Ten Things I've Learned from Melrose Place

1. Most pregnancies end in miscarriages.
2. Advertising is a good career for slackers.
3. There is only one hospital in Los Angeles. (Wilshire Memorial)
4. All physicians are also trained psychiatrists.
5. Hair is power.
6. All fathers die. Usually within five episodes.
7. Most people will forgive you for trying to kill them.
8. However, they won't forgive you for killing a loved one.
9. Never get on a boat.
10. Just because you're sober, doesn't mean you're smart.

Re: Ten Things I've Learned from Melrose Place

1. All men are seducable if they are straight.
2. All women are size 6 or lower.
3. All father-daughter relationships are warped.
4. Ex Husbands are for sleeping with.
5. PoolBoy's are not just dumb jocks.
6. Murder charges are really easy to avoid...unless you DIDNT do it.
7. You don't have to wear pantyhose as long as you live in LA.
8. Avoid laundry rooms unless you want to be beat up or find out your husband is cheating on you or something else horrid
9. Never wear a wedding dress next to a pool.
10. Noone ever dies from being sick/shot/dead/blown-up once they have an actual picture in the credits. Everyone else dies in 3 episodes or less.

Top 10 reason we haven't seen Matt kiss a guy yet

1. Richard Simmons was too busy doing Regis and Kathy Lee
2. Make up artists haven't been able to find his lips yet
3. Aaron Spelling hasn't ben able to talk FOX into allowing sexual promiscuity onto the airwaves
4. Tori Spelling would get grossed out
5. Billy's best man ruined him for other guys
6. Jason Beghe(aka Jeffrey) threatened to slip him the tongue
7. Patrick Muldoon scared Doug Savant when he offered him lessons
8. Balancing it with equal time on TV would mean more TammyFaye Baker sing alongs
9. Grant Show kept fogging up the lens
10. we don't know it yet, but Matt is actually a woman.

Top 10 Titles of Melrose Reunion Specials After (God forbid) the Series is Cancelled

1. A Melrose Reunion:Everyone's back to Kick Brooke's Ass
2. Pass the Vodka:A Melrose Orgy
3. Wait, I'm not a Docter Yet:Everyone at Melrose Gets a PhD(even Sydney)
4. Jake:Everything Around Him Simultaneously Explodes and Burns to the Ground.
5. Melrose Reunion:Heather Needs a Job Again
6. Ho Ho Ho's: A Melrose Christmas Special
7. Everyone's Back to See Kimberly Get The Nobel Peace Prize
8. Matt Finds a Man:Melrose's 50th Anniversary
9. The Return of Jane's Hair
10. Melrose Gardens Retirement Home

Top ten plotlines for Melrose Place next season

1. Amanda to be arrested for the attempted murder of Mr Burns on "The Simpsons."
2. Jo to do a Lorena Bobbitt, and to go into a slicing frenzy, on both Dick, and Jake.
3. Matt to commit suicide, after finding out, that in the course of MP, he has only uttered 6 lines.
4. Amanda to have sex, LIVE on air with co-star Bill Clinton. Amanda and Hillary have a bitch fight.
5. Amanda appears on a Telethon, and threatens to "file suit on anyone who doesn't contribute to Bosnia
6. After dumping Jacko, finding out that he molested him as a child, Billy gets some taste in fashion.
7. Billy to find out, through repressed memory therapy, that Brooke is actually Michael Jackson.
8. Jane to die, after her hairdresser used a chainsaw on her hair.
9. Kimberley to appear on a Riki Lake Show titled: "Tranvestite Lesbian Nuns abducted by aliens!""
10. Alison to get a life!

Top Ten Reasons Why Brooke Had To Die

1. Sydney is supposed to be the only dumb one.
2. Now Billy can have that threesome with Matt and Alan.
3. The Pope called Aaron Spelling and said, "Kill the bitch!"
4. Brooke couldn't decide between poolboy and leaf-blower guy.
5. Brooke wanted to test that "Your blood is really blue until it hits oxygen" theory.
6. It runs in her family.
7. To star opposite Elizabeth Berkley in the sequel to "Showgirls".
8. Now all those porno offers can start rolling in!
9. Matt needed a cadaver for med school.
10. There IS a God.

Top Ten Subliminal Melrose Messages

1. All red-heads are evil.
2. All blondes change from evil to good and back to evil.
3. Everyone you work with eventually lives within 3 feet of you.
4. Most careers don't mind inexcusable time off.
5. If you get sick, DON'T go to a docter.
6. "Fashion" is a broad term.
7. Gays that you know are really boring but the people they date are evil.
8. Commitment really means you're not going to be alone while looking for a replacement.
9. All siblings are evil.
10. If you have a secret that only you know, expect everyone to know it and to bring it up often.

Top 10 Things I'd Like To See Happen On MP

1. Sydney regresses her hairstyle and wardrobe to an even earlier decade and becomes "Sheena the Jungle Princess".
2. Billy joins her and becomes "Caveman Thor"; spends all his time clubbing women over the head.
3. Amanda, broke from all her bad investments, turns to Jo for help and gets a modeling job doing tampon and douche commercials.
4. Matt and Jake look at each other and shout, "Hey! We're twins!" then turn Shooters into a trendy gay club.
5. Jack and Brooke: a match made in Hell. Literally.
6. Kimberly goes to tear off her wig again, only this time she removes her entire face and reveals that she's really a 13-year-old boy from Utah.
7. Peter becomes completely obsessed with Amanda, sells his half of the medical practice and buys the entire library of "T.J. Hooker" just so he can be closer to Amanda.
8. Jane decides to pursue pyromania full-time and watches Beavis and Butt-head 24 hours a day. Her first mission: torch the garage.
9. Richard goes out for hair gel and never comes back. Six months later he's seen (shirtless, of course) on "Baywatch".
10. Jo and Alison form "Whiners Anonymous".

Top Ten Guest Stars Coming to Melrose and the Characters They'll Play

1. Debbie Gibson as a new lounge singer for Shooters, she sleeps with Jake (of course )
2. Kyle MacLachlan as an FBI agent who tries to find out "Who killed Amanda Woodward"
3. Elizabeth Berkeley as Nomi, an ex-Las Vegas showgirl. She sleeps with Jake (of course)
4. O.J. Simpson as A.C., a guy who kills his wife, stands trial for an entire season, and is acquitted
5. Bea Arthur who plays someone to make Loni Anderson look younger
6. Kristen Davis as Blake, Brooke's long lost twin who, instead of going for Billy, goes for Alison
7. RuPaul as Candy, a new love for Matt who is revealed to be a woman and not a dragqueen
8. Gryphon as a bitchy gay man who, instead of bombing 4616, redecorates unmercifully
9. The cast of "Friends" who are helpless victims that everyone at 4616 string up and beat like pinatas
10. Jesus as himself. Its the second coming at Melrose. Who is tossed into the lake of fire? Tune in

Top 10 Explanations For Jane's Hair

1. Jane's hairstylist was run down by a drunk Michael
2. Jane's hairstylist has Kimberly as a therapist
3. Jane's hairstylist gets drunk at Shooters before every appointment
4. Jane's hairstylist had a horrible stroke when Sydney slipped some pills in his drink
5. Jane's hairstylist thought Mia Farrow's hair in "Rosemary's Baby" would be a good look
6. Jane's hairstylist is possesed by that guy that was hanging out in Kimberly's head
7. Jane's hairstylist is aware of what an annoying person Jane is
8. Jane's hairstylist is one of Matt's ex's and has a thing against everyone in the building
9. Jane had to start going to Super Cuts after Richard fired her
10. Jane's hairstylist is actually Sydney in a really good disguise

Top Ten Fashion/Beauty Tips I Learned from MP

1. Wigs always look incredibly natural.
2. Natural blondes don't have half as much fun as fake ones!
3. The formula for corporate power and prestige: Thigh-high skirts sans stockings..
4. In the tradition of cosmeticians who wear horrible makeup, fashion designers wear ugly clothes.
5. Bad haircuts often earn sympathy sex.
6. All women are size "2." (AS IF!)
7. Ties are only for doctors (they go with the nifty white coats).
8. Save that wedding dress--chances are you can wear it again!
9. NO ONE looks good in Gidget retro clothes.
10. Hedge clippers offer a cheap and quick way to restyle an old 'do!

Top 10 New Alternative Personalities For Kimmy

1. Madge: a 58 year old lady detective from 'Cavell Cove' - she kills stock-characters and then solves the "mysteries" by framing other members of the cast.
2. Gloria: Kimmy thinks she is a man who wants to be a woman. She starts hanging out with other drag-queens, and breaking into swish department stores to steal designer outfits...
3. Cathy: It is 1972 (in Kimberley's) mind and she has been asked to the "prom" by pretty-boy Billy-Bob. However, she is unaware that other cast members have a bucket of pig's blood at hand, and that her special "powers" will cause a blood-bath of apocalyptic proportions.
4. Princess Kim. Convinced that she is Lady Di, Kimmy starts putting on a fake British accent, throwing herself down flights of stairs, having liasons with rugby captains and collapsing under the strain of it all!
5. Kimmie Collins: as rich-bitch, shoulder-pad toting corporate head of Lex-Dex, Kimmie rents a penthouse apartment, invests in _lots_ of bubble-bath, a few poodles and gets Jake to walk around bare-chested a lot.
6. Kimberley Sitcom: Kimmie decides that she is a supporting actress in Diff'rent Strokes - a pallid, teenage actress, rich girl with no funny lines and an eventual criminal career could be just the ticket.
7. Kimbalina: Magically shrunk to just 1 inch high, tiny Kimmy has to navigate in a world where a pussy-cat is a lethal killer, a Barbie is her best friend, and an M & M is a 3 course meal!
8. Kimbarella: Space-age Kimberely fights crime on other planets wearing only a spangly green, mirrored costume. She has an inexplicable phobia of birds, dolls, children and the pop group "DuranDuran".
9. Kimbalene: Twisted Kimmy starts sporting lot of blonde hair and little else... Huge billboards bearing her facsimile and a phone number appear all around LA. Kimbalene can be witnessed driving around in a pink Corvette, screaming about how she is famous for being famous.
10. Kimmunique: Today she is convinced that she exists in the 'fictional' soap opera "Central Park West", and is a conglomerate of all of the tackiest female characters on the show. Regularly wearing huge panda-eclipse style black eye-shadow, ostrich feathers, and two ties, this prime bitch manages to sleep with every man on the show while being the head writer of New York's 'top' magazine, Communique.

Top 10 possible Melrose Spinoffs

1. Kimberly & Co: A woman with a whole lot of personality
2. Alison's alcoholicalics annoymous support show
3. Graveyard Place: Brooke, Hayley, Reed et al all livein the afterlife version of Melrose Place
4. Rhonda's 20 minute workout
5. The bad accent club: Sandy and Jane's ex beau Chris in a NYC complex filled w/people w/bad accents
6. Amature Haircuting Hour: (Note pilot was already shot. Featured Jake, Jane, and Bobby getting cuts)
7. L.A. County Miscarriage Clinic
8. The Jo Show: Jo becomes a daytime talkshow host. Sydey could her guest for every topic
9. Where's Matt? A primetime where's Waldo, the purpose is to spot Matt when he delivers his 2 lines
10. Models Inc.: This will defenitly be a hit!

Top 10 More Endings for the Season finale

1. Sydney goes into the fashion business
2. Jane confesses that the reason for her hair is because she's a man
3. Alison has a sex change and becomes a woman
4. Billy gets acting lessons and uses them
5. Jake, Jane and Bobby Parezzi have a contest to see who has the worst hair. (Except Bobby's dead)
6. Amanda quits D&D and becomes a night club dancer
7. Peter is torchered in the Asylum while Priscilla Presley does scenes from the Naked Gun movies
8. Jo gets a life (Nah, that's too far out, even for Melrose Place)
9. Michael has a chance to sleep with some one and he doesn't
10. Poolboy cleans the pool and finds Brooke is still at the bottom. Billy and Poolboy then have sex.

Top Ten Reasons "Melrose Place" Should Call It Quits

1. Resentment brewing between Andrew Shue and Patrick Muldoon over who will win the Emmy
2. Kimberly's personalities are ready for a spin-off
3. Most suspenseful issue is whether Josie's deodorant will leave "messy white stuff"
4. The hairdresser can't afford a new Weedwacker
5. Jack Wagner's new contract stipulates that he and Syd must sing duet at close of each episode
6. Jake's nailed everyone but the operator in the 1-800-COLLECT commercials
7. They've now officially run through every no-talent hack in show business
8. Jane's still on the show
9. Due to corporate pressure, Jo now obligated to conduct photo shoots with Polaroids
10. Melrose Place? You mean that show's still on the air!?

The 10 Inviolable Truths of Melrose Place

1. Homicidal tendencies are a plus on a job resume when going for a residency at a hospital
2. Multiple Personality Disorder will get you that Hospital Administrator Job!
3. Actual schizophrenia will probably get Kimberly named Surgeon General next season
4. Doctors at Wilshire General couldn't cure a ham
5. Total lack of facial expression is a requirement for an Aaron Spelling show
6. Everything in California is 15-20 minutes away from Melrose Place. Even Sacramento.
7. Obviously faked compassion from cold-ass men makes Jo weak and moist
8. All doctors in LA, no matter how brilliant, act like hormonal 12-year-olds with Tourette's Syndrome
9. Amanda is the most goddam desirable woman in the history of the universe and DON'T FORGET IT!!!!
10. Gay men prefer Shooters to the million great gay bars within crawling distance from Melrose Place

Peter's Top Ten Real Names

1. Jimmy Hoffa: So this is where he's been hiding!!
2. Zacharia Smithsonian:An Amish who lost his way
3. Peter Peter-Burnsy
4. That-Guy-Who-You-Never-See-At-Shooter's
5. Dances with Amanda: Great Indian Chief
6. Ward Smith: Leader of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance
7. Squishy Dolace: Leader of the Galaxy of Mf2
8. Prince Zuttabon: Lost King of Atlantis
9. Billy Campbell (oops, already taken)
10. Piotr Burnsakov: Illegal Alien

Top Ten Theme Songs For Melrose Characters

1. Brooke: "Rich Girl" by Hall & Oates
2. Henry: "Man In The Mirror" by Michael Jackson
3. Michael: "Atomic Dog" by George Clinton & P-Funk
4. Matt: "Lonely Boy"
5. Bobby: "Catch Me, I'm Falling"
6. Jess: "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" by Frank Stallone
7. Sydney: "She Works Hard For The Money" by Donna Summer
8. Hayley: "Under The Sea"
9. Richard: "Digging In The Dirt" by Peter Gabriel
10. Kimberly: "You Dropped The Bomb On Me" by The Gap Band

Top 10 Reasons We Know Matt Is Written by Straight People

1. OK, he doesn't have sex. But at least give him a sense of humor about it (it's in the rule book)!
2. Not one framed picture of Lucille Ball doing the "Vitameatavegamin" bit.
3. C'mon, people, not ONE wild, drunken "Mommie Dearest on TBS" party?
4. No "AbFab" references I mean, has he called ANYONE "Sweetie-Darling" yet?!?
5. No slightly effeminate friends calling him "Chlamydia St. Jacques".
6. No signs of a past or future career as a travel agent.
7. Where are his late-night exits in Daisy Duke shorts and Fruit Loops necklace?
8. He hasn't once answered the door for Jake in Calvin Klein briefs.
9. SURELY he would have talked to the other girls in the building about those lousy haircuts!
10. Those clothes, those shoes-- uggh!!

Top Ten Melrosian Sci-Fi Storylines for '96

1. Sydney gets abducted and impregnated by aliens.
2. Jane abducts and runs off with alien baby.
3. Richard is actually one of them and therefore cannot be killed.
4. Kimberly is mistaken for alien and dissected by military scientists.
5. Aliens mistake Matt for homosexual deity. Taken to alien planet for spinoff show.
6. Michael tries to cut business deal with aliens to further career.
7. Michael doublecrosses aliens and is sentenced to mine plutonium on the planet Borax.
8. Amanda turns alien informant and is given all of California as kingdom.
9. Allison ties one on with aliens and whimpers, snivels and whines about Billy's broken life.
10. Season Finale: Aliens decide Melrosians are too stupid to live and destroy Melrose Place a la ID4.

Top Ten Reasons Melrose Needs New Writers

1. Jane's hair--who put NAIR in her shampoo?
2. Taylor can't be killed off in the pool--her lips will keep her afloat.
3. Why does Sydney dress like a flashback to "Laugh-In"?
4. The only one left for Jake to sleep with is the "pool boy".
5. Billy's gaping mouth. Need more be said?
6. Allison, the molested, alcoholic, widowed, ad exec finds solidity as a bar maid?!?
7. There is no one left who hasn't been on trial for murder...
8. Amanda's roots look almost as good as Tori Spelling's...
9. Matt on speed is like Billy in a "drunk" scene (or on Novacaine--you can never tell).
10. Michael as a nice guy is like Brooke without her pout.

The 10 hair rules of Melrose Place

1. Red-heads are sultry/devious/campy (Sydney/Kimberly)
2. Brunettes are boring (Jo/Samantha)
3. Blondes are emotionally cold (Amanda/Jane)
4. Chest-hair/Toxic hair is good (Richard)
5. A new hairstyle = a new personality (Peter)
6. Never be ashamed of your roots. (Amanda)
7. An 80s style flashback can be achieved by tying long hair back and blurring the lens. (Amanda)
8. People with 70s hair never profit (Bobby, Sydney)
9. Gay characters have hairstyles just like everyone else (Matt)
10. People who wear wigs that hide huge scary scars will probably try to blow you up. (Kimberely)

Top 10 Leaps of Faith Needed to Enjoy MP

1. You MUST be able to watch Heather L. while forgetting "Dynasty" AND "TJ Hooker"
2. You must believe a gay man would hang around all these dumb straight people 24/7
3. You must believe that psychiatric records are regularly ignored by hospitals when hiring doctors
4. You must accept that despite college AND med school, Michael still acts like he's 12
5. (Until recently), You have to accept that Patrick Muldoon can play a straight man
6. You have to sit, stifling the urge to drive to Hollywood and decking Andrew Shue for his bad acting
7. You have to not let yourself get hypnotized by Allison's shark-like, dead, staring ey-y-yes....
8. You must accept as fact that there are people fool enough to like Jane's fashions
9. You'll have to take our word on this: EVERYONE wants to sleep with Jake, the personality-less wonder
10. You must accept that Amanda, despite a good job, stays in that dump with these losers around her!!

Top 10 Alter Egos of Melrose If the Characters Were Animals

1. Jane=A bald eagle (Rare haircut---rare bird, Enough said)
2. Sydney=Woody Woodpecker (same color hair & talks almost as fast)
3. Kimberly=An ostrich (has the same amount of thin hair & exact same length neck)
4. Billy=A sloth (if a sloth could speak, it'd probably do so with a gaping mouth & lisp)
5. Amanda=A skunk (black roots w/ white on top & almost as friendly)
6. Matt=A hampster (much like Matt's storylines, they run around on a wheel doing nothing)
7. Taylor=A puffer fish (Her lips once disrupted radar when she was on a cruise ship)
8. Michael=A ferret (Beady eyes, wavy hair, & sneaky smile--need I say more)
9. Jo=Gumby (same figure and almost as intelligent)
10. Richard=An Otter (Is best on his back alot & mousse-drenched hair resembles Otter's slick fur)

Top 10 Reasons To Work at D&D Advertising

1. A slacker's paradise: college degrees not required!
2. Everyone moves up from clerical/support staff to President or Vice-President within weeks.
3. Forget the shirt and tie! Dress codes required by other places of business simply don't apply here.
4. No more runs in your nylons because hosiery isn't required either!
5. Five hour lunch breaks which allow you to take care of all sorts of pressing, personal dilemmas.
6. Check into rehab and have the company cover the tab.
7. All the sex you want on the desk of your choice!
8. You can hire, fire, and rehire your friends and enemies at will.
9. Working here gives a whole new meaning to the term "office politics".
10. Work? What's that?

Top Ten Showstopping Numbers If Melrose Was a Musical

1. "Whatever Amanda Wants" sung by Amanda
2. "Rent" sung by inhabitants of 4616
3. "The Phantom of Melrose" sung by Billy and Brooke
4. "On My Own" sung by Matt
5. "Amanda Woodward Superstar" sung by D&D employees
6. "Kiss of the Swollenwoman" sung by Taylor
7. "The Rumble" danced by Jake and Billy
8. "Little Shop of Whores" sung by Sydney
9. "Everything's coming up Breasts" sung by Michael
10. "Don't Cry for Me Wilshire Memorial" sung by Kimberly

Top 10 Courses At Melrose University

1. Intro to Prostitution (Sydney Andrews, Expert of the Field)
2. How to Commit Murder Without Going to Prison! (Telecourse)
3. Intro to Psychotic Med School (Instructor M. Mancini)
4. Hair Bleaching 101 (Amanda Woodward, professor)
5. How to Slack Off at Work Like A Pro! (Allison Parker, lisenced professional)
6. Intro to Advertising (Telecourse--no homework required)
7. The Art of Lying, Scheming, and Back Stabbing Seminar (Instructor Sydney Andrews)
8. Jake 101--How to Become a Useless Hunk in 30 Days! (taught by the master himself)
9. Sex Education (Contraceptives must be supplied by the second class)
10. Greed 101 (course may be repeated)

What you have to have to be on Melrose Place

1. Dark Roots
2. Mysterious Past
3. Dysfuntional Family
4. The desire to sleep with anyone
5. Big lips (Taylor)
6. Been in jail for murder at least once
7. An ex wife/husband
8. A major attitude
9. At least one mentally ill sibling
10. Never knowing who you "really are"

Top 10 Guarantees if Melrose Was to Become Part of the Real World

1. If a top notch executive has an office and a desk, then sex WILL occur on top of that desk.
2. Gay men will resort to fierce embracing rather than anything more.
3. All brunettes will cease to exist.
4. Procreation will become a legit sporting event.
5. Insane doctors will run every hospital in the country--not just the ones in California.
6. Mothers will stop naming their children "Billy."
7. Murder, theft, prostitution and all other zany crimes will become totally legal.
8. Every stupid woman in America will eventually have sex with Michael Mancini at least once.
9. "Sleep with thy neighbor" will come the eleventh commandment.
10. Aaron Spelling will take over the world!!!

Ten Songs That Should Have Been On the Melrose Place Soundtrack CD

1. Doin' it--LL Cool J (could actually become the new Melrose theme)
2. Gett Off (are there really only "22 positions in a one night stand"?)
3. In the Navy (Matt and Jeffery's love theme)
4. Let's Get it On (could be used in numerous scenes)
5. Sexual Healing (Micheal's prescription to anything that ails you)
6. Mouth (Taylor's theme)
7. Knockin' Boots (just because it sounds so dirty)
8. Moby Dick--Led Zeppelin (use your imagination)
9. Mandy--Barry Manilow (played during Amanda's nightmare scenes)
10. Dazed and Confused--Allison's lament

Shows That Should Consider Picking Up Marcia Cross Now That Kim is Dead

1. ER -Hey she's had a little experience playing a doctor and George Clooney needs a girl.
2. Xena- Rising from the dead is easy on this show.
3. Spin City- They let Daphene Zuniga and Courtney-Thorne Smith on.
4. Friends- Make her Ross's new girlfriend and give more to do than whine over Rachel.
5. The X Files- She could be a convincing alien.
6. The Next Dallas Reunion- Make her JR's new girlfriend.
7. Homocide- Have her as the psycho killer of the week.
8. Ink- Make her a bomber that would put this dull show out of its misery.
9. NYPD Blue- As the only interesting female character this show ever had.
10. Early Edition- She could acquire the paper and do what a normal person would do with it.

The 10 Worst MP hairstyles of all time.

1. Jane's lawn-mower buzz cut (Season 4)
2. Kimberly's delightful "scar tissue" look. (Season 3)
3. Michael's done-to-death Caesar cut (Season 5)
4. Peter's gelled roots (Seasons 3 and 5)
5. Syd's dirty-hair with a side clip (Season 5)
6. Bobby Parezi's 70s shag (Season 4)
7. Amanda's limp-rooted mess (Season 3)
8. Billy's Greg Brady Experience (Season 5)
9. Michael's Big Hair (Season 1)
10. Alison's prom-queen Extravaganza (Season 2)

Top Ten Things to do with Craig's Body

1. Leave it in the car and see if anyone notices
2. Serve it at Kyle's and see if anyone notices
3. Replace Billy with his dead body and see if anyone notices
4. Throw him in the pool so Brooke will have some one to play with
5. Hang it outside as a warning to anyone who wants to move in
6. Have Taylor become a necrophyliac
7. Add it to the bunch of bodies in the Melrose laundry room
8. Ship it off to Ohio, only to have it come back a little later
9. Have Jane and Sydney bury it, then have his hand come out of the dirt
10. Bring it back to Baywatch and see if David Hasselhoff notices

Top Ten Signs Melrose Place Should be Cancelled

1. The audience is getting nostalgic for Brooke.
2. The infamous "this season was just a bad dream" plotline looks promising.
3. Two or three episodes pass by with nothing happening.
4. Michael is starting to look like the good guy.
5. Amanda and Peter are as exciting as Billy and Samantha.
6. The best new romance the writers could come up with is Coop and Megan.
7. Billy and Allison now seem like "the most stable relationship."
8. Infidelity is starting to look boring.
9. Melrose plotlines pale in comparision to real life in the White House.
10. Four words: Kimberly and Sydney dead!!!

Top 10 songs describing the characters

1. Matt- "I Touch Myself" By: The Vynols
2. Amanda- "Bitch" By: Meredith Brooks
3. Jake- "I Wanna Come With You" By: Real McCoy
4. Sydney- "Rescue Me" By: Kelly Marie
5. Kimberly- "Staying Alive" By: N-Trance
6. Taylor- "Mouth" by: Merril Bainbridge
7. Brooke- "Fantasy Island" By: M-People
8. Jo & Allison- "No Tears To Cry" By: Whigfield
9. Jane- "Break My Stride" By: Unique II
10. Kyle- "Talk To Me" By: Wild Orchid