Dodge. "Up yours, cowboy! I'll do whatever I want." Then the requisite punching and grunting begins. In an attempt to prove that he may be shooting blanks but is still testosterone-rich, Kyle beats the poop out of Tree Man. Walking away, Kyle growls, "You'll be out of here by the morning or I'll kill you." If he's going to BE imPOtent, he needs to SOUND imPOtent!

Then we get some more commercials, including one of the most bizarre and frightening fragrance ads I have ever seen where some stubbly-faced stalker guy is muttering about how he loves her and just wants to be with her and he doesn't even know her, but he must have her and isn't that love, and I just have to quote Peter and tell him "I have a friend who's a psychiatrist."

Amanda wakes up on the couch and wonders where her subservient minion can be. He's on the bed, which is clad in floral sheets that look remarkably like castoffs from Michael's beach house bed. Prop department skimping again? Seeing his battered hands, the Queen inquires about his Tree Lot Tango. She is surprised that when he told her he'd convince him that it included force. Umm, Amanda? Who do you think you married? The man is an ex-marine. Think about it.

Jane and Michael are doing their community service by passing out toys from the back of a truck to a bunch of kids who just come running up to accept them. Seems like a bizarre distribution point, but we'll go with it in the spirit of the season. A boy is standing off to the side looking all shy and stuff. Michael goes up to him and hands him some kind of toy weapon. Yeah, it's always a good thing to give play weapons to underprivileged kids so that when some of them decide to turn to a life of crime, they'll have a leg up. The boy asks if there is anything in that truck for his mom, cuz she just lost another job. Michael whips some cash out of his wallet and hands it to the boy so he can get a gift. Call me jaded, but I immediately had visions of the boy going to "Crack Dealer Jim" on the street corner to get his mama what she really wants. Jane is terribly touched by this gesture, and proceeds to accept his blanket apology for the reception speech and the crashing through the ceiling catastrophe. Didn't the show promise a tougher, more resilient Jane this season? Has anyone seen her? They hug and I reach into my snack bowl for more Tums.

Back at the tree lot, Lexi arrives in a very very tight twinset made out of Amanda's old sheets and a pair of black jeans. She wants to buy some wreaths, but Travis is packing up to head out of town, tail between his legs. The Empress tells him that he shouldn't be leaving so soon, and that he will lose money if he leaves before the beginning of the New Year. Wow. She not only can create an ad agency out of thin air, but now she knows how to run a retail Christmas tree franchise. This is a woman of many talents, kids. Watch and learn. He tells her that he has to go, and she begins quizzing him about Eve, asking him the most ridiculous question possible: "She's not from a wealthy family, is she?" Why that conversation would have stuck in her head is beyond me. "Lady, you haven't even scratched the surface," he tells her. That evil gleam comes back into her eye, and my stomach finally settles.

In Peter's office, the two Bestest Buds are chatting again about Doy Boy's troubles. Kyle says that he wants to kill someone, which means he probably was sorry to see that Travis took him seriously. Peter tells him to stop drinking and writes him a prescription for anti-depressants. Hmmm. Maybe Peter is just pretending to be buds with Kyle. Let's see - give a prescription for medication to an alcohol abuser, he overdoses, you get to comfort the grieving widow.GREAT PLAN! I get it now! I thought Peter was just being irresponsible. Kyle makes Peter promise not to tell Amanda, and he walks out crumpling the prescription. Maybe he saw right through Peter's plot.

Doing some fancy time travel, Kyle is at the Upstairs, drinking as usual. For some bizarre reason, Hanson is playing there. Considering that this is a BAR and the age requirement to get in is 21, and Hanson's fans' average age is about 9, does this make sense to anyone? And that's not even mentioning that Kyle's lifelong dream was to own a JAZZ club, which this is obviously no longer. They are singing a strange song with lyrics about "Little Saint Nick" which sounds exactly like the tune to the Beach Boys' "Little Deuce Coup." Lexi comments to Eve that if those boys were just a little bit older, she'd take them all back to her place, and that is just the kind of lecherous remark we love her for. The Jailbird asks the Empress what she's up to, and Lexi tells her what Sleazy Tree Man said. Glancing over at the bar, Lexi notices that Kyle has a perfect "x" cut on one of his knuckes, and at first I thought he was trying to be like Ozzy and have letters on his knuckles, but that was supposed to be the owie he got from his Flog Travis's Face Fandango. She mentions that now she knows who did the damage, but she still wants to know why. "Let's take this in the back room," offers Eve. They walk to the back room and the catfight begins. Eve grabs Lexi, causing her to growl "Take your lowlife hands off me, or I'll rip your dimples off!" Eve punches Lexi across the face, showing that she learned a thing or two in the slammer. "Thank you, Ma'am, may I have another," replies Lexi, and her wish is granted! Then Lexi hits Eve, and Kyle comes in to breaks it up. Lexi smiles and says, "Just knowing I hit the right nerve makes it all worth it," and she saunters out. Have I mentioned how much Lexi rules?

Back at the apartment complex, Amanda obviously had no trouble tearing herself away from the rockin' tunes of Hanson, and she is hanging lights with Peter. "Okay, Peter, hit it!" she says, instructing him to turn on the lights. She begins to quiz him about Kyle's physical and his drinking. Does anyone else remember back to when Kyle and Amanda first got married and they promised that there would be no lies and no secrets? Guess they forgot that, too. "People get strange around the holidays," Peter explains. When she pries further, he grabs her and kisses her! "Mistletoe," he points out. Smooth, Peter.

Then we get a commercial for Moet & Chandon which has got to be the most sexual commercial I have seen in a long LONG time, but it reminds me of when I was a kid and I first heard the song "Killer Queen" and I wanted to sing along, but the very first line screwed me up, and it wasn't until years later that I read the lyrics and saw that Freddie Mercury was singing "She keeps Moet & Chandon in a pretty cabinet," which reminds me of the fact that my most romantic brother and sister-in-law keep a bottle of that very brand in their (very pretty) china cabinet to remind them of a special occasion. Wow. The memories that commercials stir up..

Back to the show. Amanda walks out of her bathroom and back into the bedroom looking miserable. Kyle, still on the bed, asks her what's wrong. She says that she was late and hoped that she was going to be able to give him the ultimate Christmas gift - her pregnancy. But unfortunately, the pregnancy test was negative. They hug and Kyle looks over her shoulder with a very depressed look on his face.

Jane opens her apartment door to a delivery man with a very special package that only the dimmest of the dim viewers would suspect to be anything but Michael all wrapped up for her. She reads the sappy card, he pops out of the box, and they spew some dialog that would make even the strongest of the strong stomachs churn. "You're like chocolate - horrible for me but irresistible," Jane purrs. "You better start licking before I melt," replies her Romeo. Next scene, PLEASE!

Peter is hosting a staff party when Lexi shows up. She shows him her black eye and insists he ask his wife about Sleazy Tree Man. She leaves and Peter looks concerned.

Ryan and Megan are eating fruitcake and making me jealous because none of the stores around me seem to understand that some of us LOVE the stuff and CRAVE the stuff and assume that the jokes about the delicacy are all true, so SOME of us don't have any fruitcake at all this year. Grrrr. They agree that it's the best Christmas dinner they've ever had. "Is this just sex or is it a relationship?" asks Hooker Girl. Wouldn't her professional experience answer that for her? Lip-Boy tells her that he's "never felt anything this right before." Lexi shows up with a chef named Pierre and a bunch of groceries, and Ryan hides in the bedroom. She tells Megan that she knew they'd both be alone for Christmas, so why not have a great meal together? Ryan walks out, and Lexi looks horrified. She leaves in a hurry with Pierre, leaving the groceries behind. "At least now we have food," exclaims the ex-hooker, feeling no remorse over the Empress's having to eat alone. I feel sorry for you Lexi. Is that some consolation?

Amanda and Eve are decorating a tree (no don't get any ideas. They are actually hanging ornaments on a fir.) when the Queen notices the Jailbird's new ring. Eve gushes, "Peter surprised me!" Over in the other corner of the room, bestest buds Peter and Kyle are talking about the fight. Peter tells Doy Boy that the Empress informed him that Kyle beat up Travis. Kyle tells Peter that Sleazy Tree Man was hitting on Eve, and she didn't know how to tell Peter. Yeah, that's a solid excuse! The four toast the "incredible year" they've had. Peter goes to take a picture of Kyle, Eve, and Amanda. They wait for him to take the picture, and Eve says, "Come on.we can't keep up these phony smiles forever!" to which Peter ominously replies "Well, you're all pretty good at it. You sure fooled me." And the tension mounts.and the episode ends.

--written and edited, in its entirety, by the amazingly wonderful zinc!

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