Here is an on-going collection of quotes (listed from newest to oldest) we think are worth mentioning and remembering. We've selected them based on their humor quotient as well as their ability to remind us just how ridiculous Melrose Place can be. Now that E! is no longer airing the re-runs, there are probably quotes from older shows that we've missed. If we've overlooked any of your favorites, feel free to contact us and let us know. Eve (after the newly-reformed "Christmas Tree Guy" rejects her): "I don't need you! I don't need anybody! I'm a cheerleader!" Lexi to Michael: "If I can't have everything good in life, well, at least I can have you." Michael: "You sure you don't want to rephrase that?" Michael to Eve (as he laments about Lexi): "Lexi swept me off my feet. I hadn't felt that in a couple marriages. No offense to Jane... or Sydney... or Kimberly... or Megan... or Jane again. The ones you don't know -- they're dead... I didn't kill them." Peter (after deciding to leave Eve for Amanda): "Everytime I leave a woman she tries to kill me." Amanda: "Maybe she'll push me off a bleacher." Lexi: "I love children and children love me." Kyle: "Outside of Michael, what children do you know?" Lexi to Michael (after she walks in Megan's office while the ex-Mancini's hug): "This is Sterling-Conway Enterprises, not 'Come In And Cop A Feel'." Kyle: "Keep your nose outta my business, Ryan." Ryan: "No. You're my brother. That makes it my business." Kyle: "No, that just makes us related." Amanda: "I gues you have stopped taking responsibility for everything - for drinking, for cheating, for ruining people's lives..." Kyle: "Yeah, well, a guy's gotta get his kicks somehow." Michael to Mr. Andrews (after asking for a $100,000 loan): "Jane will be very happy and you wouldn't have to kick the bucket!" Peter: "You're sterile. You and Amanda will never be able to conceive." Kyle: "Is that bad?" Lexi to Amanda and Ryan: "Kiss my ass." Amanda "Hmmm... there's an ugly thought." Ryan to Lexi: "I've got 2 words for you - get and lost... our sick little relationship is over." Amanda: "Worse than that, we don't validate. You'll have to pay your own parking." Kyle to Ryan: "If it affects my wife - if it hurts her - I am going to be so in your life you aren't going to be able to piss without company, you understand me?" Amanda to Peter and Eve (after Eve sets breakfast on fire): "By the way, if there's any damage in here, you guys are responsible. Have a good day!" Ryan to Michael: "You know what you are, Mancini? You're that crap that washes up on the beach after a storm. Syringes and specimen bottles. Waste, Mancini - medical waste." Jane (shortly after Megan and Michael fall through the roof): "I never should have come back to this town." Amanda: "You might have a very good point there." Amanda (as she and Peter are stuck in an elevator): "If Kyle were here he would know what to do." Peter: "Oh, Kyle, Kyle... Yeah, such a handyman to have around. He can storm the beach for you or knock out a SCUD and when he's done he can whip up a Spanish Omelette, huh?" Kyle: "You seem kinda down. What's going on?" Eve: "Oh, the usual. I got carried away by my feelings for Peter. Now reality is sinking in." Kyle: "Yeah, I can relate to that. I always get carried away with my feelings for the guy, too. I always feel like beating the crap out of him. But, hey, that's just me." Megan to Lexi: "If you need anything, you know, just a shoulder to cry on or a ride to AA, you have my number." Lexi to Megan: "I miss sex... I'm going to treat myself to a one-night stand." Peter to Michael: "You know I'm right. I can see it in your beady little eyes." Kyle (regarding Peter): "Look at you - you're still trying to protect your ex-husband and it's making me sick." Amanda: "I'll send you a Get Well card." Peter to Amanda (describing his "barfight" with Kyle): "We had a couple-a drinks and, well, he lost control, threated to kill me - you know, his usual." Peter to Kyle: "...macho, low-life, mouth-breather..." Peter (talking about Jane): "Maybe the girl wants to marry you because she loves you." Michael: "Oh, yeah, what a load." Amanda to Jane (regarding the AWA intercom system): "The walls have ears and they're mine." Lexi: "Why don't you get out of my way, moron!" Michael: "That's DOCTOR Moron to you!" Megan (reminiscing about Matt): "The only good men are gay men." Billy to Michael: "Wait a minute - why am I listening to you? You're an idiot." Jane: "I've been talking alot with Taylor." Michael: "Big mistake." Peter to Kyle (as Kyle bursts into his office): "Is this a social call or are you just here to kick somebody's ass?" Michael (calling from Chicago and discovering Jen and Billy are moving to Rome): "Did he give you a big ring?" Jen: "Not yet but I'm sure he will." Michael: "Yeah, when pigs fly." Jen: "Does that mean you're coming home?" Michael to Jen: "Love is just an arrangement. You gotta learn when it's time to rearrange the furniture." Michael (at his college reunion telling a classmate about his marriage to Jane): "Actually, that didn't work out and then my next two wives died." Amanda: "You need to learn some patience." Sam: "Oh - patience takes too long." Taylor: "Feel the baby - he's kicking." Michael: "Of course he is - you're his mother. I'm surprised he's not screaming bloody murder or holding up a liquor store." Taylor (after discovering the sex of her baby): "I've got another bombshell for you!" Michael: "Nuke me." Jennifer to Jeff: "That's what love is all about - getting in the ring with Mike Tyson and coming out with all your limbs intact!" Amanda to Rory (after he professes his love for her): "Insecurity isn't a quality I value in a man." Michael: "Truth doesn't bring happiness." Taylor: "Well how would you know?" Michael: "'Cause I'm a guy." Coop: "Everytime I run into you in a bar I end up drinking too much. Why is that?" Peter: "Because when the booze peels away the utter contempt we have for one another we're basically bookends." Coop: "That's a frightening thought." Taylor (after Coop spots Megan and Michael having dinner at Kyle's): "You're not going to go causing any trouble or anything now are you?" Coop: "You know, you really are an annoying person, Taylor." Amanda (shortly after Christine's death): "I'm not here to see you, I'm here to see Christine." Peter: "She got hit by a freight train, there's nothing to see." Peter to Michael (regarding Dr. Schulman's "note"): "My God, Michael, every time you lose a wife you lose about 50 IQ points. I know Irene. She would rather gargle with glass than sleep with you." Amanda to Sam (after she finds out about Billy's "pass" at Connie): "Get used to the fact that even the most perfect, sensitive guy is bottom line: a dog. I mean, he might be a well-behaved dog but he still howls at the moon and grabs the first leg he can get a hold of." Jennifer (as Michael is ousted from the Mancini Glove Company): "You can't cheat an honest man, Michael." Michael: "And you can't ride a charlie horse - so what?" Coop to Craig (regarding the Mancini siblings): "That family loyalty thing - bites you in the butt every time." Megan to Michael (as he begs for her forgiveness yet again): "You know what, Michael? At this point I would believe a politician, a used car salesman and Pinnochio before I would believe you!" Jennifer: "There is a touch of larceny in our gene pool, you know." Michael: "If you're referring to Dad I'll have you know that kind of thing skips a generation." Jennifer: "I was referring to Gramps." Jennifer to Coop: "My brother may be slimy but he's no crook." Michael: "Thanks. That's very supportive." Michael to Craig and Jennifer (regarding the Mancini Glove Company): "A new company is a fragile organism. It's very delicate. It's like... well, it's like a snowflake. And my little snowflake is turning into slush because you two idiots are pouting like high school kids!" Peter to Lexi (after she asks him to be her employer): "You want to work in the office? Trust me, it's a job that you... you don't want. The last two ex-receptionists are dead and the third one just got out of a coma and all three were married to Michael. It's a high-risk proposition any way you look at it." Michael to Peter (regarding Coop's obsession with Megan): "You're right. I'll just hand my wife over to him - let him get off on her shallow breathing." Peter to Michael (regarding Megan's coma): "When tragedy strikes - I mean, tragedy greater than your normal tragedies - I'm there for ya!" Eric to Amanda (just before their "transaction"): "Can I get you something to eat? I'm having champagne." Lexi (after 2 days of tranquilizer withdrawal): "I'm falling apart." Coop: "Yeah you must be to be telling me all this." Coop to Lexi (comparing his affair with Kimberly to their marriage): "Even in a coma Kimberly had more sex appeal." Michael (in Kimberly's storage locker): "She's back. Kimberly's back." Megan: "C'mon, stop it, Michael. Look... I saw her die, you saw her in the coffin - she's dead." Michael: "No, she's come back from the dead before." Amanda to Megan: "Well, if you're looking to start a support group, two of Michael's ex-wives are dead but I do have Jane's phone number in Chicago." Dr. Mosely to Jennifer (regarding the defective "Mancini Glove" prototype): "The glove will turn on its master." Peter to Lexi: "You know, we've been sleeping together for almost a month and I don't even know - are you a breakfast person?" Megan to Michael and Peter (as she tries to save their practice): "You both have acted like insane, egocentric, overly-ambitious idiots!" Michael: "And what if that's what we are, huh? Have you ever thought of that?" Taylor to Peter: "Who is the one love of your life - besides yourself and not including anyone who's dead like Beth..." Taylor: "You've got to look at this from my perspective." Peter: "I can't - I'm not that crazy." Michael to Matt (just before he leaves the show): "After you save the world come back and help me corrupt it." Michael to Matt (regarding Matt's transfer to an AIDS research facility): "You had the opportunity to train under the most ruthless doctor in California but if you want to be a do-gooder, who am I to stand in your way?" Michael to Taylor (regarding Megan): "She's convinced I do everything underhanded... which, of course, is true..." Amanda to her D&D staff: "What is this - 'Norma Rae'? Get back to work!" Sam to Billy: "My father is a psycho convict and when I'm not babbling on like some stupid twit I'm lying to you all the time." Michael to Taylor (as they plot to stop Peter's obsession with his dead first wife): "We both know as soon as Peter gets his confidence back he's going to forget any promises. He'll have you playing Beth, Judy Garland and the Vienna Boys Choir." Sam to Billy (regarding Craig): "I'm not sure if I'm his girlfriend or not, but I'm pretty sure that's none of your business." Amanda to Kyle (regarding Taylor): "Keep the little woman on a short leash or I'll run her over." Amanda to Kyle (during the same conversation): "Go to Hell - and give my regards to your wife when you get there!" Kyle to Taylor (regarding her obsession with Peter): "I've seen you with him doing that thing you do with your lips!" Sydney to Jake (describing Jane, shortly after Richard's death): "What's happening in her world isn't exactly happening in ours." Sydney to Sam (regarding men): "If they're single, there's a reason." Sydney to Kyle: "Temptation is a tough thing. It's like dandruff - you can't always see it but it's always there." Michael to Megan: "I've had a lot of practice with women who, shall we say, stray from the norm." Megan to Michael (after disclosing her true profession): "I get abused for a living - welcome to my world!" Sydney to Kyle (regarding "Samuel Kirov" the painter): "He sends all his money to his family in Siberia where they obviously have high heating bills." Alison to Jake (after accusing Jane of setting her apartment on fire): "I saw her anger - it was real!" Sam to Jane (after Alison's apartment burns down): "I took fire safety once and they said to check your nose hairs to see if they're singed..." Jane to Billy (regarding Alison and Jake's affair): "They're rutting like pigs behind your back!" Michael to Matt (regarding drug addiction): "I may not be the poster boy for family values, but I was smart enough to get clean." Matt to Michael (in a rare, stereotypical gay moment): "Oh, Honey - cut the drama!" Sydney to Jane (while being blackmailed for Richard's "murder"): "Lunatics always do make the best leaders. Mussolini... Hitler... Amanda..." Billy to Alison (as she packs to move down the street): "You are this place - without you, there is no building!" Jane: "And then what - we just put ourselves in the hands of a madman?" Sydney: "Well it is better than the hands of the authorities!" Jane (in Sydney's dream where they are about to be executed): "Take your gas like a MAN!!!" Jo to Dominick: "You can't just say something like that and then put your pants on." Jake to Jane: "I don't know why I do the things that I do. Sometimes I just don't think - like I'm on autopilot." Jake (shortly after his one-night stand with Claire): "I don't even know who you are anymore!" Jane: "Who am I? I am someone who hurts when my lover sleeps with a stranger!" Amanda to Alison (after their Advertising Conference): "Climb? I'm just hanging on. This is as high as the old boy's club lets us get, just to see the top of our heads." Amanda to Alison: "Don't tell me you're quitting again." Billy (during his Ethics speech at the Advertising Conference from Hell): "Sex is what sells, my friends. Sex is our best lie. Of course, lying is what we really do best. I know... I do. I... I'm a liar. And a, and a thief. And an empty shell. I've stolen accounts. I've plagiarized campaigns, lost every friend, I -- I lost every human impulse. But then, I'm a huge success. So it's all worth it. Because it doesn't matter if you're alone, because when we're hot, we're always alone. So say it loud: I lie and I'm proud!" Amanda to Sydney (regarding Bobby): "Sorry, I had a momentary flash of compassion. Fortunately, it's passed." Amanda: "Sydney, this isn't a game. I broke up with Bobby because he lied to me." Sydney: "Oh, like that's the first time THAT ever happened." Jake to Jo (after discovering Jane's tiki torch experiment): "You people are so screwed up." Kimberly: "It's happening again, Peter. Weird things, things I can't control." Peter: "I'll need a 'for instance'." Kimberly: "Last week I dressed up in clothes I don't remember buying, called myself Betsy, and ordered hundreds of dollars worth of Tupperware." Betsy (Kimberly's alter-personality right before she sets the sofa on fire): "Shame on you, Kimberly! Look at this place! Oh, it's disgusting! Filthy! Filthy lust on the couch! Michael is a bad, bad man!" Jake: "Richard was hired with no strings attached." Jo: "Yeah. Like Pinocchio was ever a real boy." Jake: "What?" Richard to Jane: "Thank you for reminding me how vile you can be." Peter to Alycia: "I've had it; I can't keep pretending we're having a real relationship, no matter how much you blackmail me." Bobby to Sydney (when she comes to his "rescue"): "Get out of my way, Sydney. I'm touched by the concern, even though it makes no sense at all!" Betsy (Kimberly's alter-personality, shortly after Michael tries seducing her): "Please! We're in the KITCHEN!!" Amanda to Sydney (at Brooke's funeral): "Oh just what I need - style pointers from Gidget." Kimberly to Michael (after he offers to protect her from Vic in an attempt to win her back): "I'd rather take my chances with a homocidal maniac." Peter to Amanda (at a dress shop): "Now that you and Bobby are a couple I guess you're going to want to look your best for those FBI surveillance tapes" Amanda to her waiter (after Bobby excuses himself to go see his father): "I don't eat dessert... and I don't stay on command." Brooke to Alison: "I'm sorry - being a bitch has become a reflex action." Kimberly to Michael (when he comes to her for advice on getting Jane and Sydney out of his house): "Your first ex-wife, who is now your mistress, moves in with you and your second ex-wife, who is now your girlfriend, and then you come to your present wife to sort it all out." Peter to Michael (after escorting Amanda outside so they can talk in private): "Put on a robe for God's sake - you're frightening the neighbors." Michael to Amanda (explaining why he's staying at Peter's): "My beach house is unliveable due to unforeseen circumstances of freak of nature. Or rather, freak of nature and her sister" Jane to Michael (after he tried to seduce her): "How could you think I still cared for you, Michael? You're such an idiot!" Sydney to Michael (same scene): "You were having sex on a paralyzed woman?" Jake to Billy (at Shooters): "I don't need some barstool psychologist to crawl inside my head looking for trash!" Jane (shortly after her stroke): "Richard is hardly a serial killer." Sydney: "No, but he may be a serial stroker! We gotta bust him before he strokes again!" Brooke to Billy (shortly after her "miscarriage"): "Honey... could you come in here a minute? I'm ovulating." Michael to Kimberly (after discovering Kimberly is counseling Sydney): "I am the only sane person I know". Sydney to Bobby (upon meeting him for the first time): "Sorry about your brother." Bobby: "Thank you. Did you know Jack?" Sydney: "Sort of - we met while he was in a coma. But he seemed like a nice guy." Kimberly to Sydney (during one of their "sessions"): "You need to focus. Think, Sydney - what do you (and Michael) have in common?" Sydney: "Two weeks ago I'd say it was hating you... no offense." Kimberly to Sydney (during same session): "Michael's not satisfied with being a good doctor. He wants power and prestige. You could help him get it." Sydney: "Right. And my real name is Jeannie and I live in a bottle." Kimberly to Sydney (while convincing her to chair the Christmas fundraiser): "You could sell porno to the Pope" Kimberly to Sydney (after prescribing some tranquilizers): "These are the same kind I had in the hospital and look at me." Sydney: "Sorry - but looking at you... that still kinda gives me the creeps." Brooke to Alison (after finding her and Billy in a Palm Springs hotel): "First you seduce my father and then kill him and then two weeks later you're with my husband!" Alison: "Too bad you don't have a brother" Alison to Billy (shortly after Hayley's death): "Stop pretending and go back to the hypocrisy you came from!" Jane to Richard (while having a "let's make nice" dinner): "It came to me like an epiphany. Brown is the new black!" Sydney to Kimberly (during their first psychotherapy session): "Before we start, I thought that since we know the same people, I'd use fake names if that's okay. I live in this beach house with this guy named... Bob. Who used to be married to my sister... Edna. Oh, this is ridiculous." Sydney to Kimberly (during same session): "Wait a minute. This isn't psychiatry. What the hell is this?" Jane to Michael (at dinner when she's dating him to make Richard jealous): "You gave me this pin on our third date when you fell in love with me." Michael: "I gave you that pin because I wanted to sleep with you. And it worked." Michael to Peter, Amanda and Sydney (regarding Kimberly's new career): "I can't believe the hospital is considering giving her priviledges back. It's like appeasing Hitler by giving him Czechloslovakia." Kimberly to Sydney: "I sense something is bothering you." Sydney: "Wow! Insane AND a rocket scientist - 10 points!" Brooke to Alison (in the lawyer's office after Hayley's will was read): "Since you're not married anymore, I'll take your wedding ring. It's mine now!" Peter to Michael (in Kimberly's new psychotherapist office): "You are a thorn in the butt of medical progress, Mancini!" Richard to Jo: "Jane's a virus and I'm shaking it." Jake to a police officer (after getting scammed by Shelly): "I'm sick of being the only man in this screwed-up dirty city who still believes in an honest life! Right, wrong, the American way and all that crap!..." Bobby to the Parezi family lawyer: "I loved my brother and I love my father and I could care less about you." Amanda to Peter: "Well, hello! Did you get tired of ignoring my calls and decide to come over and ignore me in person?" Sydney to Michael (regarding Jane's recent business failure): "Chokin' on a huge piece of humble pie will do that to you." Sydney to Kimberly (after Kimberly tries to have girl talk with her): "I don't care about your sex life... or whether you live or die." Pool Boy to Kimberly (after she rejects his attempts at after-sex cuddling): "I'm no dumb jock you know - I had a year of college!" Peter to Sydney (after she tries to blackmail him): "You could have the missing 18 minutes of the Watergate tapes and my answer's still no." Sydney: "Well poo-poo to you, too." Michael to Peter (after discovering Sydney's demands that Peter give Michael an increase in their business profits): "It's amazing the levels that woman will stoop to my benefit." Michael to Sydney (regarding her above-mentioned demands): "If there were a Blackmailers Anonymous, you could be the spokesmodel!" Matt to Kimberly (after she asks why he won't have lunch with her): "Kimberly, you did blow this place up and to be honest with you nobody can get past that." Jack Parezi's attorney to Sydney: "Keep your nose out of Jack's business." Sydney: "I dunno - I have a pretty long nose..." Jane: "After Reed and Jess, you're the last person who should be giving anyone advice on relationships." Jo: "I've made mistakes. That's why I'm trying to tell you -" Jane: "Yeah, well, please don't. My worst fear is that my life could turn out like yours." Peter to Kimberly: "Sydney isn't exactly the poster child for sanity." Jo to Jake (regarding Jane and Richard's engagement): "I'm watching 2 people I really care about make a mess of their lives." Jake: "You're going to have to be more specific." Brooke to Alison (after they land Hayley's account): "Maybe it's time for us to bury the hatchet." Alison: "Gee, you'd have to pull it out of my back first." Sydney to Kimberly: "By the way, how is electroshock going? Certainly has put an attractive curl in your hair." Sydney to Michael: "Oh God I haven't learned anything have I?" Sydney to Peter: "Kimberly is a viscious monster with so many screws lose she could start a hardware store." Michael to Peter: "You're wasting your time with Kimberly. She's beyond medical help... beyond psychiatric help. Hell - she's beyond the Lord's." Amanda to Matt (upon returning to the complex after he's charged with murder): "I want you to know that while some people may not feel comfortable with your presence here, you have my full support. I mean, the way I see it, even if you did murder that woman, it was clearly a crime of passion. I mean, it's not as though you're a serial killer. Anyway, I'm off." Billy to Hayley (in a rare moment of non-spinelessness): "You can wait until you're strapped in a wheelchair and you're spitting up your peas but I will never, NEVER take orders from you!" Amanda to Michael (after he invites her, Jo and Sydney to stay with him the night of the bombing): "You better keep your hands to yourself." Michael: "Oh, believe me - that's the last thing on my mind... especially with any of you." Kimberly: "I know it's absurd, but it's true." Peter to Michael: "I'm dating your ex-wife. I'll refer to her by name so as to avoid confusion: Kimberly." Kimberly to Michael (shortly after they elope): "Well at least there's a bright side to all of this - we're finally married!" Michael: "Who cares? I'm not a doctor anymore." Kimberly to Sydney (as they try repeatedly to kill Michael): "When Michael's dead, God's gonna do a jig." Sydney to Billy and Alison (shortly after Kimberly comes back from the dead): "I'm getting a divorce - like the 2 of you will someday." Michael: "Syd, I want a divorce." Sydney: "And I want to wake up tomorrow morning and sing like Aretha Franklin." Michael to Sydney (after her all-night confession with Jane): "Hi Syd, how are you?" Sydney: "I'm fine - you're screwed!"