NOTE: this was originally posted in April, 1996 so some of the details may have since changed. Then again, if you're keen enough to pick up on such details, you're probably already so far gone into the MP addiction cycle that you don't need this list anyway! STAGE ONE: Apathy typical comment: "Oh, you're not watching *that* again are you. Isn't there anything else on?" typified by: talking all the way through the show, about something else. STAGE TWO: Questioning typical comments: "Why is she a 'special guest star'? "Which one's married to Michael?" "Why is she/he trying to kill him/her?" "Amanda/Jake/Sydney etc is hot." typified by: trying to make sense of the unreality, and work out who's not had sex with Michael. STAGE THREE: Watching typical comments: "I finally understand and like Sydney." "Go Amanda!" "Shut up, I'm trying to watch this" typified by: realising that Melrose Place is no ordinary soap-opera, normal rules do not apply. Realising that you are no longer sexually attracted to anybody on the show, but you are starting to care about them in ways that you'd rather not deal with. STAGE FOUR: Addiction typical comments: "I really *want* Alison to get back together with Billy" "It's OK, I'm taping this" "She is a special guest star because it's good to be special, it's good to be a guest, and it's good to be a star, but it's great to be a special guest star" typified by: getting a lump in your throat when roller-blade girl is shown, feeling almost shakey with excitment when Amanda triumphs again, being furious if a character is given a bad-taste haircut or acts out of character. STAGE FIVE: Expert Addiction typical comments: "Jake never had sex with Alison, in the first series she helped him to pass his exams and they kissed but nothing happened." "The D+D building is actually Aaron Spellings Offices, I should know, I've been chased away by a security guard" "Hey, I had a year of college!" typified by: becoming an expert on Melrose Trivia, having a picture of Sydney for your screen-saver. Knowing several episodes in advance exactly what is going to happen, without reading about it. Generally having no other life to speak of. Paul Baker eiajpb@comp.lancs.ac.uk